Current Events

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It was a tough week for Herman Cain but did it HAVE to be?  When you run for President everyone is concerned about what you did in the past that has nothing to do with your ability to run the country.  It’s always been that way.  Somehow we believe that if we elect someone without a checkered past then that insures economic and personal growth.   A few years ago Cain was accused of sexual harassment.  Allegedly one of those victims received a check for $45,000.  All of a sudden Cain has developed amnesia about these allegations/events.  He doesn’t recall the incident and he doesn’t remember writing a check.  C’mon Herman.  Big balls made you a success, man up and show them now.  All he has to do is say : “There were allegations that were addressed.  That’s in the past and has been dealt with.  I choose to focus on the problems of the NOW.” 

Are we really concerned about “character” in the White House?  Thomas Jefferson knocked up one of his slaves, ten years before Grover Cleveland became President he knocked up a store clerk, Warren Harding paid a mistress $20K in hush money, JFK basically turned the White House into the grotto at the Playboy Club, and Bill Clinton made us aware that a “hummer” doesn’t necessarily refer to a military transport vehicle.   Why are we afraid to embrace our past?  You can’t enjoy success unless you have experienced defeat.  You can’t climb unless you fall.  The key is to LEARN from your past and not repeat mistakes in the future.  This country is in trouble and we NEED someone who can get us out of it.  Cain just might be the guy but we’re worried that if he gets elected he’ll wanna hang the Presidential Seal from his scrotum.  The guy is even catching hell from the press because his wife has been absent on the campaign trail.  HE is the one running people!

I won’t vote for anyone that doesn’t have a skeleton in their past.  I also won’t vote for anyone that doesn’t learn from their mistakes. My late father gave me some great advice.  He said “Always be aware of what your biggest weakness is.”  If you are confident in who you are and where you are going that should be an easy answer and a beneficial one as well.  Once we address that weakness it will only makes us stronger.

 

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If you’re gonna play in the adult world then ya better get ready for adult problems.  Justin Bieber is just seventeen years old.  He sells out twenty thousand seat venues across the world, is recognized everywhere he goes and has enough money to never have to work another day in his life.  Allegedly he shared some of his “teen-seed” with a groupie backstage in San Diego, has a three-month old baby by this princess, and she’s suing for paternity.  WOW!

When I was seventeen there wasn’t a posse’ of estrogen circling the wagons at my house.  I was making beer bongs in my basement.  I didn’t have screaming girls throwing themselves at me, rather, it was the polar opposite:  I approach girls and they leave screaming.  I really didn’t need supervision or advice about sex because there were no willing participants of the required gender to create such a compromising situation.  I do remember my father giving me some rather prehistoric advice:  “Don’t soak it too long.”  I’m not kidding.  Suddenly my mission statement down the road to the discovery of my own sexuality paralleled a Palmolive Dish Soap commercial campaign.

Justin Bieber makes a lot of money for a lot of people.  He knocks up some groupie and that cash cow is gonna dry up FAST.  The brand is tarnished.  The image is ruined.  He has no choice but to go Country!  With SO much money on the line there is NO WAY this kid was left to put himself in such a situation.  But did BIEBER tell his “people” to back off? Did he say he wanted his 30 seconds of private romance in a backstage bathroom?  He has to know he is the reason, he is the vortex and he is the brand.  You could see where the “adults” would bow to the child.

Bottom line:  money doesn’t buy knowledge and at seventeen you need supervision.  Side-bar to Bieber:  Be proud of those thirty seconds.  At seventeen…..that makes you the mayor!

 

 

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These are trying times.  The upcoming 2012 election may be one of the most important  in the history of our nation.  So what the HELL was Governor Rick Perry thinking when he showed up hammered last Friday night at a fund-raiser?  Check out the video HERE.

We all screw up but this guy actually thought he could fake his way through the speech.  He looked like Richard Dawson the host of the old Family Feud.  Dawson would get so hammered during tapings that he practically was sticking his tongue down the trachea of every female contestant on the show.  I’m surprised Perry didn’t stop in the middle of his speech and say “100 people surveyed..top three answers on the board…’What does my breath smell like?’  SHOW ME SCOTCH!”

You know his “people” told him “Don’t go out there yet, Rick.”  But noooooooo!  I imagine he said “Look.  I’m the Governor already.  I’m a front-runner for the GOP nomination.  No ones gonna tell this cowboy when he’s gonna ride!”  I feel sorry for the staff member he said this to because I am sure that person was sandblasted by his septic saliva.  You can feel the tension in the room based on the nervous laughter.  Its like being at a charity fund-raiser.  If you donate a ton of money you could dry-hump the chandelier in the ballroom and people would say you were being “clever.”

Take the show business out of politics.  Imagine if the Governor said this; “Wow! I’m pretty bombed.  I’m gonna sit down before I make a real ass out of myself.  Don’t drink and drive.”  MADD loves ya.  Ya get to run back to the bar and top off and you just injected HONESTY into the campaign!  I’ll tell ya this much; if they ever bring beer pong into the debates I know who my money is on!

