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These are trying times.  The upcoming 2012 election may be one of the most important  in the history of our nation.  So what the HELL was Governor Rick Perry thinking when he showed up hammered last Friday night at a fund-raiser?  Check out the video HERE.

We all screw up but this guy actually thought he could fake his way through the speech.  He looked like Richard Dawson the host of the old Family Feud.  Dawson would get so hammered during tapings that he practically was sticking his tongue down the trachea of every female contestant on the show.  I’m surprised Perry didn’t stop in the middle of his speech and say “100 people surveyed..top three answers on the board…’What does my breath smell like?’  SHOW ME SCOTCH!”

You know his “people” told him “Don’t go out there yet, Rick.”  But noooooooo!  I imagine he said “Look.  I’m the Governor already.  I’m a front-runner for the GOP nomination.  No ones gonna tell this cowboy when he’s gonna ride!”  I feel sorry for the staff member he said this to because I am sure that person was sandblasted by his septic saliva.  You can feel the tension in the room based on the nervous laughter.  Its like being at a charity fund-raiser.  If you donate a ton of money you could dry-hump the chandelier in the ballroom and people would say you were being “clever.”

Take the show business out of politics.  Imagine if the Governor said this; “Wow! I’m pretty bombed.  I’m gonna sit down before I make a real ass out of myself.  Don’t drink and drive.”  MADD loves ya.  Ya get to run back to the bar and top off and you just injected HONESTY into the campaign!  I’ll tell ya this much; if they ever bring beer pong into the debates I know who my money is on!

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Our national nightmare is over.  Our borders are now secure.  Steven  Segal has become a legitimate border sheriff in Texas!  I first thought this was a publicity stunt for his show on A & E “Lawman.”  This is where Segal rides in a police car and says in between bites of his fast-food burger “There he is” and “Let’s get him.”    This is no publicity stunt America.  Steven Segal is guarding our borders!!

This would have been a bolt of fear for southern immigrants had it been 1988.  This is not your 1988 Steven Segal.  This is your 2011 Steven Segal.  Still confused?  Think when we were choosing the Elvis stamp.  We had the “young Elvis” and the “Fat Elvis.”  Gravity has not been kind to Segal.  How is he gonna protect the borders?  The only Mexican I have faith in him catching is a quesadilla smothered in shredded cheese.  We can try not feeding Segal for a few days in the hopes that would-be illegals would stay south for  fear of actually being eaten by the former star of Under Siege.   We could build a tree stand for him to stand guard every night.  Imagine a group of ten trying to cross into our sacred land.  Segal pounces from his tree stand and all would be apprehended.  Assuming of course his land doesn’t lie on a fault line or thousands may perishes and we could suffer after shocks for weeks.

Perhaps the only option having Steven Segal successfully guard our borders is to have him just lie down in his backyard.  The prospect of scaling his massive stomach will surely discourage even the most experienced mountain climber.  Once we get into winter we could have kids from  church groups bussed in to ski off his massive girth.  If he lays down (and from the looks of it I think he does—a lot) I’m sure his navel would get a powdery base by mid-December.

Take a deep breath America, no need to doublecheck all the dead-bolts, maybe even sleep with a window cracked this weekend.  We all are a little safer thanks to Steven Segal!

 

 

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Over the weekend I read a story about the New York Mets allegedly having a porn room inside their clubhouse at old Shea Stadium.  I’m a fairly twisted guy but I have a hard time understanding the appeal of a “porn room.”  I can honestly say I don’t own a porn magazine, DVD, crazy lotion or silly rubber toy.  I live alone.  I know my luck.  I don’t need my mother stopping over and finding me dead on the couch, wearing a satin turban, holding a rubber rattle, a tube of Super Slide stuck to the dog, holding a copy of “Tight Sweater” magazine while the DVD menu for “Rambo–Ohh-Ohh” is frozen on the big screen.  My mother has suffered enough.  She doesn’t need that vision carved into her soul as she awaits her meeting with St. Peter. 

A “porn room?”  Really??  I can never imagine saying to one of my friends “Wow!  Two great games back to back.  What do ya say we order a pizza and you pick out a porno for us to watch.”  There is something really creepy about more than one guy watching porn.  It falls into the category of a guy going to a tattoo parlor and getting a tramp stamp.  You COULD do it but why WOULD you?

Imagine saying this to your wife guys, “Hey Honey.  I’m gonna take that treadmill out of the back room and drop it off at Goodwill.  I figure that’s a perfect place for our porn room.”  Cancel that trip to Home Depot there Bob Villa.  You know she’ll surround you like a cluster from Bob’s Barricades.  You’ll be in trouble for even MENTIONING something as a porn room.  Suddenly your trip to Home Depot went from getting some sheets of dry wall and a flat screen mounting bracket to thirty bags of mulch, several flats of flowers and a sun-dial.

