Current Events

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Take a look at the items to the left.  Do you know what they are?  At first it looks like those water rockets you would play with as a kid but that is FAAAAAR from the truth.  This apparatus is called a Post-T-Vac.  When I hear that term I think of a vacuum cleaner that sweeps up unwanted post-it notes.  Wrong you are again Robin.  Lately I have been suffering from insomnia so that means I am exposed to a lot of infomercials for late night TV.  The other night I saw the infomercial for the Post-T-Vac.  I found a two-minute video that pretty much explains its purpose.  Click HERE.

Yup….this thing and its accoutrements are to be put on your male member.  It promises to show results in four minutes.  There is NO WAY I’m putting my manhood in this salad shredder.  Did you look at the commercial?  Who ARE these people.  I PRAY these guys have erectile dysfunction because there is no way we want these couples procreating unless we wanna go back to Darwin’s waiting room.

They also say that the Post-T-Vac is covered by insurance.  Really?  You wanna make that call to Blue Cross?  “Hello Blue Cross??  Dick Limpy here.  I need you guys to fork over some cash so I can stuff my over cooked noodle in a small vacuum cleaner.  Hello?  Hello??”  They also claim it’s “clinically proven.”  I know times are tough but I don’t wanna be working in THAT clinic.  These dudes coming in sticking their magic sticks inside a sucking beaker until they get it right?  Show me how the guys that were part of that study are walking today.  I bet they look like a pirate looking for his parrot.

They also promise that it’s “delivered discretely” and it’s “100% guaranteed.”  Well good God I would hope so.  I don’t need my Fed Ex guy ringing the doorbell, asking me to sign for my package and saying “Use this pen because it’s probably the only hard thing you’ll put in your hand for awhile.”  About that 100% guarantee.  Do you really wanna be working in the mail room when the returns come in?  That job may actually be worse than when they conducted the “clinical study.”

I could say more but I need to do my “Total Insanity” workout and put some “Wen” in my hair.

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I have dated a lot of women and I always make the wrong decision.  I stay with the ones I shouldn’t and I screw up the ones I should have stayed with.  I’m the first one to admit that I have my issues and I’ll never get that second call back to be on the cover of Men’s Fitness but if there were a prize for dating Looney-Tunes I would be on the top podium, receiving a gold medal, while they played the Star-Spangled Banner.

Think this is just in my head?  Here are some of the highlights of the people I have spent time with in the past ten years:  One was afraid to leave the house, one threw a soup can at me, one had to sleep with ALL the lights on and hold her baby blanket, one slept with one of my friends, one drank a bottle of wine every night, one had fourteen felony convictions for prescription fraud and tried to frame me with the police, one asked me to stick a beach towel in a co-workers gas tank and set it on fire and one actually thought PEARL HARBOR was in BOSTON!

I am considering an advisory council like they had in Flashdance.  Three people sitting at a table and observing what the potential date has to offer.  I feel between those three they would be able to find any existing red flags that I am obviously immune to.  That’s a great idea if ya look like Brad Pitt but at this point in my life I’m a cross between Michael Chicklas and an ass with eyes.  If a female packs my groceries at the supermarket I feel like I have game.

So the logical conclusion for me in 2012 is NO DATING AT ALL.  I doubt this becomes a trending topic on Twitter but its something I need to do.  On the upside….my right arm should become much bigger.


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I laugh when women say “He and I are JUST friends.  Men and women can be just friends.”  Women think like that because they think like women and think that men can distinguish between being a friend and being someone  they take off their clothes with and do adult things.  Ladies, let me allow you a look behind the curtain of Oz.  WE CAN’T!  Gay guys are probably the reason for the assumption that all guys can be “just friends” because gay guys really do wanna be your friend (and discuss fashion).  When straight guys are sitting across from you as you share a story about your best friends relationship problems and he nods his head appearing to understand and be interested in what you are saying he ACTUALLY is wondering what you would look like in the morning wearing one of his tee-shirts while you made him breakfast.

The truth is if it weren’t for the sex I really think that guys would always hang out with guys.  Think about it.  It’s a big deal to have a “night out with the boys.”   We drink beer, watch sports, talk about sports, talk about drinking beer, drink too much beer, talk about how we COULD have played in the NFL, etc.  Guys are a different breed.  We basically are still cavemen that went to charm school.  If you’re “guy friend” meets ya out for drinks at happy hour just know you actually are sitting across from “Thor” who would love to drag you by your hair back to his cave to do the prehistoric tango!

