I have dated a lot of women and I always make the wrong decision. I stay with the ones I shouldn’t and I screw up the ones I should have stayed with. I’m the first one to admit that I have my issues and I’ll never get that second call back to be on the cover of Men’s Fitness but if there were a prize for dating Looney-Tunes I would be on the top podium, receiving a gold medal, while they played the Star-Spangled Banner.
Think this is just in my head? Here are some of the highlights of the people I have spent time with in the past ten years: One was afraid to leave the house, one threw a soup can at me, one had to sleep with ALL the lights on and hold her baby blanket, one slept with one of my friends, one drank a bottle of wine every night, one had fourteen felony convictions for prescription fraud and tried to frame me with the police, one asked me to stick a beach towel in a co-workers gas tank and set it on fire and one actually thought PEARL HARBOR was in BOSTON!
I am considering an advisory council like they had in Flashdance. Three people sitting at a table and observing what the potential date has to offer. I feel between those three they would be able to find any existing red flags that I am obviously immune to. That’s a great idea if ya look like Brad Pitt but at this point in my life I’m a cross between Michael Chicklas and an ass with eyes. If a female packs my groceries at the supermarket I feel like I have game.
So the logical conclusion for me in 2012 is NO DATING AT ALL. I doubt this becomes a trending topic on Twitter but its something I need to do. On the upside….my right arm should become much bigger.