It’s hard enough for me to explain baseball to some females.  A porn-room seriously reduces the sports credibility.   So I  ask baseball to focus on the basics.  Go back to spitting and grabbing yourselves.

 

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Hank Williams Junior is being punished for being honest.  As children we were always taught “honesty is the best policy” but now you should probably add “unless you are talking to the media.”  ESPN has decided to pull the Monday Night Football theme song that Williams has performed at the beginning of the telecast since 1991 because he compared our President to Hitler.   Yes Hank Williams Jr. is being punished for speaking his mind. 

Take a look at Hank.  I know.  We are doing a bit of profiling here but let’s be freaking honest!   I see beer, trucks, barbed-wire fence, bonfire, guns, girls in Daisy Dukes…is thyat enough for ya?   Does Hank look like a guy that’s gonna support ANY Democrat?   Let’s talk about what Hank DIDN’T say.  He never said the President was a dictator.  He never said the President was responsible for the deaths of innocent people.  He made a COMPARISON of the President and Speaker of the House John Bohener playing golf being like “Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu.”  That’s ALL he said.  It was a brain fart.  It was a mistake but it wasn’t malicious.  If you are EVER in front of a TV camera NEVER mention Hitler.  There’s a reason there isn’t a Hitler comic book or Halloween costume.

So we don’t like what people say and respond by banning things they have done?  We punish people for the right that others have fought to protect?  We are going backwards instead of forwards.  I wish America had the passion for politics of Hank Williams Jr.  I would feel confident that everyone casting a vote really understood the candidates and the issues.  Did I also mention that Hank Williams Jr. has since apologized for what he said?  Click HERE  Johnny Depp compared having his picture taken with being raped!  I find that comparison to be much more offensive than what Hank Williams Jr. said but I’m not gonna stop seeing his films until his films start to suck. 

People are becoming afraid of speaking what they think.  We are taking away our OWN freedom of speech.   Just like you never should be afraid of failure you should never be afraid of speaking your mind.  Now if you’ll excuse me…I have a tee time with Mussolini.

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An ice cream shop in Ocala, FL has been accused of racism because some believe a guy standing by the street dressed as an ice cream cone resembles a Klan member.  Read story HERE.  Sadly racism still exists in this country but is this really the face and outfit that touts white supremacy?

I have never attended a Klan rally and that’s something that isn’t on my bucket list but I think I can safely say that this man is not promoting a cross burning.  Looking at the picture I would say this is a man trying to make a few bucks dressed as a sugar cone.  Based on the waist-line of Al Sharpton I think its safe to assume he and other civil rights activists support the consumption of sugar cones on a regular basis.  So where is the controversy???

Is it in the promotion of selecting “vanilla” as a flavor of choice? I think we are on to something.   Adding a few sprinkles to the top of a vanilla cone does not make it multi-cultural so surely you understand the outrage.  I’m a chocolate guy.  I’m also a man of conviction.  I don’t care if a man stands on a street corner dressed as a Grand Wizard with sprinkles on his head I will not be intimidated to order a vanilla cone.  I like chocolate and nothing is gonna make me change my order in the custard line!  We must stop this ridiculous mind-set that all people must order vanilla.  Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry…it doesn’t matter.  No matter what the color it’s all the same on the inside.  It’s still ICE CREAM!!!

I have to go.  I think the “Hamburglar” is in my driveway trying to hot-wire my car.

 

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Last Thursday I had a date with a man.  I didn’t know what he would look like but I was sooooo excited for his arrival.  I didn’t care that there were other people he needed to satisfy before me.  He wasn’t even able to give me an exact time when he would see me.  I was told he would be at my house between 2PM and 5PM.  That was good enough for me.  I had a date with……..THE CABLE GUY!!!!

At 1:45PM I started to get nervous.  “He’ll be here soon,” I thought to myself.  He was to install high-speed internet so I cleaned my office and made my bed.  I took a quick shower and sat down in front of the TV to pass the time.  Every fifteen minutes I would get up, go to the window, part the blinds and look down the street to see if he was about to turn into my driveway.  Nothing. 4PM shows up.  No cable guy.  I didn’t want to call the company and look desperate but this is rude.  How about a call saying you are running late???