Some of you ladies may actually bring this blog to the attention of your man to question its validity.  He’ll read it and fume inside because a member of his gender would DARE to reveal the truth but I can tell ya what he’ll say right now:  “Honey, that may be how the REST of guys are but I don’t feel that way because YOU fulfill all my needs.”  See.  We know how to play the game.


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I talk on the radio for a living.  The last time I hosted my morning radio show here in West Palm Beach was January 19, 2011.  This time off may have been a bit of a financial burden but it has also been the greatest gift of my life.  I’ve really gotten to know my mother.

Mom moved down here in 1987 and I finally made my way down here in 2004.  The irony was that I was close in distance but the time I put in at the radio station kept me from spending a lot of social time with mom.  I should have MADE more time for mom because she’s quite the remarkable person.  I was so caught up in MY world that valuable time slipped away.  There is an amazing moment in our lives when we look at our parents as “people” and they truly do become our “best friends.”  I lost my father twelve and a half years ago and we were already on that level and in the past nine months I’m happy to say mom and I are on that level as well.

I found out even without a college degree my mom is a remarkable businesswoman.  She’s much more stronger emotionally than me and she actually does possess a sense of humor.  This is all in addition to what I already knew about my mom:    no one will ever be able to have a garden like hers,  she makes the BEST salad in the world (she says the secret is to squeeze a bit of lemon around the bowl before ya toss), and she will ALWAYS over cook a pork roast because “If it’s pink inside, you’re gonna get worms.”

Mom spends a lot of time at my house because we both love to cook.  When she makes the ten-mile drive home I tell her to give me “one ring” when she gets home.  Suddenly the child has become the parent.  I learned a valuable lesson in my time off but now I think its time to get back to work……I really think I’m getting on my mother’s nerves.

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A news anchor in Chicago told the “truth” about Santa earlier this week and you can imagine the backlash.  Story HERE:  I think you lose that innocent perspective of life the moment you hear the “Santa story.”  I’ll never forget “Santa-Day.”  It was a Tuesday morning in December at about 7:30AM.  The bus would stop in front of my house in ten minutes and I was just about to walk out the front door.  I was seven years old.  Mom asked me to come into my bedroom for a moment and sit down.  My mother got right to the point and said:  “I don’t want you to hear this on the bus but Santa is not real.  Your father and I buy the gifts and he eats the cookies.  I’ll explain the entire thing after school.”  I’m not kidding you.  I got the “Santa Story” like a news anchor was doing a tease for the six o’clock headlines.

I got on the bus stunned.  I looked around at the other snot-nosed kids and wondered how many of them knew.  Could they tell that I had just been told?  Is there a secret sign I need to share with them to illustrate I knew the big lie was over?  Look.  I was seven years old, my mother gives me a cliff-note version of the “Santa story” and throws me on a bus.  My world was a bit shaken and now I questioned EVERYTHING.  In fifteen seconds I had gone from existing in a constant state of Utopia to a psychologists dream.

When I got home from school that day I sat down with Mom and Dad and they explained everything in great detail.  Santa may not wear a red suit and climb down the chimney but he does exist.  There’s a little bit of Santa Claus in all of us and THAT’S what makes him real and makes him exist.  I felt much better.  I trusted the world and my parents once again.  All I could do is hug my mother and say “Well at least we have the Easter Bunny.”  There was a long pause……I think you know the rest of this story.  🙂

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The campaign for the Presidency has begun.  I have been watching the GOP debates over the past few months and all I can say is this:  We are in trouble.  I’m taking politics out of it because I am not a fan of either party.  The irony to me is that we have created this mess for the same reason so many in the world don’t like us.  America likes SEXY.  We like the long pass for a touchdown, we like the girl to be a super-model, we like big fireworks displays, we hope our daughters marry doctors or lawyers.  We LIKE sexy!

