travel

on

I saw an article recently where baby alligators are the hottest thing at pool parties.  Read article HERE.  I know the kids may be getting sick of the water slide and the bounce house but what the hell are people thinking?  These poor gators have their mouths duck taped shut and these rug rats are dragging them around the pool like a floatie.  I assume the little gator has a memory and if I were him I couldn’t wait until I put on a few pounds and was able to even the score with little Suzy.

This is the thought process that leads to adults thinking they can walk into the bear cage at the zoo and become Dr. Doolittle.  It has to suck being the bear all day having a bunch of people with the mentality of a flat-tire trying to get the bear to sit on his hind legs and wave  for a few peanuts.  I always cheer for the bear and the lions when someone thinks they need to be a little closer to nature.  There is a reason for the fence there Einstein.  We have a population problem on this planet and I do believe those that venture into cages with lions and bears are truly doing their part in making a little more room for all of us.

Getting back to the gators…in Florida we have a one in twenty-four million chance of being attacked by a gator.  Those odds will go up if ya swim where they swim and if ya bring them into the pool…I’d say the odds even get better.  Parents….kids make enough bad decisions on their own so please don’t agree to having baby gators swim at your next pool party.  The only exception would be if you hired a clown.  It’s fine by me if ya feed HIM to the gators.

on

I don’t understand “comic book people.”  I probably would be a bit concerned about my own mental capacity if I DID but I do wonder what these people are thinking.  Don’t get me wrong I was a HUGE fan of comic books.  I was also EIGHT YEARS OLD at the time.  I loved “Heckle and Jeckle” and “Scrooge McDuck” but eventually I put those comic books aside because I realized ducks don’t wear tiny spectacles and can’t become  freaking millionaires.

Comic book people eventually graduate to reading about super-heroes.  I suppose this is really the only option they have other than playing World of Warcraft and popping accutane.  Life really is an uphill struggle during the adolescent years for the “comic book person.”  Chances are they also wear braces with rubber bands, play the violin in orchestra and at night they have to put on the “head-gear.”  Just picturing this person makes me visualize him having his underwear yanked to the heavens by the captain of the football team during a class change.  So ya have a tough three years in high school.  Get over it.  It’s just a small slice of your lifetime.  Once ya graduate a funny thing happens……..ya get a clean slate!!!!

True “comic book people” screw up this golden opportunity and take the nerd train for a few more stops.  Some will join Revolutionary War recreation groups.  Some will play Dungeons and Dragons and some are beyond help or any type of logical judgement as they will dress up as their favorite super-hero or villain and actually go out in PUBLIC!!  Let me address these Super Nerds right now:  Look….you are NOT a Storm Trooper, Klingon, Chewbacca or one of the Avengers.  You are a freaking adult.  Adults don’t wear masks or capes.  Star Wars, Star Track, Bat-Man, Iron-Man and Wonder Woman NEVER happened.  It’s NOT real so stop making yourself look like a complete clown-ass at the age of thirty-five.  While I’m on a roll may I suggest it’s also time to move out of your parent’s house!

I think I have made my point and have vented enough.  I’m gonna go play Madden on X-Box.  I’m on the team ya know……

on

There are a lot of things in this world I don’t understand and no matter how hard I try I don’t think some will ever become clear to me.  The Running of the Bulls is one of those things.  This annual event kicked off today with the first of eight runs with six powerful bulls chasing thousands of people through the streets of Pamplona.  I have never really seen a bull up close but I know he has two sharp horns protruding from his head, he weighs a hell of a lot more than me and I really believe I should stay the hell out of his way at all times.

I should also point out that I am an animal lover.  Maybe not a 100% animal lover because I hate spiders, I’m not fond of snakes and possums are kind of prissy and for their size I think they need a serious attitude adjustment.  Bulls get a bad rap.  No one likes someone who is “bull-headed” and no one is a fan of “bullshit” but what did the bulls do to be teased and tormented like this?  Imagine being caged up with five of your buddies and a bunch of drunken, screaming lunatics are running circles around you down a cobblestone road in the heat of summer.  I don’t know about you but I would be a bit pissed and want to put those horns on my dome to use.

Since they started keeping records in 1924 fifteen people have been gored to death by the bulls.  I wish I could be the coach of these bulls because I think they can do much better than that.  Today six people were injured including a 73 year-old that was gored.   That’s right a 73 year-old.  Usually you stop being a dumb ass when you retire and just piss people off by not knowing how to drive and taking too much time at the post office.