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Our national nightmare is over.  Our borders are now secure.  Steven  Segal has become a legitimate border sheriff in Texas!  I first thought this was a publicity stunt for his show on A & E “Lawman.”  This is where Segal rides in a police car and says in between bites of his fast-food burger “There he is” and “Let’s get him.”    This is no publicity stunt America.  Steven Segal is guarding our borders!!

This would have been a bolt of fear for southern immigrants had it been 1988.  This is not your 1988 Steven Segal.  This is your 2011 Steven Segal.  Still confused?  Think when we were choosing the Elvis stamp.  We had the “young Elvis” and the “Fat Elvis.”  Gravity has not been kind to Segal.  How is he gonna protect the borders?  The only Mexican I have faith in him catching is a quesadilla smothered in shredded cheese.  We can try not feeding Segal for a few days in the hopes that would-be illegals would stay south for  fear of actually being eaten by the former star of Under Siege.   We could build a tree stand for him to stand guard every night.  Imagine a group of ten trying to cross into our sacred land.  Segal pounces from his tree stand and all would be apprehended.  Assuming of course his land doesn’t lie on a fault line or thousands may perishes and we could suffer after shocks for weeks.

Perhaps the only option having Steven Segal successfully guard our borders is to have him just lie down in his backyard.  The prospect of scaling his massive stomach will surely discourage even the most experienced mountain climber.  Once we get into winter we could have kids from  church groups bussed in to ski off his massive girth.  If he lays down (and from the looks of it I think he does—a lot) I’m sure his navel would get a powdery base by mid-December.

Take a deep breath America, no need to doublecheck all the dead-bolts, maybe even sleep with a window cracked this weekend.  We all are a little safer thanks to Steven Segal!

 

 

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Over the weekend I read a story about the New York Mets allegedly having a porn room inside their clubhouse at old Shea Stadium.  I’m a fairly twisted guy but I have a hard time understanding the appeal of a “porn room.”  I can honestly say I don’t own a porn magazine, DVD, crazy lotion or silly rubber toy.  I live alone.  I know my luck.  I don’t need my mother stopping over and finding me dead on the couch, wearing a satin turban, holding a rubber rattle, a tube of Super Slide stuck to the dog, holding a copy of “Tight Sweater” magazine while the DVD menu for “Rambo–Ohh-Ohh” is frozen on the big screen.  My mother has suffered enough.  She doesn’t need that vision carved into her soul as she awaits her meeting with St. Peter. 

A “porn room?”  Really??  I can never imagine saying to one of my friends “Wow!  Two great games back to back.  What do ya say we order a pizza and you pick out a porno for us to watch.”  There is something really creepy about more than one guy watching porn.  It falls into the category of a guy going to a tattoo parlor and getting a tramp stamp.  You COULD do it but why WOULD you?

Imagine saying this to your wife guys, “Hey Honey.  I’m gonna take that treadmill out of the back room and drop it off at Goodwill.  I figure that’s a perfect place for our porn room.”  Cancel that trip to Home Depot there Bob Villa.  You know she’ll surround you like a cluster from Bob’s Barricades.  You’ll be in trouble for even MENTIONING something as a porn room.  Suddenly your trip to Home Depot went from getting some sheets of dry wall and a flat screen mounting bracket to thirty bags of mulch, several flats of flowers and a sun-dial.

It’s hard enough for me to explain baseball to some females.  A porn-room seriously reduces the sports credibility.   So I  ask baseball to focus on the basics.  Go back to spitting and grabbing yourselves.

 

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If schools follow the example being set in the United Kingdom soon it will be wrong to raise your hand in the classroom.  The thought process here is it will create a calmer classroom. Instead of hand-raising, students are encouraged to show a “thumbs-up” with one hand and cup it with the other.   I don’t know what happens in the United Kingdom but hand raising never made me nervous.  I used to sit in class and have the school bully, reeking of Marlboro smoke at the age of thirteen, whisper in my ear that in less than two hours he was gonna knock my teeth out.  Raising my hand was the only way I could summon the attention of the teacher so she could notify my mother to take the afternoon off from work so I could have my face stitched back together.

Can we even get through our day as an adult without raising our hand?  Try getting the attention of a cabbie in New York by giving him the “thumbs up.”   My luck he’d be nearsighted, think I just flipped him off, pull his cab to the curb and knock my teeth out all because I was trying to create a “calmer environment.”

Heaven forbid you’re ever in a situation involving a firearm and an attempted robbery.  Chances are the bad man with the gun is gonna want you to put your hands up.  Imagine if you ignored his suggestion because you wanted to defuse the situation by creating a “calmer environment” and ya cupped one hand giving the thumbs up.  Your Island of Zen will instantly turn into a CSI opening.  Cut to David Caruso standing over your corpse saying  “Now it’s time for us to give HIM a hand.”  Sunglasses on…cue Who song.

