Entertainment

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EVERY time there is a hurricane out come the weather asshats.  Irene is quickly becoming a Category 4 storm and I can already see the geeks at the weather channel licking their chops.

Jim Cantore has made a living off tethering himself to a flagpole, standing on the beach in 100 mph winds, wearing an “old man by the sea” rain coat, and attempting to walk into the wind.  This makes about as much sense as a pay toilet in a diarrhea war.  Even in prehistoric times we could count on the cave man to drag his knuckles towards shelter when a thunderstorm was approaching so just what the hell is Jim Cantore doing?

I can see Jim Cantore right now boarding a plane to Charleston thinking to himself “Man..it’s been a long time since I walked into hurricane force wins.  This time I might do it holding a nine-iron.  GAME ON!”  Well think of it this way, Gilligan:  People live in these places.  Will you be there handing out water and ice to the thousands that have no power and had part of their lives destroyed?  No…you’ll be back at the Weather Channel waiting for the next tropical system to play in.

I hope Irene skirts the Carolinas but if not I’ll be cheering for that big gust of wind to suck those weather geeks off the teather pole and into the ocean.  It’ll make for a hell of a promo!

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Let me start by apologizing for not posting in a month.  I had a severe respiratory infection that left me on my back for five weeks and without a voice for three weeks.  With that out of the way let’s talk about the first day of school.

My mother dressed me with one purpose in mind:  Make sure my son gets his ass kicked on the playground.  I looked like a game show host at the age of five.  I had Florsheim shoes, knit slacks that were cuffed, an undershirt and a button down collared shirt.  I dressed better at five than I do now.

Mrs. Munson was my kindergarten teacher at Zellars Elementary.  They had all kinds of cool toys to choose from.  I chose a seven piece puzzle.  David Lurkey also wanted the puzzle I chose and he tried to take it from me.  I handled it like any five-year old would–I punched that little p##ck in the nose.  David Lurkey had cool clothes.  The girls liked David Lurkey.  That’s all fine and good but little David Lurkey got knocked out by a five-year old wanna-be “Match Game” host who wasn’t gonna let go of his puzzle.  See if YOUR mom can get blood out of your cool clothes like my mom can repair a hole in my nerdy knit slacks.

That was a long time ago but not much has changed.  I still dress like s**t, I am surrounded by a bunch of “David Lurkey’s here in South Florida but I also promise you this.  Try to take what is mine….and I will react the same way.  Sorry Mrs. Munson…it’s just the way I am.  🙂

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On Sunday it seemed EVERYONE was watching the Women’s World Cup finale.  My Twitter was blowing up.  The ratings eventually showed a HUGE share.  Japan won in a shoot out and then all the tweets and comments changed.  “Be proud of the ladies.”  “At least we got there.”  “Can’t win em all.”  What type of half assed thinking is this???

Team USA choked.  They blew it.  They didn’t show up.  Any of the previous three statements describes what happened.  Team USA was ranked number one in the world.  They hadn’t lost to Japan in the previous twenty-five meetings. It WAS David versus Goliath.  For some reason Team USA wasn’t mentally prepared to win.  Maybe they thought since Brazil was eliminated they could just coast through their game with Japan, not break a sweat, and negotiate their endorsement deals on the plane.

There is a lesson here in this national embarrassment.  Never take your competition lightly.  If you think anything BUT your best effort is acceptable then one day you will meet someone will less talent and they will emerge victorious.  Look no further than what happened to Team USA to support that!

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Everyone is sooooooooooooo shocked that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting a divorce.  The divorce rate is just over fifty percent.    That hardly constitutes “breaking news.”

People are actually sending death threats to Casey Anthony’s parents and law enforcement officials are concerned about the safety of Casey Anthony when she gets released tomorrow.  Casey Anthony and her parents did nothing to you….death threats and physically assaulting someone are serious crimes…why would you consider committing these crimes against someone you don’t know?

Hines Ward got arrested for suspicion of DUI last week.  Professional athletes have a surplus of money.  If you are going out drinking for an evening why not take a cab or a limo?

Standing in line at the grocery store I saw a magazine cover that had a few “Teen Mom’s” on the cover and a “Real Housewife.”  Has society plunged so deeply into a cesspool of insignificance that this REALLY sells magazines?

