I have dated a lot of women and I always make the wrong decision.  I stay with the ones I shouldn’t and I screw up the ones I should have stayed with.  I’m the first one to admit that I have my issues and I’ll never get that second call back to be on the cover of Men’s Fitness but if there were a prize for dating Looney-Tunes I would be on the top podium, receiving a gold medal, while they played the Star-Spangled Banner.

Think this is just in my head?  Here are some of the highlights of the people I have spent time with in the past ten years:  One was afraid to leave the house, one threw a soup can at me, one had to sleep with ALL the lights on and hold her baby blanket, one slept with one of my friends, one drank a bottle of wine every night, one had fourteen felony convictions for prescription fraud and tried to frame me with the police, one asked me to stick a beach towel in a co-workers gas tank and set it on fire and one actually thought PEARL HARBOR was in BOSTON!

I am considering an advisory council like they had in Flashdance.  Three people sitting at a table and observing what the potential date has to offer.  I feel between those three they would be able to find any existing red flags that I am obviously immune to.  That’s a great idea if ya look like Brad Pitt but at this point in my life I’m a cross between Michael Chicklas and an ass with eyes.  If a female packs my groceries at the supermarket I feel like I have game.

So the logical conclusion for me in 2012 is NO DATING AT ALL.  I doubt this becomes a trending topic on Twitter but its something I need to do.  On the upside….my right arm should become much bigger.

  1. Haha! Good luck with that! 🙂 My friends have told me my “picker” is broken so I’m just living life without “trying” to date anyone. Much happier!
    Corey Dylan

  2. TNTPrincess says:

    WOW… that is a whole lot of CRAZY!!! Can’t say I blame you for taking a year off… must take a lot to recover from that much insanity.

  3. Diane says:

    well well well – isn’t that a group of gals??? geez, blowin up cars, and pearl harbor…come on…My dating has been much more boring!

  4. Katie Metts says:

    I love this. Because I have known some of those crazy stories. You are still one of the funniest men alive to me. I’d sell you a beer and gossip with you all day about the ‘crazies’. Glad I found your blog – when the rest of the world sucks I can log-on and get a great laugh.

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