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Let me preface this post by saying that I don’t have children.  My thoughts tend to be a bit bizarre so many people will thank me for not procreating.  Bullying is something that I went through many years ago and I think your child can learn from the mistakes my parents made (of course I blame my parents…it’s the only way I’ll get invited on Maury Povich)

1)  DON’T DRESS YOUR KID LIKE A DOUCHE:  My mother put me in Florsheim shoes, knit slacks and a sweater vest.  I didn’t look like I was going to school, I looked like I was going to a job interview.  She slicked my hair back like I was a member of “The Outsiders.”  The only thing she didn’t do is put a sign on my back that said”  Please pull my underwear deeply into my butt crack and stick my head in the school toilet.”

2) PEPPER SPRAY:  Tasers weren’t around when Jim Adams would punch me in the face on a weekly basis.  There was no reason for the assault other than I wore braces and I would bleed more profusely.  He even did it after asking to borrow ten cents to buy a Nutty Buddy.  “Thanks for the dime…take this!!!!”  Pepper Spray is the great equalizer.  If you can hold down a button you can be the bigger man.  Just make sure you get a note from a child psychologist saying its okay.

3)  KEEP YOUR KID OUT OF BAND:  My mother made me play the trumpet starting in the second grade.  I would have to carry my instrument to and from school every day.  Its one thing to bring your football helmet and shoulder pads on the bus as opposed to the kid struggling to pull his oboe through the school bus door.  You won’t get relief in high school when ya join the marching band.  I wore white bucks, had a goofy white hat with a green plume, and I would dance on the football field with 120 other nerds to songs like “Ease on Down the Road.”  Just writing this I wanna find a time machine, go back to 1982, and kick my OWN ass.

You may find my suggestions a bit outlandish but what do you expect from a kid that had his mother write his social security number on the waistband of his underwear with a sharpie when I left home for my first year of college.  No one stole my underwear but the Asian kid on my floor took my identity.

Have a great weekend!

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Show me a mistake and I will show ya an opportunity to learn something.  We all stumble and fall during life but if you can better yourself after a momentary setback then the negative is actually a positive.  Arnold has been all over the news lately and his rep is definitely taking a beating.  As outsiders we can look at this and learn three things right away:

1)  KNOW WHEN TO PULL OUT:  I have been in career situations where I thought “I know this isn’t the best situation for me but it will get better.”  I’ve learned that things don’t and won’t self correct themselves.  Don’t rely on others, rely on yourself.  If your gut is telling you it isn’t right then look for another challenge.

2)  DON’T GRAB IT JUST BECAUSE IT’S IN FRONT OF YOU:  A lot of time when we face a challenge we look for the “quick fix” just because its convenient.  More often than not you are just putting a band-aid where you actually need a tourniquet.  Finding a solution or the right situation takes time but it’s well worth the wait.

3)  IF YOU DECIDE TO SCREW SOMEONE BE PREPARED FOR THE PAYBACK:  You’re gonna get stabbed in the back a few times in life.  The big test if how you react.  Getting “even” is a natural feeling but it’s not gonna get you anywhere.  Don’t lower yourself to “that” level.  Take your lumps and move on.  In the long run you will be the winner. 

Remember…always find that positive in the negative but don’t ask me to explain Arnold’s maid.  If I were a radio sales rep I’d be approaching him to endorse some laser vision correction!

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My black lab is twelve years old.  I’ve spent just about every day with him since the end of January as I look for my next morning radio job.  This has allowed me to observe him and I’ve realised he is much smarter than I thought.  Based on my observations I can share with you these three life lessons:

1)  PICK YOUR PRIORITIES:  My dog really only cares about the following  a)  eating, b) going outside and c) who the hell is at the door?.  I used to run to answer the phone and my dog looked at me like I was an idiot.  I pay for voice mail.  He has a good point.

2)  IF YOU ARE LOOKING AHEAD YOU WILL MISS WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU:  We all need to slow down.  I worry about tomorrow.  I plan for next month.  I never have taken the time to stop and look around.  If my dog did this he would miss all the Doritos crumbs I drop on the floor.

3)  SOMETIMES YA JUST GOTTA EAT SH@T!:  I caught him doing this the other day.  I could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t like it one bit.  I don’t think anyone does but it’s just part of life.  He handles it a lot better than most of us do.  He just comes in the house, gets a drink of water, then looks for a bone to get that taste out of his mouth.  Instead of all of us complaining about the taste we need to DO something to refresh our breath.  Once again…..brilliant.

So what do ya say we ALL let the phone ring, relax and brush our teeth.  It will make for a much better day!

