Posts Tagged ‘Cleveland’

your hired

I’m an odd duck.  I left the world of radio eight years ago and in that time I have become my own boss.  I have relocated to my hometown of Cleveland and live in my basement.  I have a wonderful bedroom upstairs that is for my mom when she visits.  I have not been in my loft.  I have three TV’s downstairs, a desk, a podcast studio, three computers and a notepad.  I ride a Harley.  I don’t have a vehicle.  I support Uber and rarely go out.  In the past I have been accused of being difficult and I chose today’s blog as an opportunity to examine and address that accusation.

First of all I think people quickly assume someone is difficult when they are a free thinker.  I will always tell you how I feel.  There ARE bad ideas in brainstorming.  I never criticize unless I have a solution.  Too many people in the position of authority are insecure in their own leadership abilities, or lack thereof, that they only want you to bow down and kiss the ring.  To work for this type of person is to forfeit your own integrity.  I want to work for one that will guide me and not order me.  The best managers hire people and let them grow.  They let you fail because you cannot enjoy success without tasting defeat.

Critics of me, and there are many, want to silence me.  I could have played the corporate game and amassed a tremendous amount of money.  My integrity is not for sale.  You can take all my material possessions but you cannot take my mind.  I am 54 years old and I make sure I learn something new each day.  I have learned that the circle of true friends that accept you for what are is surprisingly small.

A job does not love you or define who you are.  It’s just the way of paying the cable bill and mine is $140 a month.  Family is everything and I am lucky to be home and rediscovering mine.  It’s never to late to change.  Question everything that is told to you.  Be accountable for what you say and what you do.  Do not fear making mistakes.  If that makes me difficult then I proudly wear that crown.

512 x 512 fist

I don’t know where to begin.  It’s been a hell of a trip.  I have knocked on and have witnessed the devil’s door.  I am finally home in Cleveland after a long journey in radio that has taught me the lessons of life and what truly matters.  I was consumed with radio.  I gave it everything I had.  I learned that radio is probably like any other job.  It does not define you.  It does not love you back.  It will not be there when you are poor in health.  It is not your friend.

I am blessed that I have been given the ability to look inside myself and determine my weaknesses (there are many) and attempt to eradicate them from my being.  I owe that to those that have stood by me.  I owe that to God.  I’m not banging the bible but there is something more than this—-if you know of my coma of six days in September of 2015 then you know I was able to see the next level.  I don’t know if it was heaven.  I do know that there is more than this.

Moving from Florida was not easy after eighteen years.  I developed habits.  Most were not good but I got comfortable until I realized I needed to come home or die.  My mind has always been one of the gifts from God and it has been reborn.  Years of psychiatric care had me buried in a cloud of xanax.  A month ago I decided to stop taking this prescribed medication and I went through two weeks of hell.  What I have received in return was worth the pain, the sleepless nights, the fear, the sweating, the vomiting and the paranoia.

I have become kind of a recluse.  I think that’s natural as we grow older as our true friends eventually stand out.  I think that trust is something that is earned and not handed out.  I look back on my life and am aware that I was lost for quite some time but all I can fix is tomorrow.  So many people struggle each day, they take it hour by hour, they were high and now they are low, nothing is a assured, we have to have faith.

Thank you for reading this.  I hope I made some sort of connection with you by sharing my experiences in the past year.  Bottom line is we may disagree on  many things but we still are all together in this crazy journey of life.  I’ll hold the door open for you.  Please do the same for others.

cleveland

I always knew I was different.  When I was a teenager I was afraid to go to the counter at McDonalds and place an order for fear I would get it wrong or they would laugh at me.  Humor became the perfect mask.  If I could make people laugh they would not see my faults.  I fell in love with radio.  That “mystery man” behind the mic that would talk to me,  I wanted, and got, that life.  Although I was very successful I was running from an illness and eventually I crashed in February of 2011.

I have OCD, am bi-polar, suffer from depression and severe social anxiety disorder.  I have been in therapy for nine years and my doctor saved my life.  Depression is not just “being in a bad mood.”  It’s a feeling of all other options running out and desperation.  It makes suicide seem logical (as illogical as that may seem).  So how did I do my job, be successful at it, and hide it from everyone?  It started with alcohol.  It gave me the courage to walk in a room, size people up, and own it.  At an event I would continue to drink to feed the monster that wanted to come out.  When that wasn’t enough I turned to drugs.  Self medicating was the way I solved my problems before I found help.  I was never a druggie in high school or college or in my early adult life but I can honestly say I became an addict.  I have learned that addiction is a terrible disease and through the help of my therapist he has taught me how to control it and not let it control me.

I also found out that it’s okay to be scared.  I don’t have all the answers to the tribulations we face in life but in 2015 I was in a coma for six days because I almost let that monster inside of me win.  That was rock bottom for me.  For the past seven years I have concentrated on fixing myself.  For some reason God has let me survive to fulfill a specific mission that I have yet to discover.  I have been blessed to actually see what awaits us.  That first night in my coma the doctors were sure I would not see the morning.  I truly am someone that got a second chance and that, among other reasons, is why I have decided to go home to Cleveland.  It is my sincere hope that others that may have these feelings know they are not alone.  My mom says I tell everyone everything and have no filter.  She is correct but no one can appreciate the success without tasting the failure.  Every new day is a blessing and there is no guarantee.  Thank you for reading this and remember “never give up.”

browns

I am a football fan.  I love my hometown team which is the Cleveland Browns.  The Browns are the laughing stock of the NFL.  Even those that aren’t football fans like to make jokes about my team and that’s okay.  I cheer for them every week and never miss a game.  I also laugh very hard during those three hours as they resemble a Stooge routine minus a pie fight.

Anyone can cheer for a winner but I believe a real winner cheers for a loser.  The Patriots are always in the play offs and probably will win the Super Bowl again this year.  That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun to me.  How can winning a championship be fun when it happens all the time?  Every week the Browns find a new way to lose.  Every week we have a new quarterback.  Every week we have a player get hurt.  Every other week a player gets arrested or goes to rehab.  If the Browns season were made into a Hollywood script no one would buy it because no one would believe it.  They say misery loves company and that company is the Cleveland Browns.

The journey of life is full of disappointments.  The life of a Browns fan is nothing but a disappointment with a side dish of frustration and I love it.  I know that every Monday my hometown will do two things:  bitch and moan.  Being a Browns fan is a great way to relieve stress.  Anything that goes wrong during your week will never match the disgrace that you witness on the football field every Sunday.

The Super Bowl is the ultimate game of the year.  The Browns have never been to the Super Bowl.  I hope, in my lifetime, I will witness the Browns win the Super Bowl but you have to be careful what you wish for.  We would be world champions.  The struggle and disappointment would be over.  There wouldn’t be a reason to bitch and moan.  There would be a parade downtown.  Thousands of people would faint from disbelief.  The four horsemen would appear and the seven seals would begin to open.  Our coach would hoist the trophy in front of the world and I assume he would drop it.  I don’t think I would ever be properly prepared for that day because I would have to be happy.  I don’t want to be a champion and that’s why I am a Browns fan.

giuliani

Danny truly had a week from hell.  Click below to see if you agree!