What I Have Learned In Life

on June 8, 2017June 8, 2017

life

Life is strange…….at least mine is. We all make mistakes but mistakes are how we learn. I’ve made countless mistakes so I should be pretty smart but the only thing this proves is that I have a superfluous amount of mistakes yet to endure. Having said this I thought I would share some of the lessons in life I have learned.

Never raise your voice to win an argument: People that yell are frustrated and the secret to winning an argument is to frustrate your opponent into raising his/her voice.
Kindness cannot be taught you either practice it or just make the conscious decision to be an asshole.
Never date anyone that you meet at last call.
Money pays bills but it doesn’t create self-worth.
Experience a brush with death and you will figure out the meaning of life.
People will use the word “amazing” when it’s not truly “amazing.”
Drinking tequila leads to one of two things: getting into a fight or taking your clothes off.
People with a cross tattooed on their forehead do not work at NASA.
Never trust anyone that believes wrestling is real.
Whoever created bottled water or salad in a bag is a genius.

It took me many years to figure out these proverbs of wisdom. I look forward to the mistakes I will make today to create my lessons of tomorrow.

Podcast 85: DANNYLAND! The Worst Commercial on TV and More!

on November 16, 2016November 16, 2016

swift

Crazy tattoos, Three Things I Don’t Understand, Why Radio Stations Flip to Xmas Music and more! Just click below to listen.

FIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK ON THAT FIRST DATE

on February 24, 2012February 24, 2012

Let’s face it. Dating really sucks. My New Year’s resolution is NOT to date anyone in 2012. I have had my fair share of relationships and like you, some good and some bad. I have, however, obtained a vast amount of experience and knowledge and I’d like to share it with the men. Ladies feel free to agree or disagree.

1) HAVE YOU EVER ENTERED A BAR CONTEST OF ANY KIND? If she says “yes” then fill her with a few more shots and take her home. Any chick that enters a “Hot Body Contest” or a “Sausage Eating Contest” is not a lady. But for a $25 bar tab you can have her naked and smacking her head on your ceiling fan.

2) DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS AND WHERE ARE THEY? I like the tramp stamp. Keep in mind that the tramp stamp will eventually follow the rules of gravity and will eventually look like a term paper left in a rainstorm. If she has the Nike logo on her Venus Mound with the words “Just Do It”, I’d take my twelve condoms back to the drug store and reload.

3) DO YOU HAVE A 401-K? This is important. If she DOESN’T that means she expects a man to provide for her or she plans on pulling a Chaz Bono by getting a sex change to get a better deal at the dry cleaners. A female with a 401-K is a woman. A female without probably has a real nice set of boobs.

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CLOWNS? A clown is the court jester for the Devil. If your date wants to go to the circus just to see the clowns know you will one day wake up to her on top of you with a Ginzu ready to carve the dead sea scrolls into your chest. Now if she likes spider monkeys riding on top of running dogs…..she’s a keeper.

5) GO THROUGH HER PURSE: This isn’t a question it’s more of a mission. Most women take their purses with them when they are going to the bathroom so I would suggest having a friend call the bar/restaurant you are at and having her paged. Ya have to move fast. You are looking for prescription bottles. Xanax and any prescription that RELAXES her is great. Ya know in the future when you are two hours late without a phone call she won’t flip out on ya. If ya see Valtrex, ya know there’s “fire in the hole.” This is not a relationship killer but go back to that same drug store in rule number two and reload again.

Now ya know why I’m a “keeper.” I have a unique knack of keeping the opposite sex far away from me. Perhaps that is best for all involved.

ISN’T THIS JUST A LITTLE GAY?

on August 31, 2011August 31, 2011

Every now and then something comes along and I just don’t understand the popularity and appeal it has to others. Mixed Martial Arts is one of those stumbling blocks.

It’s much more violent than boxing and it’s what I imagine prison rape might resemble. For someone who has never see seen MMA I would suggest take boxing, add some wrestling, and top it off with that volleyball scene from the movie “Top Gun.” THAT is MMA!

In order to get an opponent to “tap out” it seems you must “tea-bag” him until he is nearly asphyxiated. I’d want out of the match as well if I was choking on a scrotum that resembled a five-pound sack of Vidalia onions. “Sack out ref!!! Sack out!!!”

Crazy tattoos, lots of blood, lots of violence, lots of yelling, lots of finger-pointing, lots of overcompensation happening here if you ask me. I say lose the double earrings, put on a t-shirt that actually FITS, grab your opponent and spend the day antiquing. You know ya want to! 🙂

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