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I really miss being on the radio but it has been an invaluable learning experience for me.  I have had the opportunity to listen to a LOT of morning radio across the country.  Some good but most of it wasn’t good at all.  As someone who has “listened” to a ton of radio recently I’d like to point out three things that make me bail on a morning show (commercials are a given but a good tease will get ya through the break as long as it’s not a six-minute stop set).

1)  LAUGHING WHEN IT’S NOT FUNNY:  I love to laugh but some of these shows seem like  there’s a gas leak in the studio.  Imagine being out with your friends and laughing at EVERYTHING they say:  Friend:  “I think I’ll have the eggplant”  YOU:  AHHHHHH…you said eggplant.  It doesn’t have a shell so how can it be an egg?AHHHHHHHHHHH!”  Awkward.  Not real.

2)  NOT ENGAGING ME:  Entertain or inform me.  If you are talking to just hear yourself talk you are wasting the listener’s time.  I can get that without commercial interruption at the DMV.  Let’s take a simple topic like traffic tickets.  If you got one on the way to work I don’t care.  If you got OUT of one I’m a bit interested HOW that happened.  If you got out of it by telling the cop you are a producer for gay porn and you think his mustache is a turn on, I’m engaged AND entertained.  “I’ll tell ya why I’m walking funny, next!” is the tease into the break.

3)  DOES IT INVOLVE THE “BIG THREE:”  There are three categories that will grab someone’s interest:  a)  their home, b)  their heart and c)  their bank account.  If you start talking about any of these three,  people will show some interest.  Get them involved, make them laugh and/or  learn something then they will STAY interested.

Those are my three.  What makes YOU shut off morning radio?  In the meantime I’ll be on a busy street corner making a banana split in my pants hoping to get some TV coverage.

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Social media is a here to stay and it’s a necessary marketing tool for you and your business.  I’m a facebook junkie.  I always aim to engage my friends in some sort of discussion thread or entertainment element.   As a public service I offer the following that I urge all to STOP DOING ON FACEBOOK!

 1)  NO MORE PICTURES OF FOOD YOU ARE ABOUT TO EAT:  Being able to flag down a waiter, decide on an entre’, order it, then have it delivered to your table is hardly a magic trick.  Put down your iPhone, grab your fork Copperfield, and eat your freaking dinner.

2)  PUT A SHIRT ON AND GET AWAY FROM THE MIRROR:  Congratulations on shaving your chest and your twelve pack.  All that hard work in the gym has rewarded you with being alone on a Saturday night with your shirt off in front of your bathroom mirror and your cell phone in your hand.  Now go to your room, close the blinds and your door, and do what we know you need to do to yourself.

3)  STOP LOOKING LIKE A DUCK AND SMILE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING:  I’m not sure what makes the females think they are being seductive when they make this face.  It looks more like the sudden onset of bell’s palsy.  Unless you floss with a rope, open up your mouth and show me those pearly whites!.

Social Media is a great thing.  Follow me on Twitter HERE.  Be my facebook friend HERE.  That’s all for today.  I need to let everyone on Four Square know that I just walked into Home Depot!!

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I’m a dude so I am always intrigued and confused by the actions of the opposite sex.  Last night I woke up to a commercial for something called a “Tri-Phoria.”  I think most men have never attended a bridal shower so we tend to believe what we see on TV is proper representation of what we haven’t experienced.

I’m thinking this “Tri-Phoria” is some sort of blender with three speeds.  In a way I was right but you’re not making a batter you’re battering yourself.  You really need to watch this video.  Watch it HERE.

“Blow your hair back?”  Isn’t that what a stylist does?  I’m so confused.  Never in the throngs of passion have I ever heard the fairer sex yell “BLOW MY HAIR BACK!!” 

My confusion continues :50 into the commercial when she shares with her fiance’ what she received at the bridal shower.  She asks him if he remembers the massager that HE talked about.  Memo to the ladies:  If your man is talking about a “Tri-Phoria” he probably isn’t playing “Texas Hold ‘Em” when he has a “night out with the boys.” 

Lastly I have to point out his REACTION to his lady receiving THREE  Tri-Phorias.  He responds like he won fifty-yard line seats to the Super Bowl.  Three Tri-Phorias in a house with two people?  I’m able to do the math.  I wouldn’t be jumping up and down in euphoria, I’d be looking for a chair and a seat belt!  Tonight when I go to sleep with the television on…I’m gonna make sure to set the timer!

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Sunday is Mother’s Day and I figured out what I’m getting Mom this year:  a collection of wooden spoons.  Of course I will also have to take some time to explain to her that the primary use of the wooden spoon is for COOKING!