Well there are seven more runs to go and I hope you’ll join me in cheering “Let’s Go Bulls!!!!”

on

We all are pretty much aware of the hype about the Mayan calendar and how this is supposed to be the final year that this planet survives.  I didn’t buy into any of it but if you assess the happenings of the past month you may be changing your mind as well.

John Travolta, the guy that broke women’s hearts in Saturday Night Fever, has been accused of groping the packages of three different men during a massage.  Just a few years ago we would teach abstinence in our schools to prevent teen pregnancy….now Teen Mom’s are big stars on TV.    Women that had anger issues and drinking problems are the type of people you would expect men to avoid—-now they are referred to as “Real Housewives.”  We had a guy in Miami that was nude and eating the freaking FACE off of a homeless guy and some guy in New Jersey was throwing his own intestines at the police.

The biggest city in our country is gonna limit the size of soft drinks because they are concerned about our health yet you can still buy an extra-large pizza with triple cheese.  Next thing ya know detainees at Guantanamo Bay will claim to have been tortured by Sesame Street characters.  What???  They have????  Time for me to get ready for a garage sale because it seems like we have about six months left.

on

At this writing THREE people have now come forward saying John Travolta wanted his male masseuse to give him some extra service.   There is something seriously wrong when anyone can say anything about anyone and there are no repercussions on those filing false claims.   John Travolta has a ton of cash.  If he wants someone to yank and pull on his Barbarino he’s not gonna approach someone he doesn’t know on a cruise.  There is too  much to lose.

One accuser said Travolta allegedly offered him  $12,000 for gay sex.  That is such a random number it further facilitates my belief that this is all a bunch of bullshit.  Where does THAT number come from?  I’ve never been involved in a bidding war for gay sex but I imagine it would be in incriminates of fives and tens.  The only way I see $12,000 being made as an offer is if was a compromise.  Travolta offered ten grand, cabin boy wanted fifteen, so then the next offer would be $12,500.  See…..it’s STILL not twelve grand.

I try to put myself in the position of the masseuse to see how I would handle the situation.  If I’m giving Travolta a deep tissue massage and he rolls over with an erection that would cut through steel and starts lumbering towards me like a bear I exit the scene.  I’m not sticking around to find out how this story ends.  There is no discussion about money.  There isn’t an opportunity for him to ask for a hug.  Start rolling the credits people because I’m not gonna be around when he asks me “Ya wanna know what I mean by Face-Off????”

No go pick on the Kardashians….at least they deserve it.

on

Today is a big day if you like to partake in the inhalation of marijuana.  The time of 4:20 PM was singled out as the appropriate time during the day to smoke the wacky weed by an editor of High Times.  Although I don’t smoke pot myself I have in the past and I am a huge advocate of the legalization of marijuana.  Our prisons are filled with people that have consumed and sold something that is legal in some states.  That seems like a silly and huge contradiction to me.

Opponents of the legalization of marijuana will argue that it’s a “gateway drug” that will lead to  experimentation and abuse of other drugs.  Let me set the record straight:  It leads you to the gateway of Pizza and Funions.  Legalization of pot would have a drastic effect on this country.  Video game sales would skyrocket and furniture stores would experience a record amount of sofa and recliner sales.  The police would not be happy as there never would be another speeding ticket written again.  The speed limit on the highways would have to be reduced to 35 miles an hour.  Imagine how much fuel we would conserve.

Legalize weed and your husband will never say to you “There’s nothing to eat in this house.”  He’ll grab an onion, two slices of bread, some chocolate syrup and a can of tuna and proudly proclaim he has discovered “the greatest sandwich in the world!”  The divorce rate would decrease dramatically as your fights would go like this:  SHE:  “Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take out the trash?”  HE:  “I’m not sure.”  SHE:  “Me either.  Where are the Doritoes.”

So if you happen to be driving this afternoon around 4:20PM and it seems like there aren’t a lot of people on the road, don’t worry, they’ll all be at The Golden Corral.

on

So the big buzz this week was the Tupac Shakur hologram that performed at Coachella.  See the video HERE.  There is now talk of taking this hologram on the road for an official tour.  Didn’t we see this years ago when Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman dragged a corpse around in “Weekend at Bernies.”

Its bad enough performers are charging so much for concert tickets and all they do is lip synch and now they want us to pay to see someone who isn’t even there.  Why not just exhume musicians that have left this world too soon, tie ropes around them and make them perform like a marionettes.  Whoever gets the short straw will be in charge of Pavoratti.  Now THAT’S a workout!!

