DANNY CZEKALINSKI

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If you know me then you know I have always made the comment “I’m gonna sell everything except the Harley, move to Key West, and tend bar.”   The way things are going in this world I’m ready to move there NOW!

Look at the water-color to the left.  It was painted by Senator Dan Patrick of Texas.  He actually said the face of Jesus magically appeared when he tried to correct his painting.  Ever since Chaz Bono has been announced as a contestant on “Dancing With The Stars,” discussion boards have blown up!  “I’m not watching.”  “How did he grow his beard?”  ” Does he FEEL like a man?”  “Look at all the cheese he bought this weekend.”  This is REALLY happening people!

I don’t care if Chaz Bono can grow a beard.  Eat all the cheese ya like.  I don’t worry about what he feels like.  Chaz Bono doesn’t affect which TV show I watch but I would look at his “thing” if he slung it over the shoulder of Tom Bergeron.  Just being honest.

Jesus didn’t “magically appear” on your painting Senator.  You suck as an artist.  Unless you make your living as painter I think we all were pretty much done with water colors by our tenth birthday.  Why not say you think Jesus may have been homosexual since he never married and always hung out with a bunch of guys? THAT makes more sense to me than you claiming his face “magically appeared” when you couldn’t find your Lite Brite and you decided to play with your paint-by-number set.

The Dow Jones is falling and the crazy factor is going off the charts.  Time for me to plan a yard sale!

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For the first time since 1945 America showed zero job growth last month.  We have a tropical storm AND a hurricane that pose threats to our mainland.  We are nine days away from the ten-year anniversary of 9-11.  Please put those and other issues on the back burner because Chaz Bono is SHOWING OFF HIS NEW BEARD!!

I can imagine if my father were alive today and he saw this “story” on the news.  The conversation would probably go like this:

Dad:  Who’s the fat guy?

Me:  That’s Chaz Bono.  Remember the Sonny and Cher show you didn’t like because Sonny had a cheesy mustache?  That’s his daughter that he would pick up and hold during every show.

Dad:  She looks like a man.

Me:  Well technically she is.  She is a transgender, she is now a he, and he can grow a beard.

Dad:  Good for her or him.  Why does anyone give  s**t?

Sadly many people do.  People are threatening NOT to watch Dancing With The Stars because Chaz Bono is a contestant!  That’s insane to me.  I’m gonna watch BECAUSE of Chaz Bono.  I wanna see who has the bigger head; Chaz or Nancy Grace.  I wanna hear Chaz talk to Tom Bergeron.  Will he sound like Bowzer from ShaNaNa?  I wanna see if he keeps the beard and decides to become Amish.

Pick your battles America.  Chaz Bono is NOT one of them.  Have a  great and safe weekend!  🙂

 

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Labor Day weekend is upon us.  I can’t help thinking about those Labor Day weekends when I was a kid.  We would sit on a picnic table that dad built (every spring and fall he would coat it with Linseed oil to preserve the wood) and eat non-stop with friends and family.

Mom would make sure there was a table-cloth on the picnic table because that’s just the way it was done.  The potato salad would only be out for eight minutes because it can’t sit in direct sunlight or we all would end up in the hospital.  Mom’s steak had to be “extra well-done” because if blood comes out that means the meat is not cooked and you logically will develop worms.

After eating and drinking too much all the guys would play jarts.   This game was played in the backyard and was a combination of darts and horseshoes.  The “jart” actually resembled something used in modern warfare.  It was a flying projectile with a sharp metal point.  In 1988 this “game” was eventually banned because it resulted in“multiple deaths.”  THIS was the game being played in my backyard. Did I mention most of the players held “jart” in one hand and alcoholic beverage in the other.  If the potato salad or worms didn’t get me then the damn Jart would!

Here is hoping YOU create great memories this Labor Day weekend!.

 

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Every now and then something comes along and I just don’t understand the popularity and appeal it has to others.  Mixed Martial Arts is one of those stumbling blocks.

It’s much more violent than boxing and it’s what I imagine prison rape might resemble.  For someone who has never see seen MMA I would suggest take boxing, add some wrestling, and top it off with that volleyball scene from the movie “Top Gun.”  THAT is MMA!

In order to get an opponent to “tap out” it seems you must “tea-bag” him until he is nearly asphyxiated.  I’d want out of the match as well if I was choking on a scrotum that resembled a five-pound sack of Vidalia onions.  “Sack out ref!!!  Sack out!!!”

Crazy tattoos, lots of blood, lots of violence, lots of yelling, lots of finger-pointing, lots of overcompensation happening here if you ask me.  I say lose the double earrings, put on a t-shirt that actually FITS, grab your opponent and spend the day antiquing.  You know ya want to!  🙂

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First of all ladies it’s NOT just another video game.  This is Madden.  This is where us men can actually live out the unfulfilled fantasies of our teen-age years.  Today Madden 2012 is released.  For many of us this day should be declared a legal holiday.

Don’t tell me I’m NOT on the team.  I can create a player with my face and name, give him unbelievable abilities, and become the MVP of the NFL.  If you are lucky I will grant you an interview in the kitchen after I empty the dishwasher.