Sexy works in the movies but it doesn’t work in politics.  Pretty Woman is a great movie.  It’s not a great movie with Margaret Cho and Richard Belzer in starring roles.  America has become a big business.  We need a businessman to run  our country.  Warren Buffett makes money no matter what the economy is.  Warren Buffett is probably one of the greatest businessmen in the world.  Warren Buffet is NOT sexy.  Warren Buffet looks like Mr. Magoo but he gets results.  Americans are obsessed with the visual.  We need white teeth.  We need the new iPhone.  We need an iPad.  We need to get our hair done.  We need to lose weight.  Guess what???  Our needs are really screwed up because what we need to do is come together and fix this country.  Warren Buffett won’t do it because he doesn’t need the head ache and he’s not gonna take the pay cut.

We all make mistakes.  We all have skeletons in the closet.  Let’s not forget where we came from but I think its more important to focus on where we are.  If ya smoked pot in college I don’t care.  If ya didn’t I know you are lying or I’m not gonna vote for ya.  If ya cheated on your wife that’s between you and your wife.  If ya did gay porn in college I don’t care.  I gave plasma but I bet the gay porn paid better.  I remember a woman telling me she voted for a particular candidate for mayor because his support staff handed her a nail file with his name on it.  I wish I was making that up….I’m not.

Sexy works in magazines and in beauty pageants.  It’s not a good way to gauge your vote.  We are a materialistic instant gratification society and that’s not gonna change but in order for us to prosper we need to avoid the “sexy” and get the right man or woman in there to fix this economic mess.  If you’re gonna ask me how Jimmy Carter and Richard Nixon got elected that was BEFORE MTV so my sexy theory doesn’t apply.  🙂

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A lot of people follow Pat Robertson.  That concerns me because Pat Robertson is an idiot.  Pat Robertson just said the recent earthquakes in Oklahoma are a sign that we are near the end of time.  I’m not kidding.  Click HERE.  I say we call this guy’s bluff.  If we are near the end of time then I say I shut off his goof ball TV show and stop following his ministry.  Take that $500 a month that you “donate” to buy tweed sport coats and bracelets that correct Pat’s magnetic field and  spend it on your FAMILY.

Look, I believe in a Supreme Being.  I don’t know what He or She stands for  and what they have planned for our future but I can be assured of one thing:  Whoever it is…is not talking to Pat Robertson.  Did we forget that back in the 70’s this guy was saying the world was going to end in November of 1982?  We all know now that the good Lord wanted us to enjoy Poison and other hair bands thus we dodged that potentially fatal moment in time.  Pat Robertson is a used car salesman selling the bible.  God LOVES you but ya gotta FEAR God.  I don’t know about you but I don’t FEAR anyone I LOVE.

I’m always leery of the person in the room that makes the most noise.  I believe that person is trying to draw attention away from the fact that they are the least comfortable.  Pat Robertson is so quick to supply all the answers and that makes me think he should be questioned more than anyone.

 

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I like sports bars.  The conversations I find myself involved in seldom resolve around sports.  This past weekend we decided to tackle the perplexing question of “Who is the biggest douche-bag in the world?”  Sadly, many qualified nominees come to mind.  Mel Gibson; I say that was a meltdown we’ll never see again so in my book one incident doesn’t make a douche-bag.  Disappear for awhile and people will forget everything.  Just ask Michael Richards….whenever he decides to reappear.

Kim Kardashian?  Annoying but not a douche-bag.  She over-stayed her welcome and married a cave-man.  At least Reggie Bush has played better since she became single.  Andy Dick?  Ohhh.  Much better choice.  Andy constantly reinvents ways to get arrested and into the news for the wrong reason.  This is a guy that got thrown out of a PORN AWARDS SHOW!  I can’t argue a vote for Andy Dick just like I can’t argue a vote for Guns and Roses front-man Axl Rose.  How can a man with a page called “Axl Rose is an Asshole” on Facebook NOT be considered for biggest douche ever?

As you can see I have given this some thought!!  There is only one person that I feel good about as a douche.  I gotta vote for Michael Lohan.  Its bad enough he IS a douche but he REALIZES he’s a douche and he continues to do “douchey” things.  If you want to fix things with your daughter don’t try and do it in the press by pointing a finger at her.  Stop dating twenty year olds.  YOU are a mess so any woman who wants anything to do with you is a mess as well.  Don’t be surprised when SHE acts like looney-tune because that is what you attract.  Get out of that wheel chair, stop screaming “victim”, and make something out of your life!  Ahhhhhh….the life-coach of Michael Lohan.  THAT would be a task…….