I see more and more people standing on busy street corners spinning and holding signs.  This has ZERO effect on if I wanna buy a sub at Quiznos or turn in my unused gold for cash.

Sitting at a red light the other day I saw a man talking on a pay phone while sitting on a box that sells newspapers.  I thought to myself “Maybe this guy actually thinks it’s 1985.”

A pick up truck in front of me had this sticker on it’s back window “In Memorium of Jack _____  5-3-62 to 7-10-10.”  I wondered if he was looking down on that truck and feeling proud that his memory was next to a Confederate flag and a sticker of Calvin peeing on a Ford logo.

Yes people….I think stupidity is contagious….and it’s rapidly spreading.  Have a great weekend!

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Just the image of Nancy Grace sets off emotion in people.  There is no grey area with her.  I’ll be honest….I’m not a fan or hers but I respect how she has branded herself.  If you ever are in public and a screaming match breaks out……stick around…there is a pretty good chance Nancy Grace will show up.  The recipe is quite simple:  Take some Jerry Springer, a dash of Larry King, sprinkle a small amount of Meet The Press, focus on a missing, cute, white girl, take calls that only agree with you, and scream at people on your panel.

I actually lay awake at night fearing that Susan Moss (her number one screaming panelist) will gnaw her way through my dry wall and devour my foot like a malnourished komodo dragon.  If I acted as a kid like these panelists do on her show, I would have been sent to my room without dinner.  Nancy Grace tries to pull her act at my parent’s dinner table then mom is getting the wooden spoon and dad is loosening his belt.

Just when ya think her head will spin around and pea soup will be forced from her trachea she takes a call about her twin girls.  A “random caller” (really?  we all know they are set up) asks Nancy “Ooooooo Nancy….how ARE the little ones?”  Suddenly Nancy’s face morphs into this sweet, serene look and she coos, “Bless you.  My babies are my anchor.  My strength.  The reason I breathe.”  That’s great Nancy…aren’t they sixteen now?  Maybe one of them is engaged to Hef.  It’s not like they just came home from the NICU.  Again, Nancy KNOWS how to play it.  She KNOWS how to play YOU.

Nancy Grace just had her highest ratings EVER last month.  Like her or hate her you KNOW her.  For today…that’s all I have….Good night friend.  🙂

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My view on things has always been a bit distorted.  That’s just the way I am.  Having said that I offer five things I am confused about on this day that we celebrate the Fourth of July.

1) CHOOSE YOUR LANGUAGE:  Whether it be at the ATM or calling an automated switchboard we are prompted with this decision.  If I were visiting embassy row I would understand.  Shouldn’t those that DON’T speak english be inconvenienced?

2) SALUTE THE TROOPS:  Many men and women have given their lives for this country.  Why do we ignore them when they return from duty?  I believe they deserve a bit more than a parade once a year.

3) GO TO JAIL FOR WHAT GROWS NATURALLY:  It’s okay for America to be hooked on prescription drugs because pharmaceutical companies contribute to campaign election funds.  If Pfizer could patent dirt, sun and fertilizer they would!

4)  DON’T PULL THE MAN WEARING THE TURBAN AND HOLDING THE KORAN OUT OF THE SECURITY LINE!:  If a bunch of tall, balding Pollocks hijacked planes and flew them into the World Trade Center I would budget an extra fifteen minutes for me to get through airport security.  I understand the law of averages game.  Instead we search the soiled diaper of a 95 year old woman? 

5)  TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE!  Our fore fathers made sure that this land is our land….after we barbarically came here and took it from the Native Americans.  Hmmmm….good thing they didn’t tell Paul Revere that or perhaps he wouldn’t have saddled up the horse.

So now it’s time for me to light a sparkler made in China, sit down on a plastic chair made in Korea, and drink a cold German beer to celebrate our “independence.”  Seriously….Happy Fourth of July.  🙂

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As we all know NBC’s Chris Hanson has allegedly been caught cheating on his wife.  Why is this front page news? The divorce rate is 50% and I think we all know a few people cheating on their spouses.  It is because of what Chris is KNOWN FOR that the media has made this into a story.