At exactly 4:57PM the doorbell rang.  It was him.  He was here for me.  FINALLY.  I opened the door and let him in.  I was a little upset with him showing up at the last-minute so I was less than cordial.  I sat on the couch while he did his thing.  Fifteen minutes later he was gone.  No handshake.  No plans to get together again.  No promise to call.  No champagne.  No caviar.  I didn’t care.  He used me and I used him.  I had high-speed internet.  I was satisfied.

Then I got to thinking:  “What if my cable guy was Ray-J?”  I could have been a Kardashian!!!  Then I thought of what Kim had to do to be famous and I was just happy being on YouTube!!

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Last week we all had a good laugh when we found out that White House gate crasher/reality star Michaele Salahi left her husband for Neal Schon, lead guitarist of Journey.  I gotta tell ya….this can happen to ANYONE! 

It’s 1989 and I’m a hot rocking, flame throwing night-time DJ in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  I was dating this girl for a few weeks and I was going to impress her by taking her BACKSTAGE at the RATT/Cinderella concert.  I know ladies….how could this NOT be anything BUT impressive.  So….concert ends…we’re backstage…the bands are there…I am very impressed with how impressed my date, Dawn D., must be with me.  I AM  Danny Impressive.  All hail ME!!!!!  It’s now time to leave as the stage is being broken down so I look to find my date.  Hmmmmmmm.  No sign of Dawn.  I corner a stage guy and asked if he saw the girl I was with.  He said  “Oh yeah…she and Freddy really hit it off..she left with him.”

LET ME CLARIFY THIS:  Freddy is Fred Coury the drummer for Cinderella.  He doesn’t commute.  He is a drummer in  a rock band that is on tour so basically my date dumped me and went on the road with Cinderella.  As I drove home……alone….I told myself, “She’s in for a load of heart ache and STD’s.  She’ll be sorry one day.”  Years later I found out that my “date” ended up MARRYING Fred Coury and they have two great looking kids. 

I learned a couple of things about myself that night in Grand Rapids.  Number One:  Stop trying to impress everyone and be yourself.  Number Two:  Never take a date backstage.

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Tom Brady is the quarterback for the New England Patriots.  Last night he threw for a franchise record 517 yards.  He has won three Super Bowls.  He makes about $18 million a year.  He is married to Gisele Bunchen.  She is one of the most beautiful models in the world.  She makes more money than Tom.  You’d have to be a blind homophobe NOT to admit that Tom is also a very good-looking man.   Cliff note version:  Tom is a multi-millionaire that is one of the best football players of all time and he wakes up next to a naked super-model.  My mother would say “He has the same problems that you do.”  Hello Mom???  Mom are you listening???  HE DOES NOT!  Life isn’t fair.  Tom is having a great string of luck that has lasted…hmmm….let me see…oh yeah….HIS ENTIRE LIFETIME!!!

Everybody has a bad day at some point.  I’m sure Tom does as well.  Perhaps the Bentley won’t start and he will be forced to drive the Porsche.  Maybe he left his black American Express card in his other three thousand dollar Italian suit and he was forced to use his Citibank card.  Perhaps his servants can’t make it to one of his mansions because of a huge winter snowstorm and Tom has to empty the dishwasher HIMSELF.   Perhaps his nude super-model wife will one day wake up with…..A PIMPLE!!!   You’re right mom….I’m feeling MUCH better now.  🙂

 

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I hate to waste time and I love social media.  Talk about two worlds colliding.  I try to post things that will be of interest to others or something that will spark a compelling thread.  Having said that I would like to address three issues:

1)  I DON’T HAVE TIME TO PLAY GAMES:  Just because you are successful in Farmville doesn’t mean you can relocate to the midwest and grow wheat for a living.  I don’t care if your black cow ran away because guess what…YOU DON’T HAVE A BLACK COW!!!  You’re not in the mafia either so don’t invite me to this so-called “war” you think you’re involved in.

2)  THE PEOPLE LISTED TO THE LEFT ARE JUST FRIENDS:  Don’t tell me we are all in a strip bar or on a school bus or going on a road trip and I have to match up the random friend with something they are supposedly doing.  If I want to think about something that will NEVER happen let me wonder about winning the lottery.

3)  A SONG IS A SONG ITS NOT YOUR STATUS!  I hate when I’m watching my news feed and someone posts “Do you like sugar?  One lump or two?  Did I miss my name getting called for karaoke?  Am I supposed to be onstage singing a Def Leppard song?  The answer is “no” and “no.”  Posting song lyrics as your status tells me this: “You’re a loser baby…..”

I’m glad I got that off my chest.  Time to be productive with the rest of my day.  I’m gonna grab my iPhone and play Words With Friends.  Have a great weekend!