Our national nightmare is over. Our borders are now secure. Steven Segal has become a legitimate border sheriff in Texas! I first thought this was a publicity stunt for his show on A & E “Lawman.” This is where Segal rides in a police car and says in between bites of his fast-food burger “There he is” and “Let’s get him.” This is no publicity stunt America. Steven Segal is guarding our borders!!
This would have been a bolt of fear for southern immigrants had it been 1988. This is not your 1988 Steven Segal. This is your 2011 Steven Segal. Still confused? Think when we were choosing the Elvis stamp. We had the “young Elvis” and the “Fat Elvis.” Gravity has not been kind to Segal. How is he gonna protect the borders? The only Mexican I have faith in him catching is a quesadilla smothered in shredded cheese. We can try not feeding Segal for a few days in the hopes that would-be illegals would stay south for fear of actually being eaten by the former star of Under Siege. We could build a tree stand for him to stand guard every night. Imagine a group of ten trying to cross into our sacred land. Segal pounces from his tree stand and all would be apprehended. Assuming of course his land doesn’t lie on a fault line or thousands may perishes and we could suffer after shocks for weeks.
Perhaps the only option having Steven Segal successfully guard our borders is to have him just lie down in his backyard. The prospect of scaling his massive stomach will surely discourage even the most experienced mountain climber. Once we get into winter we could have kids from church groups bussed in to ski off his massive girth. If he lays down (and from the looks of it I think he does—a lot) I’m sure his navel would get a powdery base by mid-December.
Take a deep breath America, no need to doublecheck all the dead-bolts, maybe even sleep with a window cracked this weekend. We all are a little safer thanks to Steven Segal!