Current Events

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This past Saturday I had a birthday.  I’ve been off the radio since January 19th of this year and I have been reflecting a lot on what I have done with my life to this point and what I plan to do with the rest of it.  It’s been an interesting ride so far and one that continues to teach me something new each day.  In the interest of brevity I have posted five of the most important lessons I have learned in life:

1)  ONLY ONE PERSON BESIDES YOURSELF CARES ABOUT YOUR BEST INTERESTS:   Those people are your parents.  Other than that all bets are off.

2)  YOU’LL GET SCREWED OVER:  We all do.  When times are good things are easy.  The true test of character is when life knocks you to the ground.  What did you learn?  How will you prevent the same mistake?

3)  TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED:  Simple to say but not easy to do.  Especially when you are standing in line with the stomach flu and the 85-year-old lady in front of you is writing a check.

4)  KEEP UP WITH TECHNOLOGY:  If you “settle” you will be passed by.  Remember when you paid $300 for a VCR?  Remember having to stash quarters in case your “pager” went off?  Five years ago everyone had a MySpace page.  Keep up with technology and you’ll increase your value.

5) NEVER GET BEHIND ME IN LINE:  I always pick the wrong one.  I pick the one with the price check, the ribbon runs out on the register, the old man searching for a coupon, etc.  Please just smile and wave and move on.  You’ll thank me later.

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Show me a mistake and I will show ya an opportunity to learn something.  We all stumble and fall during life but if you can better yourself after a momentary setback then the negative is actually a positive.  Arnold has been all over the news lately and his rep is definitely taking a beating.  As outsiders we can look at this and learn three things right away:

1)  KNOW WHEN TO PULL OUT:  I have been in career situations where I thought “I know this isn’t the best situation for me but it will get better.”  I’ve learned that things don’t and won’t self correct themselves.  Don’t rely on others, rely on yourself.  If your gut is telling you it isn’t right then look for another challenge.

2)  DON’T GRAB IT JUST BECAUSE IT’S IN FRONT OF YOU:  A lot of time when we face a challenge we look for the “quick fix” just because its convenient.  More often than not you are just putting a band-aid where you actually need a tourniquet.  Finding a solution or the right situation takes time but it’s well worth the wait.

3)  IF YOU DECIDE TO SCREW SOMEONE BE PREPARED FOR THE PAYBACK:  You’re gonna get stabbed in the back a few times in life.  The big test if how you react.  Getting “even” is a natural feeling but it’s not gonna get you anywhere.  Don’t lower yourself to “that” level.  Take your lumps and move on.  In the long run you will be the winner. 

Remember…always find that positive in the negative but don’t ask me to explain Arnold’s maid.  If I were a radio sales rep I’d be approaching him to endorse some laser vision correction!

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Social media is a here to stay and it’s a necessary marketing tool for you and your business.  I’m a facebook junkie.  I always aim to engage my friends in some sort of discussion thread or entertainment element.   As a public service I offer the following that I urge all to STOP DOING ON FACEBOOK!

 1)  NO MORE PICTURES OF FOOD YOU ARE ABOUT TO EAT:  Being able to flag down a waiter, decide on an entre’, order it, then have it delivered to your table is hardly a magic trick.  Put down your iPhone, grab your fork Copperfield, and eat your freaking dinner.

2)  PUT A SHIRT ON AND GET AWAY FROM THE MIRROR:  Congratulations on shaving your chest and your twelve pack.  All that hard work in the gym has rewarded you with being alone on a Saturday night with your shirt off in front of your bathroom mirror and your cell phone in your hand.  Now go to your room, close the blinds and your door, and do what we know you need to do to yourself.

3)  STOP LOOKING LIKE A DUCK AND SMILE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING:  I’m not sure what makes the females think they are being seductive when they make this face.  It looks more like the sudden onset of bell’s palsy.  Unless you floss with a rope, open up your mouth and show me those pearly whites!.

Social Media is a great thing.  Follow me on Twitter HERE.  Be my facebook friend HERE.  That’s all for today.  I need to let everyone on Four Square know that I just walked into Home Depot!!

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I’m a dude so I am always intrigued and confused by the actions of the opposite sex.  Last night I woke up to a commercial for something called a “Tri-Phoria.”  I think most men have never attended a bridal shower so we tend to believe what we see on TV is proper representation of what we haven’t experienced.

