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My view on things has always been a bit distorted.  That’s just the way I am.  Having said that I offer five things I am confused about on this day that we celebrate the Fourth of July.

1) CHOOSE YOUR LANGUAGE:  Whether it be at the ATM or calling an automated switchboard we are prompted with this decision.  If I were visiting embassy row I would understand.  Shouldn’t those that DON’T speak english be inconvenienced?

2) SALUTE THE TROOPS:  Many men and women have given their lives for this country.  Why do we ignore them when they return from duty?  I believe they deserve a bit more than a parade once a year.

3) GO TO JAIL FOR WHAT GROWS NATURALLY:  It’s okay for America to be hooked on prescription drugs because pharmaceutical companies contribute to campaign election funds.  If Pfizer could patent dirt, sun and fertilizer they would!

4)  DON’T PULL THE MAN WEARING THE TURBAN AND HOLDING THE KORAN OUT OF THE SECURITY LINE!:  If a bunch of tall, balding Pollocks hijacked planes and flew them into the World Trade Center I would budget an extra fifteen minutes for me to get through airport security.  I understand the law of averages game.  Instead we search the soiled diaper of a 95 year old woman? 

5)  TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE!  Our fore fathers made sure that this land is our land….after we barbarically came here and took it from the Native Americans.  Hmmmm….good thing they didn’t tell Paul Revere that or perhaps he wouldn’t have saddled up the horse.

So now it’s time for me to light a sparkler made in China, sit down on a plastic chair made in Korea, and drink a cold German beer to celebrate our “independence.”  Seriously….Happy Fourth of July.  🙂

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As we all know NBC’s Chris Hanson has allegedly been caught cheating on his wife.  Why is this front page news? The divorce rate is 50% and I think we all know a few people cheating on their spouses.  It is because of what Chris is KNOWN FOR that the media has made this into a story.

Chris has busted quite a few sickos during his time as host of “To Catch a Predator.”  If this story is true then what happened, although morally wrong, happened between two consenting adults.  Chris didn’t show up at a Chuck E Cheese with a roll of quarters in his speedo, a squirt gun and a box of condoms.  We don’t know what’s going on inside his house so I think this is between he and his wife.

Now what about “the other woman?”  Her name is Kristyn Caddel and she is a reporter at the NBC affiliate here in West Palm Beach.  I’ve lived and worked in the media here in West Palm since 2004 and this is the first time I heard her name.  She’s taking quite a beating in the blogs and I almost feel sorry for her.  I say “almost” because she is gonna benefit in the long run.  Jessica Hahn, Rachel Uchitel, OctoMom, Amy Fischer….the list of people who have found fame through pop culture is endless.  Call it sleazy but we, as consumers, have created this monster.

I think about Hansen’s opening line.  Was it “Ever watch TV?  Ever watch Dateline?” What were their trysts like?  Did he tape them with a hidden camera?  What did Kristyn say when that guy with the headset and giant boom microphone came out of the hallway closet?

See how easy it is?  I’m part of the problem instead of part of the solution.  I need to get MY name out there.  I’m off to ring Mary Jo Buttafuoco’s doorbell.

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What the hell has happened to our country?  No one speaks the truth anymore.  Everyone is afraid of offending someone.  How can we effectively communicate with one another when we are not being completely honest?  Opinions are just the thoughts of an individual.  They are similar to feelings.  To that particular individual they CAN’T be wrong.  We don’t have to agree with one another but let’s at least cut the bulls**t and be honest.  I’m gonna list five topics and give you my honest opinion on each.  Perhaps this will get the honesty ball rolling.

1) KIM KARDASHIAN:  She got famous for what she put IN her mouth as opposed to the nonsense that comes out of her mouth.  She’ll never get married to this basketball player and she has a fat ass.  Because of her massive Twitter following she IS influencial.  God help us.

2) PRESIDENT OBAMA:  He’s a great speaker but so was my priest back in Cleveland and my priest would have no business being President.  I wish he’d just admit he talked his way into office and not run in 2012.  Give me a guy with a stuttering problem and a crappy wardrobe as long as he can rescue a business.  America IS a business and it’s a business in BIG trouble.

3)  AFFIRMATIVE ACTION:  This is a joke and it’s racist.  Hire the best person for the job.  It really is that simple.  Imagine applying affirmative action to the NBA.  Does THAT put it in perspective for you?

