Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

defuse-the-lit-fuse-21635795

Are you missing it like most of the nation?  I watched several TV feeds this morning and everyone is talking about the Kentucky Derby and having Maximum Security  disqualified because of running into another horse.  Has anyone asked the obvious question?  Is this not fucking animal abuse to begin with?  I always say……run these wonderful animals up to the gate…..minus the jockeys…..ring the bell….have sex in the infield….have a mint julep….wear the hat….whatever…..ELIMINATE the jockeys and ya know what the horses will do when that gate is lifted?  Look for an apple!!!  Look for a telephone pole to piss on.  Look for a carrot….because that’s what horses do dammit.

Meanwhile we have an entourage of ships heading towards Iran, a military crisis in Venezuela that just has disappeared, Gaza Strip is missile war zone, and North Korea is back at it’s silly shit.  These are the stories we need to be concerned with but watch tonight how the mainstream media fawns over the Royal Baby.  I’ll be back in my bunker…..

MOON

I am so tired of explaining this but it’s back in the news after Israel failed in landing an UNMANNED spacecraft on the moon this week.  I get ridiculed all the time I bring this up but I will NEVER trust our government.  We are told what we NEED to hear and are conditioned NOT to question what they tell us.  When is the last time that government got involved and it was good?  Part of my mantra is “trust is earned; not handed out.”  What has our government done to insure your trust?  Let me save you the effort…..NOTHING!  It’s a cesspool of corruption and self entitlements.  Look at everything the government has it’s hands on:  IRS, Social Security, Medicare, etc.  Fail…Fail….Fail.

Let’s look at facts:  Space Shuttle 135 missions to ORBIT the earth.  Shuttles Challenger and Columbia were destroyed during their mission and we lost fourteen astronauts.  The Apollo missions resulted in (sic) six moon landings between 1969-1972.  Now we wanna go back?  The moon race in the 60’s was a race between America and Russia.  We were in a cold war and needed a jolt of nationalism.  Why not go to the moon?  Have you ever been to a space museum and seen the capsule our astronauts returned to orbit in?  I’d feel safer in an AMC Pacer crashing into a pole.  Let’s look at this story in more detail.  This shitty capsule traveled 238,900 miles from the moon and then just drops in the ocean within miles of the awaiting Navy ship?  Is this a ten year old explaining who ate the last piece of cake to his mother?  It doesn’t sink.  It doesn’t burn up.  Astronauts are not impaled upon a remote control stick from an Atari that acted as their compass into the aforementioned ocean?  What the hell is going on here?  This makes absolutely no sense but I, the one that is calling bullshit, am looked upon as a nutball.  I just wanna understand why we need to go back if we have been there before.  Perhaps we never were there?  That makes a lot more sense than what our government has been telling us since 1969.  If you need me…..I’ll be in my bunker.  Thanks for reading.

THE FRECKLEI give nicknames to everyone.  The greatest I have ever bestowed was “The Freckle.”  That was reserved for a freckled female that was my General Manager for my final years in radio in West Palm Beach.  I walked away back in 2011 and “The Freckle” was a big reason why I did so and have not come back since.

She was an interesting character.  First time as a General Manager and always sticking her nose into things she had no knowledge of and if her friends from church would say anything about the station during Sunday services it would be on the agenda Monday morning.  We were on a collision course.  Me and “The Freckle.”

I don’t play games.  I work hard and made the mistake of letting a job define me.  Some have called me “difficult” but that is a mask for someone that doesn’t appreciate anyone that is lazy.  I have no room in my life for lazy people.  If that makes me difficult then I will proudly wear that crown.  “The Freckle” did not like to be questioned.  You had to kiss her ring or you weren’t part of the tribe.  We were on a collision course.  Me and “The Freckle.”

I don’t like bullshit.  When it became clear to me that the Sheriff was corrupt and the TV/gossip columnist was an ass I took them on.  I have a big mouth and I really don’t care what people think.  That’s not how it was done in West Palm Beach.  The more you shoot your mouth off the more you become a target and I found that out the hard way.  The vermin came out of their holes and came after me.  One day I was falsely accused of something and of course all charges were dropped.  That didn’t matter to “The Freckle.”  Even though I was innocent and was basically a target of retribution by the Sheriff, she never stood by me.  I was off the air and banned from the station and all events.  When the truth was told, all charges dropped, I could see “The Freckle” steaming.  She had no choice to put me back on the air and why not?  I had solid number one ratings in all key demos.  The irony was that I was making “The Freckle” look good.  We were on a collision course.  Me and “The Freckle.”