I’m thinking this “Tri-Phoria” is some sort of blender with three speeds.  In a way I was right but you’re not making a batter you’re battering yourself.  You really need to watch this video.  Watch it HERE.

“Blow your hair back?”  Isn’t that what a stylist does?  I’m so confused.  Never in the throngs of passion have I ever heard the fairer sex yell “BLOW MY HAIR BACK!!” 

My confusion continues :50 into the commercial when she shares with her fiance’ what she received at the bridal shower.  She asks him if he remembers the massager that HE talked about.  Memo to the ladies:  If your man is talking about a “Tri-Phoria” he probably isn’t playing “Texas Hold ‘Em” when he has a “night out with the boys.” 

Lastly I have to point out his REACTION to his lady receiving THREE  Tri-Phorias.  He responds like he won fifty-yard line seats to the Super Bowl.  Three Tri-Phorias in a house with two people?  I’m able to do the math.  I wouldn’t be jumping up and down in euphoria, I’d be looking for a chair and a seat belt!  Tonight when I go to sleep with the television on…I’m gonna make sure to set the timer!

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Sunday is Mother’s Day and I figured out what I’m getting Mom this year:  a collection of wooden spoons.  Of course I will also have to take some time to explain to her that the primary use of the wooden spoon is for COOKING!

My mother had a VERY impressive collection of wooden spoons.  There was one in the laundry room on top of the dryer, one in the bathroom by her hot rollers, one in the glovebox of the car, and of course one in the kitchen drawer.

Do you remember “THE SOUND?”  You had just pushed mom past her limits.  You ignored the warning of “Don’t make me get the wooden spoon.”  Suddenly you hear a drawer open and then your mother is searching  through the various kitchen utensils.  This is your last moment to run.  The rummaging suddenly stops and you don’t need to look back to know what has happened:  MOM IS ARMED WITH HER WEAPON!!

If you were like me then you looked for “circular shelter.”  We had a round table in the dining room and if I could make it to the basement I had the pool table.  My strategy was to tire mom out by making her chase me around the table like Wiley Coyote!  My mother is  gonna be 72 this October and I know if ya put a wooden spoon in her hand today she will run a 40 yard dash that would impress scouts at the NFL combine.

Luckily my mother is still with me and Sunday is HER day.  I’m sure you will understand, just to be on the safe side, when she’s in the kitchen, I’ll be on the other side of the dining room table.

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The biggest military event since our second invasion of Iraq and ya think the White House would plan better.  What a crappy watch party this looks like.  Every Sunday during the NFL season my house is football central.  I have a few suggestions for the next global crisis:

1)  MORE CHAIRS:  I don’t know who these people are in the back of the room but get a head count before the assassination attempt.  Forty minutes is a long time to stand without a commercial break.

2)  GIVE THE BEST CHAIR TO THE HOST:  Just because you show up with all your medals doesn’t mean you can take the host’s chair.  I suppose you’ll make the President get off his card table chair and pay for the pizza when it shows up too, right?

3)  NO WORK DURING THE BIG EVENT:  You’ve been chasing this Bin-Laden guy for almost eleven years.  Put the lap-tops away and update your facebook page AFTER he’s killed.

4)  SNACKS!!:  This watch party sucks.  Stale coffee and no keg?  Where are the chips? Thirteen people show up and they rely on the host for food?  There has to be a BP outside the White House.  Stop being such a mooch and at least bring a bag of Funions.

5)  HAVE A LITTLE FUN!:  Show your team spirit.  Other than the guy that is hogging the best chair I don’t know which team you are cheering for.  How about a little camo?  Maybe a flag to wave?  How about a giant foam M-16?  The wall is empty.  Missed opportunity to make squares to guess how long into the procedure before we put a couple of slugs into Osama’s dome.  C’mon….be creative!!!

I’m glad we finally got the guy but next time we take out an international terrorist….I’ll be watching at Duffy’s.