4)  BI-LINGUAL SOCIETY:  This is crap.  We are in America and you speak English.  Don’t make me push a special button at the ATM to receive instructions in English.  I am a HUGE proponent of tradition.  Speak your native language inside your home but learn english like my great grand parents had to do.

5)  CORPORAL PUNISHMENT:  Smack away.  I didn’t say abuse I said smack.  No one knows what “hot” really is until you put your hand on the stove.  You say “no” to me and I still think it’s a “maybe.”  Pull out the strap or wooden spoon and put that to use and I understand the meaning of the word “no.”

There ya go.  My thoughts may not be popular but at least you know how I feel.  Will YOU be honest today?

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Gay marriage is now legal in the state of New York.  I don’t understand what took so long.  Why was it illegal in the first place?  There is something not quite right with laws put into place that prevent love and happiness.  If two consenting adults want their union recognized what is the big deal and who are the lawmakers to judge.  If they were soooooo bright then they would have refused to issue ME a marriage license for BOTH of my ex-wives.

The religious right will obviously be against this but the religious right has a knack of picking out only the verses in the bible that support THEIR cause.  Read the entire bible…Matthew 7:1  “Judge not, that you be not judged.”  Just because you go the church every Sunday DOESN’T mean you are a good person.  I once worked for someone that was active in their church and there is no doubt in my mind that this person has Satan on their speed dial.

I also say to the gay population “Be careful what you ask for.”  Us breeders have a divorce rate right now of about fifty percent.  Two gay guys fighting over their IKEA furniture and Banana Republic sweater collection is not something one can get over by drinking some sparking water and having a sorbet.  Marriage is tough and it takes a lot of work and a lot of maintenance.  There is enough hate and anger in this world.  I say any chance we have to celebrate “love”, make me part of that toast!

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Today is the second anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson.  Earlier today I posed a question on my facebook page asking my friends how they will remember him.  As you can imagine the results were mixed but everyone had an opinion.

Let’s not kid ourselves, the guy was NOT normal.  Any man other than MJ that would dress like Peter Pan and sit in an oak tree at an amusement park would be taken away by men in white with large butterfly nets and he would then spend a few years in a rubber room weaving baskets out of cooked spaghetti.

Normal people go to the theatre to watch “The Elephant Man.”  They don’t get on eBay, buy his remains and put ’em on display in their rec room so they have something to stare at while their pet chimp is holding the Nintendo controls.

When I go to the doctor I let the nurse take my blood pressure and engage in some small talk before I see the doctor.  I don’t use that time to see if she would be interested in being a portal for my DNA so I could assume custody of our offspring and then cover their faces like they were on the run from Wyatt Earp.

Let’s also not ignore this:  Thirteen number one singles, the greatest selling album of all time, a billion dollars in earnings AFTER his death, and seven more albums YET to come before 2017.  Michael Jackson changed music and he will be remembered as one of the greatest performers of all time.  Maybe we all should embrace our inner crazy a little bit more and see what happens.

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Wiener.  It looks funny and it sounds funny.  Think back to when you were a kid playing in the empty lot with the neighborhood kids.  “You’re a wiener.”  Not exactly a term of endearment.  Now imagine what it must have been like to be a kid going through life with that last name?  Only the Scrotum family could possibly relate to how traumatizing it must have been.

Now if ya make it through your high school graduation without having a mental breakdown I think the name of “wiener” actually BUILDS mental toughness.  You would have developed incredible patience and self-restraint.  Now lets assume you actually become a US Congressman.  Talk about having the last laugh!  “Who’s your wiener NOW???” you would probably shout at your twenty year high school reunion.  All of this makes perfect sense.

Let’s say you pull out your smart phone, switch it to camera, take a picture of your aforementioned beef by-product, and start sending it off into cyber-space to females you don’t know.  WHAT????   I know.  What the hell was he thinking?  I can’t figure it out either.

People I KNOW don’t wanna see mine.  I don’t wanna see mine.  “The David” is one of the greatest sculptures of all time and even Michelangelo didn’t want David to show his to anyone.  There is a zipper on every pair of men’s pants to remind  male morons one thing “People DON”T wanna see it!”  This is not something people easily forget.  Something that seems so trivial actually has life-long repercussions.  Do ya think anyone really feels comfortable sitting in front of Pee-Wee Herman at a movie theatre?  So guys, wear a fanny pack, keep that comb-over, wear a shirt with a bunch of fish on it but PLEASE…….put that thing away!