People need to stop focusing on such trivial things because before ya know it there will be lawsuits to ban the Pledge of Allegiance.    🙂

 

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Hank Williams Junior is being punished for being honest.  As children we were always taught “honesty is the best policy” but now you should probably add “unless you are talking to the media.”  ESPN has decided to pull the Monday Night Football theme song that Williams has performed at the beginning of the telecast since 1991 because he compared our President to Hitler.   Yes Hank Williams Jr. is being punished for speaking his mind. 

Take a look at Hank.  I know.  We are doing a bit of profiling here but let’s be freaking honest!   I see beer, trucks, barbed-wire fence, bonfire, guns, girls in Daisy Dukes…is thyat enough for ya?   Does Hank look like a guy that’s gonna support ANY Democrat?   Let’s talk about what Hank DIDN’T say.  He never said the President was a dictator.  He never said the President was responsible for the deaths of innocent people.  He made a COMPARISON of the President and Speaker of the House John Bohener playing golf being like “Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu.”  That’s ALL he said.  It was a brain fart.  It was a mistake but it wasn’t malicious.  If you are EVER in front of a TV camera NEVER mention Hitler.  There’s a reason there isn’t a Hitler comic book or Halloween costume.

So we don’t like what people say and respond by banning things they have done?  We punish people for the right that others have fought to protect?  We are going backwards instead of forwards.  I wish America had the passion for politics of Hank Williams Jr.  I would feel confident that everyone casting a vote really understood the candidates and the issues.  Did I also mention that Hank Williams Jr. has since apologized for what he said?  Click HERE  Johnny Depp compared having his picture taken with being raped!  I find that comparison to be much more offensive than what Hank Williams Jr. said but I’m not gonna stop seeing his films until his films start to suck. 

People are becoming afraid of speaking what they think.  We are taking away our OWN freedom of speech.   Just like you never should be afraid of failure you should never be afraid of speaking your mind.  Now if you’ll excuse me…I have a tee time with Mussolini.

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An ice cream shop in Ocala, FL has been accused of racism because some believe a guy standing by the street dressed as an ice cream cone resembles a Klan member.  Read story HERE.  Sadly racism still exists in this country but is this really the face and outfit that touts white supremacy?

I have never attended a Klan rally and that’s something that isn’t on my bucket list but I think I can safely say that this man is not promoting a cross burning.  Looking at the picture I would say this is a man trying to make a few bucks dressed as a sugar cone.  Based on the waist-line of Al Sharpton I think its safe to assume he and other civil rights activists support the consumption of sugar cones on a regular basis.  So where is the controversy???

Is it in the promotion of selecting “vanilla” as a flavor of choice? I think we are on to something.   Adding a few sprinkles to the top of a vanilla cone does not make it multi-cultural so surely you understand the outrage.  I’m a chocolate guy.  I’m also a man of conviction.  I don’t care if a man stands on a street corner dressed as a Grand Wizard with sprinkles on his head I will not be intimidated to order a vanilla cone.  I like chocolate and nothing is gonna make me change my order in the custard line!  We must stop this ridiculous mind-set that all people must order vanilla.  Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry…it doesn’t matter.  No matter what the color it’s all the same on the inside.  It’s still ICE CREAM!!!

I have to go.  I think the “Hamburglar” is in my driveway trying to hot-wire my car.

 

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Have ya heard that the sky is REALLY falling?  Within the next 24 hours twenty-six pieces of space junk will fall to earth.  Space junk?  Sounds like something an astronaut would pull out of his suit after too many patrons.  NASA tells us that the chance of any one person getting hit with debris is 1 in 3,200.  The heaviest piece of debris will weigh 348 pounds.  I’m not sure how YOUR luck in life has been but after reading this I am fully expecting  to get crushed by the weight of an NFL lineman within the next day.

So ya get pummelled by a piece of space junk.  What is your next move?  This is America so we sue.  Who ya gonna sue the government?  The government is broke and in huge debt so even if ya win your case you’re not gonna collect.   Our government only has disposable cash for foreign interests.  With these obstacles in mind I have come up with a solution my friends!!!!

 Befriend an illegal alien and make sure they don’t leave your side for the next 24 hours.  You can usually find one in the parking lot of a Home Depot in the early morning hours or reporting for housekeeping duties at the home of one of our elected officials.  Stay close to him or her as some of these pieces of space junk are small enough that they will only take out one person.  I plan on carrying mine on my back like a pappoose.  It may be difficult to manuever for a day but  that’s the price you have to pay to protect your rights as an American.  If by chance you and Jose get wiped out by some space junk then your family will be sure to collect because you were collateral damage in our inadvertent attack on a foreign country.

Ya gotta be thinking in today’s world.  Now to put on my football helmet and go for a run!!!