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I woke up to the news this morning that Osama Bin Laden is dead.  My reaction was obvious joy which turned to heavy skepticism.  It’s just the way I think.  Let me preface these comments by saying I have the highest respect for the men and women of our military.  I also have the same amount of apprehension for our government officials who have been misleading us for YEARS.  In the late 40’s we went into Nicaragua and infected citizens with syphilis just to make sure penicillin DID work so this is nothing new.  I HOPE the news is true but at least consider these points:

1)  BIN LADEN DIED YEARS AGO:  Back in 2006 CNN reported Bin Laden was seriously ill with typhoid.  He also supposedly died two years ago of cancer.  His FACE would instill fear in people.  This doesn’t break up terror cells.   Retaliation is what FUELS al-Qaeda.

2)  BURIED AT SEA:  U.S. officials say they did this in accordance with Muslim tradition and law.  2,752 innocent Americans were killed on 9-11-01.  I know that isn’t part of Muslim tradition and law.  Why not bring the body back, conduct the DNA tests here with numerous doctors/scientists from different countries, then bury at sea so there is no shrine and no doubt?

3)  CLASSIC DEFLECTION:  The economy is tanking, gasoline prices out of control, second wave of foreclosures coming, the value of the American dollar is at a record low, these are tough and trying times.  With the “death” of Bin Laden we once again put these issues on the back burner, wave flags and chant “USA, USA, USA.”  Just remember that as hated as George Bush was when he left office he had an approval rating at one time of ninety two-percent.

4) WAS HE REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR 9-11?:  No question Osama Bin Laden was a terrorist.  We have been told he was the mastermind behind the attacks of 9-11.  If that was the case how come the FBI NEVER included those allegations on their most wanted poster?  See poster HERE.

I hope this SOB IS dead but ya know there’s just another whacko behind him grabbing the ZZ Top beard, walking stick, Match Game ’77 microphone and a fitted sheet.  Terrorism doesn’t die with the death of Bin Laden.  Now about that moon landing…………:)

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I don’t think there is a bigger oxy-moron in the world than “reality TV-star.”  How many “real housewives” can we have?  My parents got divorced when I was thirteen.  I lived with my mother.  She was out of work for ten months and she did everything she could to save the house.  I never suffered and she eventually got back on her feet.  She taught herself drafting and eventually worked her way back into the credit field where she continues to work today.  That’s a REAL housewife.

I challenge these surgically enhanced bimbos to take off their Jimmy Choos and press their fake hooters into a sports bra and go outside and mow the lawn like my mother did.  Once these narcissistic floozies get on TV they actually believe they have talent.  Danielle Staub is one of those H20 heads that thought she could SING!  You must check out her performance HERE.

Don’t get me started on Teen Mom.  When I was in high school if ya got pregnant you went away for the summer.  If you broke the law then you went to reform school.  Double up on those two now and you’re a TV star.

We should have learned when Survivor gave us our first reality TV-star in Richard Hatch.  The guy was best known as “the naked fat guy.”   He won the contest, got a million bucks, didn’t pay taxes, and went to jail.  Too bad they didn’t put a camera in his cell.  Now THAT would be reality TV!!!

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So the Royal Wedding is happening later this week.  Personally I’d rather be watching a yawning festival but the big news is Kate has decided to remove the word “obey” from the wedding vows.  SEE STORY HERE  Is this REALLY  big news?

Guys I don’t know about you, but I think it’s easier to train a pit bull in a sausage factory than get a woman to “obey” you.  I’d love to hear from a guy, (that was told by his wife for the fourth time in five minutes to mow the lawn), how he invoked the “obey” clause in his wedding vows.  I assume the exchange would probably go like this: 

 GUY:  “Sorry babe.  Not really feeling up to it right now while the game is on.  I would like another cold one and would ya mind turning the brats on the grill?  I don’t think I have to remind you of the obey clause in the wedding vows you agreed to.”

WOMAN:  (SFX)  BANG!!!!  (Nothing would be said in return because nothing would make the impact like the cast iron frying pan she would impale over your head).

Upon further review I believe it is us men that have subconsciously adopted the obey clause.  You wanna see fear in the eyes of a grown man?  All a woman has to do is this:   Come home early on a Saturday, find out your “honey-do” list is not complete, then text your man wanting to know where he is.  Every weekend I see at least four guys grab their iPhone, clutch their chest, and run out of the sports bar after receiving such a text.

So to the future King I can only offer this advice:  Make sure cable in the castle gets both the Oxygen and Lifetime channels.  You may wear the crown but she will always wear the pants.