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Years ago people laughed when they said “music will only be heard on the FM dial.”  Look what happened.  We, as the radio industry, are our own worst enemy.  You can’t fool the listener.  You can’t TELL the listener what they want.  So why not ASK the listener what they want.  I did that recently on my facebook page.  If interested the comment line is HERE

Morning radio USED to be the way people would start their day.  What happened?  Some stations cut back on talent and added more music.  Some stations got greedy and loaded up on commercials.   Technology has made it possible for the listeners to super serve themselves.  Most everyone has a smart phone.  That means they have access to Pandora and their own iPod.   If the aforementioned can provide the best music without commercial interruption MORE music is not the answer for morning radio.  More music in the morning will only accelerate the demise of that station.

The good news is there is a way to SAVE radio. Content will save radio.  Content cannot be duplicated.  Content is what the listener wants.  It HAS to be good content.  It HAS to be compelling content otherwise it’s just boring talk and the result will be the same;  “people shutting off the radio.”  I truly believe that in five years FM radio will be mostly content.  When I turn on the radio I’ve always want one of three things:  to laugh, to learn something or to be engaged in the conversation.  What listener is going to sit through five minutes of commercials to hear a Lady GaGa song they already have on their iPod.  Ask me to wait five minutes and I’ll learn how to drop ten pounds without exercising and I’ll excuse the commercials.  Getting people to LISTEN to the radio is not that difficult.   We better start listening to the listener or there won’t be any listeners left!

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Every day in our lives we are faced with situations that cause us to make a series of decisions.  Not every decision is an easy one.  Sometimes we make the wrong decision but it seemed like the right one at the time.  I don’t consider myself to be a future Jeopardy finalist but I know that if I am ever asked to make a sex tape…the anwser will be NO FREAKING WAY!

I have these things called mirrors that are in my bathroom…perhaps you are familiar with them.  When I exit my shower I am able to view myself as God created me.  I think God probably looks down and says “I gave ya a fair shot.  What the hell did you do when I was gone?”  Now even if I were fresh off a cover shoot for Men’s Health there are three reasons making a sex tape is a bad idea:

1)  WHEN WILL YOU WATCH IT?  Would watching yourself put you in the mood?  How narcissistic is that?  Isn’t there enough choices on Direct TV?  Is this something you throw on before or after Judge Judy?  In my case it would take longer to set up the DVD player than my actual “movie.”

2)  AUDIO:  I need to be delicate with this.  Let’s just say that the sounds that a human makes while in the heat of passion don’t need to be documented.  To “listen” to those sounds outside of that passionate moment is both uncomfortable and disturbing.  I keep my windows closed and TV turned up for a reason.  I don’t need my house surrounded by a SWAT team because the neighbors called complaining about someone torturing a racing horse.

3)  NO ONE WILL SEE IT EXCEPT US:  Put that promise up there with your superior telling you “I’ve got your back.”  You are one drunken fight away from having the other person forwarding it to all your facebook friends.  Even if that never happens you know it will be left in the DVD player one day and you’ll soon be the new local adult film star at your babysitters high school.

So if you ever see your partner pull out that flip-cam and say “C’mon…just this once.”  Do something that makes more sense….like getting a neck tattoo.

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This past Saturday I had a birthday.  I’ve been off the radio since January 19th of this year and I have been reflecting a lot on what I have done with my life to this point and what I plan to do with the rest of it.  It’s been an interesting ride so far and one that continues to teach me something new each day.  In the interest of brevity I have posted five of the most important lessons I have learned in life:

1)  ONLY ONE PERSON BESIDES YOURSELF CARES ABOUT YOUR BEST INTERESTS:   Those people are your parents.  Other than that all bets are off.

2)  YOU’LL GET SCREWED OVER:  We all do.  When times are good things are easy.  The true test of character is when life knocks you to the ground.  What did you learn?  How will you prevent the same mistake?

3)  TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED:  Simple to say but not easy to do.  Especially when you are standing in line with the stomach flu and the 85-year-old lady in front of you is writing a check.

4)  KEEP UP WITH TECHNOLOGY:  If you “settle” you will be passed by.  Remember when you paid $300 for a VCR?  Remember having to stash quarters in case your “pager” went off?  Five years ago everyone had a MySpace page.  Keep up with technology and you’ll increase your value.

5) NEVER GET BEHIND ME IN LINE:  I always pick the wrong one.  I pick the one with the price check, the ribbon runs out on the register, the old man searching for a coupon, etc.  Please just smile and wave and move on.  You’ll thank me later.