Back in 2010 I told “The Freckle” the days of music are dead.  We need to do podcasts after the show.  It’s the biggest threat to commercial radio.  We need to drop all music in the morning and work harder on compelling content.  What did “The Freckle” do?  Ignored me and demand I play more music.  This arranged marriage was nearing the end.  “The Freckle” started to eliminate those that questioned her and wouldn’t kiss the ring.  The mental games had taken their toll on me.  My health was suffering and I had lost my edge and my confidence.  Long story short, I walked away from that toxic situation in early 2011.

Funny thing about history.  It will make you look like a prophet or a fool.  Today that morning show that replaced me is doing well.  They have a podcast after every show and they don’t play music.  I look at those days with “The Freckle” and I wondered why I waited so long to walk away.  I have so much more to share with you about “The Freckle”, but those stories will have to wait for my book.

gay menI am not an attractive man.  I have a great mind and sense of humor but that’s where it all ends.  I will never be on the cover of Men’s Health.  Having said that I have been very lucky with dating many attractive and intelligent women…..I have also made some terrible decisions….but I put myself in those situations.

Let me share with you the magical evening I was hit on by another man.  I was at my typical dive bar near my house filled with drug dealers and hookers.  They used to have illegal slot machines in there that paid off in cash.  I got to know the regulars.  I became a regular….again not my best moment.  I got to know this black guy that would work at Red Lobster and then ride his bike to the bar and have a few drinks.  He was openly gay but if ya know me….ya know I only care about good and bad.

One night I sat down at the bar next to my gay black friend.  Conversation seemed normal but then he said something that I was not prepared for.  First of all ya gotta understand my physical make up.  I am 6’3 290 pounds and I usually wear a Harley bandana, sunglasses and a vest without sleeves.  It’s not, by any means, a pretty sight.  My young, black, gay friend stares at the top of the bar and remarks “You have great hands.”  I was stunned.  I thought I was hearing things.  My mind was able to tell my soul that he wanted to stick his fine ebony tool in something of my person.  My brain just short wired.  I looked at him, still caught of guard and only was able to mutter, “Thanks!”

Thanks?????   What the hell was that?  I’m a smart guy that always is on alert to anything and anyone and I just had a man hit on me for the first time in my life and all I could say was “Thanks?”  You say that to someone who holds the door open at the 7-11 on a Saturday morning while customers are lined up to buy lotto tickets and vapes.

I then excused myself and went to the jukebox.  I played Ga Ga’s “Born This Way” and we danced to last call drinking Pina Colodas and planning a weekend trip to a Ricky Martin concert.  Eighty percent of this story is true.  If you knew me in West Palm then it should be easy to figure out.  Thanks for reading my friends.

sharpton

I have followed the career of Al Sharpton since the late 80’s.  He’s quite the character but if you pull back the skin like an onion you’ll see the truth–he’s a fraud and not a nice person.  You would think that while you are in the process of building a brand that would influence many and in return put you in a position of power you would embrace any support from black moderate Democrats.  The truth is he has referred to the aforementioned as “Cocktail sip Negroes” or “Yellow niggers.”  Hmmmm.  Not exactly the Joe Biden man hug I was hoping for.

Sharpton made a lot of noise with the media in the 80’s.  He would randomly call New York radio and TV stations with his opinion on stories that involved a person of color.  He soon became familiar with many journalists in the New York area and when they would need a comment for a news story that had a racial slant….they resorted to calling Sharpton.  I give him credit for being able to manipulate the media into becoming the Sea Monkeys that they are.

Let’s fast forward to today.  Every Democratic nominee for President in 2020 has resorted to kissing this man’s ring in order to get an endorsement.   Based on his terrible and short lived TV show it is obvious he is insecure and would never hire anyone to challenge him.  In regards to his TV show he took on a project he was unable to handle.  If I was on staff I would have advised him:  “Perhaps you should concentrate on putting a few sentences together before putting on the Lion’s head.”

Critics of my brilliant and accurate observation of Al Sharpton will and do play the race card.  They will scream “He doesn’t like black people.”  I will say this again.  I don’t see color.  I see good and evil and as long as you have brought up color I would suggest you find a true patriot of color to rally behind.  Start with Ben Carson and if you have any more doubts about the integrity of Al Sharpton I would suggest a search on Tawana Brawley.