My mother had a VERY impressive collection of wooden spoons.  There was one in the laundry room on top of the dryer, one in the bathroom by her hot rollers, one in the glovebox of the car, and of course one in the kitchen drawer.

Do you remember “THE SOUND?”  You had just pushed mom past her limits.  You ignored the warning of “Don’t make me get the wooden spoon.”  Suddenly you hear a drawer open and then your mother is searching  through the various kitchen utensils.  This is your last moment to run.  The rummaging suddenly stops and you don’t need to look back to know what has happened:  MOM IS ARMED WITH HER WEAPON!!

If you were like me then you looked for “circular shelter.”  We had a round table in the dining room and if I could make it to the basement I had the pool table.  My strategy was to tire mom out by making her chase me around the table like Wiley Coyote!  My mother is  gonna be 72 this October and I know if ya put a wooden spoon in her hand today she will run a 40 yard dash that would impress scouts at the NFL combine.

Luckily my mother is still with me and Sunday is HER day.  I’m sure you will understand, just to be on the safe side, when she’s in the kitchen, I’ll be on the other side of the dining room table.

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The biggest military event since our second invasion of Iraq and ya think the White House would plan better.  What a crappy watch party this looks like.  Every Sunday during the NFL season my house is football central.  I have a few suggestions for the next global crisis:

1)  MORE CHAIRS:  I don’t know who these people are in the back of the room but get a head count before the assassination attempt.  Forty minutes is a long time to stand without a commercial break.

2)  GIVE THE BEST CHAIR TO THE HOST:  Just because you show up with all your medals doesn’t mean you can take the host’s chair.  I suppose you’ll make the President get off his card table chair and pay for the pizza when it shows up too, right?

3)  NO WORK DURING THE BIG EVENT:  You’ve been chasing this Bin-Laden guy for almost eleven years.  Put the lap-tops away and update your facebook page AFTER he’s killed.

4)  SNACKS!!:  This watch party sucks.  Stale coffee and no keg?  Where are the chips? Thirteen people show up and they rely on the host for food?  There has to be a BP outside the White House.  Stop being such a mooch and at least bring a bag of Funions.

5)  HAVE A LITTLE FUN!:  Show your team spirit.  Other than the guy that is hogging the best chair I don’t know which team you are cheering for.  How about a little camo?  Maybe a flag to wave?  How about a giant foam M-16?  The wall is empty.  Missed opportunity to make squares to guess how long into the procedure before we put a couple of slugs into Osama’s dome.  C’mon….be creative!!!

I’m glad we finally got the guy but next time we take out an international terrorist….I’ll be watching at Duffy’s.

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I woke up to the news this morning that Osama Bin Laden is dead.  My reaction was obvious joy which turned to heavy skepticism.  It’s just the way I think.  Let me preface these comments by saying I have the highest respect for the men and women of our military.  I also have the same amount of apprehension for our government officials who have been misleading us for YEARS.  In the late 40’s we went into Nicaragua and infected citizens with syphilis just to make sure penicillin DID work so this is nothing new.  I HOPE the news is true but at least consider these points:

1)  BIN LADEN DIED YEARS AGO:  Back in 2006 CNN reported Bin Laden was seriously ill with typhoid.  He also supposedly died two years ago of cancer.  His FACE would instill fear in people.  This doesn’t break up terror cells.   Retaliation is what FUELS al-Qaeda.

2)  BURIED AT SEA:  U.S. officials say they did this in accordance with Muslim tradition and law.  2,752 innocent Americans were killed on 9-11-01.  I know that isn’t part of Muslim tradition and law.  Why not bring the body back, conduct the DNA tests here with numerous doctors/scientists from different countries, then bury at sea so there is no shrine and no doubt?

3)  CLASSIC DEFLECTION:  The economy is tanking, gasoline prices out of control, second wave of foreclosures coming, the value of the American dollar is at a record low, these are tough and trying times.  With the “death” of Bin Laden we once again put these issues on the back burner, wave flags and chant “USA, USA, USA.”  Just remember that as hated as George Bush was when he left office he had an approval rating at one time of ninety two-percent.

4) WAS HE REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR 9-11?:  No question Osama Bin Laden was a terrorist.  We have been told he was the mastermind behind the attacks of 9-11.  If that was the case how come the FBI NEVER included those allegations on their most wanted poster?  See poster HERE.

I hope this SOB IS dead but ya know there’s just another whacko behind him grabbing the ZZ Top beard, walking stick, Match Game ’77 microphone and a fitted sheet.  Terrorism doesn’t die with the death of Bin Laden.  Now about that moon landing…………:)