Don’t tell me it’s not any different from Tetris or Mrs. Pacman.  I will single-handedly take the Cleveland Browns to another Super Bowl victory this year.  If the outcome is in doubt I will do what I always do….hit “reset” and start all over until I win.

Don’t tell me I look ridiculous with my headset on talking trash to a bunch of twelve-year olds in Harrisburg I’m playing on-line.  They are calling me out and I will rub their pre-pubescent faces into the Madden turf before their mother yells at them to “come upstairs and go to bed.”

This is NOT your ordinary video game.  This is REAL.  I really am a grown man.  Really…..seriously….well at least I think I am.  🙂

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Awards shows are a great diversion from the stress of every day life.  The Music Video Awards were last night and I am AMAZED at the top trending topics TODAY.  Most have to do with the VMA’s!  Let’s look at these “pressing issues” in context:

Don’t ya love Bieber in glasses?  OMG Chris Brown is lip-synching!  Did they dig up Amy Winehouse to play guitar with Ralph Macchio?  OMG that’s NOT Ralph Macchio…it’s Lady Ga Ga!!   That’s Brian May and NOT Amy Winehouse?  Queen?  Who is Queen?  Why is Beyonce looking like she lost her burka?  OMG she’s pregnant and NO ONE KNEW!!  Will Kayne ever run on stage this year and save us from this boredom?

I’m probably a bigger pop culture fan than most but this country has bigger problems than if David Arquette really is gonna be in the next cast of Dancing With The Stars.  I think it’s time we showed the passion we place on our diversions in our passion in helping others and fixing the problems that face this country

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I’m not sure if its something in the water here in Florida or all the stupid people in the world got a memo and were told to move here but the Stooge routine continues.  Once again Jesus has returned.  Once again it is here in Florida.  Once again He has chosen to make his return in a pile of wood.  This time its in Jensen Beach in a set of wooden dock pilings.  STORY HERE

What about the Jesus that returns in a waffle you ask?  False prophets you non-believers.  Didn’t you see the verse in Revelation where the Son of Man will only return in a tree knot, a two by four or piece of plywood?

Let’s just say I’m having coffee on my porch and I look at my palm tree.  Let’s say I find a part of the tree that looks like a member of ZZ Top or the Messiah.  I may chuckle and put a little Jameson in my next cup but the last thing I’m gonna do is pick up the phone and call a TV station.  “Hello TV 25?  Jesus is here in my fantail palm tree.  Send the perky blonde reporter right out of college that won’t laugh in my face and ask how long I’ve been an idiot.  Thanks!!!!”

Look people…stop looking for Jesus in trees….you’re wasting your time and missing the Loch Ness Monster swimming in your lake!

 

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I’m not sure if this is something indigenous to South Florida but it seems that at EVERY street corner there is a guy spinning a sign.  If I want a sub sandwich I pretty much know where I am going to go and pretty much know what I want on it.  If some guy with a Subway sign is bouncing it off his body like Medowlark Lemon that’s not gonna affect my thought process if I desire a sandwich or not.  Aren’t you actually AFRAID of the person that reacts to this type of marketing?

Be the husband that comes home and says “Honey..sorry I’m late.  I saw a guy spinning a sign for ‘Commander Place’ so I signed a one year lease on a two bedroom.  He was such an impressive spinner.  Tell the kids.”  Do ya wanna be married to this master of his own free will?

I can only imagine what my father would think of these sign spinners if he were alive today.  This is a man who bought an issue of Consumer Reports to decide if he should subscribe to Consumer Reports.  When he purchased a new washing machine it took twenty hours of research at his workbench in the basement.  He came upstairs like Grandpa Munster confident that his selection of the Maytag was the best (it ALWAYS was the Maytag with him).  Sign Spinners???  He would laugh, look at me and say “Twenty points!  Thirty if when I run him over he still is holding the sign.”  Of course before we pulled in the drive he would add the following; “Don’t tell your mother!!!”   In the meantime I’ll try to ignore these distractions of society but if the scoring system increases to fifty points…I just might play Dad’s game!

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EVERY time there is a hurricane out come the weather asshats.  Irene is quickly becoming a Category 4 storm and I can already see the geeks at the weather channel licking their chops.

Jim Cantore has made a living off tethering himself to a flagpole, standing on the beach in 100 mph winds, wearing an “old man by the sea” rain coat, and attempting to walk into the wind.  This makes about as much sense as a pay toilet in a diarrhea war.  Even in prehistoric times we could count on the cave man to drag his knuckles towards shelter when a thunderstorm was approaching so just what the hell is Jim Cantore doing?

I can see Jim Cantore right now boarding a plane to Charleston thinking to himself “Man..it’s been a long time since I walked into hurricane force wins.  This time I might do it holding a nine-iron.  GAME ON!”  Well think of it this way, Gilligan:  People live in these places.  Will you be there handing out water and ice to the thousands that have no power and had part of their lives destroyed?  No…you’ll be back at the Weather Channel waiting for the next tropical system to play in.

I hope Irene skirts the Carolinas but if not I’ll be cheering for that big gust of wind to suck those weather geeks off the teather pole and into the ocean.  It’ll make for a hell of a promo!