Why stop the hologram technology with musical performers.  Can you imagine the look on the Pope’s face when he sees John Paul II walking out on the balcony at the Vatican one Sunday to give the final blessing?  Picture the reaction of people in Vail when Sonny Bono gets on the ski lift and says “Point me in the direction of the hill with the least amount of trees.”  I’m sure the staff at the Stage Deli in New York wouldn’t have a problem if Mama Cass walked in and said “Could ya cut that chicken sandwich into small pieces for me so I don’t choke?”

There is a reason we have a past and a future.  They are not meant to be combined.  I’d say more on this subject but I’m having lunch with Elvis at a Burger King in Kalamazoo.

on

So the jackpot on Mega Millions is up to an estimated $640 million!  My question is do you REALLY wanna win this?  Chances are that if you are reading this you probably have a full set of teeth, can do simple math, and realize that Pearl Harbor is NOT located in Boston.  There is also a pretty good chance that if you played Mega Millions this weekend then you are after the jackpot and NOT a regular lottery player.

Let’s discuss this regular lottery player.  He/She likes to parade around in sandals with socks.  Wherever they DO work they can’t be offering a dental plan because their teeth resemble a worn out rake.  I’m pretty much positive that they floss with rope.  They stand in line on a mission.  Nothing is gonna get through them, their coffee stained sweatpants, and their already filled out Mega Millions card.  The cliff note version of the game is ya gotta pick six numbers.  Basically one number for every illegitimate child a seasoned lottery player has.  One of the numbers has to be the “Mega Ball.”  Again it’s called a  “Mega Ball” not to be confused with a “smegma ball” which I assume every regular male lottery player is in possession of.

Now that we all can agree on the stereotypical lottery player how can we NOT pray that he or she isn’t the winner.  We’re not talking about anyone that is gonna give Warren Buffet a run for his money. Once they take the lump sum (and why wouldn’t ya), get ready for the biggest Wal-Mart shopping spree in history!  Everyone in the family gets a new CB radio.  Watch the profits of John Deere soar.  I can’t wait for the magical moment when Mom breaks the news to her nine kids:  “Put on your best wife-beater…the one without the spaghetti sauce stain, we finally going to SUPER Target!!!”  How about that great moment when she calls her sister in Kentucky to break the news?  “Mary Lou?  We be millionaires!!  Tell that husband of yours and cousin of mine that we are gonna get him a fake leg made out of cherry wood.  That way his knee won’t get warm standing round the bonfire in the fall.”

I’d say more but the drawing is almost here.  I need to get my tickets, a 12-pack of Natural Light and some Redman!

on

Take a look at the items to the left.  Do you know what they are?  At first it looks like those water rockets you would play with as a kid but that is FAAAAAR from the truth.  This apparatus is called a Post-T-Vac.  When I hear that term I think of a vacuum cleaner that sweeps up unwanted post-it notes.  Wrong you are again Robin.  Lately I have been suffering from insomnia so that means I am exposed to a lot of infomercials for late night TV.  The other night I saw the infomercial for the Post-T-Vac.  I found a two-minute video that pretty much explains its purpose.  Click HERE.

Yup….this thing and its accoutrements are to be put on your male member.  It promises to show results in four minutes.  There is NO WAY I’m putting my manhood in this salad shredder.  Did you look at the commercial?  Who ARE these people.  I PRAY these guys have erectile dysfunction because there is no way we want these couples procreating unless we wanna go back to Darwin’s waiting room.

They also say that the Post-T-Vac is covered by insurance.  Really?  You wanna make that call to Blue Cross?  “Hello Blue Cross??  Dick Limpy here.  I need you guys to fork over some cash so I can stuff my over cooked noodle in a small vacuum cleaner.  Hello?  Hello??”  They also claim it’s “clinically proven.”  I know times are tough but I don’t wanna be working in THAT clinic.  These dudes coming in sticking their magic sticks inside a sucking beaker until they get it right?  Show me how the guys that were part of that study are walking today.  I bet they look like a pirate looking for his parrot.

They also promise that it’s “delivered discretely” and it’s “100% guaranteed.”  Well good God I would hope so.  I don’t need my Fed Ex guy ringing the doorbell, asking me to sign for my package and saying “Use this pen because it’s probably the only hard thing you’ll put in your hand for awhile.”  About that 100% guarantee.  Do you really wanna be working in the mail room when the returns come in?  That job may actually be worse than when they conducted the “clinical study.”

I could say more but I need to do my “Total Insanity” workout and put some “Wen” in my hair.