Chris has busted quite a few sickos during his time as host of “To Catch a Predator.”  If this story is true then what happened, although morally wrong, happened between two consenting adults.  Chris didn’t show up at a Chuck E Cheese with a roll of quarters in his speedo, a squirt gun and a box of condoms.  We don’t know what’s going on inside his house so I think this is between he and his wife.

Now what about “the other woman?”  Her name is Kristyn Caddel and she is a reporter at the NBC affiliate here in West Palm Beach.  I’ve lived and worked in the media here in West Palm since 2004 and this is the first time I heard her name.  She’s taking quite a beating in the blogs and I almost feel sorry for her.  I say “almost” because she is gonna benefit in the long run.  Jessica Hahn, Rachel Uchitel, OctoMom, Amy Fischer….the list of people who have found fame through pop culture is endless.  Call it sleazy but we, as consumers, have created this monster.

I think about Hansen’s opening line.  Was it “Ever watch TV?  Ever watch Dateline?” What were their trysts like?  Did he tape them with a hidden camera?  What did Kristyn say when that guy with the headset and giant boom microphone came out of the hallway closet?

See how easy it is?  I’m part of the problem instead of part of the solution.  I need to get MY name out there.  I’m off to ring Mary Jo Buttafuoco’s doorbell.

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What the hell has happened to our country?  No one speaks the truth anymore.  Everyone is afraid of offending someone.  How can we effectively communicate with one another when we are not being completely honest?  Opinions are just the thoughts of an individual.  They are similar to feelings.  To that particular individual they CAN’T be wrong.  We don’t have to agree with one another but let’s at least cut the bulls**t and be honest.  I’m gonna list five topics and give you my honest opinion on each.  Perhaps this will get the honesty ball rolling.

1) KIM KARDASHIAN:  She got famous for what she put IN her mouth as opposed to the nonsense that comes out of her mouth.  She’ll never get married to this basketball player and she has a fat ass.  Because of her massive Twitter following she IS influencial.  God help us.

2) PRESIDENT OBAMA:  He’s a great speaker but so was my priest back in Cleveland and my priest would have no business being President.  I wish he’d just admit he talked his way into office and not run in 2012.  Give me a guy with a stuttering problem and a crappy wardrobe as long as he can rescue a business.  America IS a business and it’s a business in BIG trouble.

3)  AFFIRMATIVE ACTION:  This is a joke and it’s racist.  Hire the best person for the job.  It really is that simple.  Imagine applying affirmative action to the NBA.  Does THAT put it in perspective for you?

4)  BI-LINGUAL SOCIETY:  This is crap.  We are in America and you speak English.  Don’t make me push a special button at the ATM to receive instructions in English.  I am a HUGE proponent of tradition.  Speak your native language inside your home but learn english like my great grand parents had to do.

5)  CORPORAL PUNISHMENT:  Smack away.  I didn’t say abuse I said smack.  No one knows what “hot” really is until you put your hand on the stove.  You say “no” to me and I still think it’s a “maybe.”  Pull out the strap or wooden spoon and put that to use and I understand the meaning of the word “no.”

There ya go.  My thoughts may not be popular but at least you know how I feel.  Will YOU be honest today?

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Gay marriage is now legal in the state of New York.  I don’t understand what took so long.  Why was it illegal in the first place?  There is something not quite right with laws put into place that prevent love and happiness.  If two consenting adults want their union recognized what is the big deal and who are the lawmakers to judge.  If they were soooooo bright then they would have refused to issue ME a marriage license for BOTH of my ex-wives.

The religious right will obviously be against this but the religious right has a knack of picking out only the verses in the bible that support THEIR cause.  Read the entire bible…Matthew 7:1  “Judge not, that you be not judged.”  Just because you go the church every Sunday DOESN’T mean you are a good person.  I once worked for someone that was active in their church and there is no doubt in my mind that this person has Satan on their speed dial.

I also say to the gay population “Be careful what you ask for.”  Us breeders have a divorce rate right now of about fifty percent.  Two gay guys fighting over their IKEA furniture and Banana Republic sweater collection is not something one can get over by drinking some sparking water and having a sorbet.  Marriage is tough and it takes a lot of work and a lot of maintenance.  There is enough hate and anger in this world.  I say any chance we have to celebrate “love”, make me part of that toast!