Pop Culture

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The ass-hat that is pictured to the left has a legal name of Metta World Peace.  His birth name was Ron Artest but evidently that wasn’t acceptable for this clown so he legally changed his name in September of 2011.  Metta…or World Peace….or Mr. Peace…..whatever ya wanna call this dipstick should simply change his name to what best describes him:  Big A$$hole!  He has been suspended from the NBA for seven games for throwing an elbow into the face of an opponent.  It wasn’t even close to being  accidental and it certainly wasn’t something you would expect from a guy that took the legal last name of “World Peace.”  See video HERE.

This name changing thing has become quite common among athletes.  I understand it when it has to do with a change in religion like Muhammad Ali or Kareem-Abdul-Jabbar but I think your credibility takes a hit when you change your name from Chad Johnson to Chad Ochocinco.  I can understand not liking your name and feeling a need to change it if it was Howie Feltersnatch but if swimmer Misty Hyman can refrain from changing HER name then I think Prince…or LoveSymbol…or whatever he thinks his name should be…. ought to get back on stage and sing “Let’s Go Crazy.”

Perhaps the biggest offender of the name change thing is Sean Combs.  Compared to MY last name this is a walk in the park.  You never get to experience the look of confusion on the face of the lady at the doctor’s office when she opens the door to the waiting room to call your name when it’s “Combs.”  So far Sean Combs has changed his name to Puff Daddy, P-Diddy and just plain old Diddy.  How ridiculous is this?  Ya wanna impress me?   Change your name to “P-Myself” so we all can have a good laugh when you appear on the Tonight Show and they announce your name next to Dame Helen Mirren.   I could go on all day but I have a call holding from a Dixie Recht.

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Today is a big day if you like to partake in the inhalation of marijuana.  The time of 4:20 PM was singled out as the appropriate time during the day to smoke the wacky weed by an editor of High Times.  Although I don’t smoke pot myself I have in the past and I am a huge advocate of the legalization of marijuana.  Our prisons are filled with people that have consumed and sold something that is legal in some states.  That seems like a silly and huge contradiction to me.

Opponents of the legalization of marijuana will argue that it’s a “gateway drug” that will lead to  experimentation and abuse of other drugs.  Let me set the record straight:  It leads you to the gateway of Pizza and Funions.  Legalization of pot would have a drastic effect on this country.  Video game sales would skyrocket and furniture stores would experience a record amount of sofa and recliner sales.  The police would not be happy as there never would be another speeding ticket written again.  The speed limit on the highways would have to be reduced to 35 miles an hour.  Imagine how much fuel we would conserve.

Legalize weed and your husband will never say to you “There’s nothing to eat in this house.”  He’ll grab an onion, two slices of bread, some chocolate syrup and a can of tuna and proudly proclaim he has discovered “the greatest sandwich in the world!”  The divorce rate would decrease dramatically as your fights would go like this:  SHE:  “Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take out the trash?”  HE:  “I’m not sure.”  SHE:  “Me either.  Where are the Doritoes.”

So if you happen to be driving this afternoon around 4:20PM and it seems like there aren’t a lot of people on the road, don’t worry, they’ll all be at The Golden Corral.

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So the big buzz this week was the Tupac Shakur hologram that performed at Coachella.  See the video HERE.  There is now talk of taking this hologram on the road for an official tour.  Didn’t we see this years ago when Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman dragged a corpse around in “Weekend at Bernies.”

Its bad enough performers are charging so much for concert tickets and all they do is lip synch and now they want us to pay to see someone who isn’t even there.  Why not just exhume musicians that have left this world too soon, tie ropes around them and make them perform like a marionettes.  Whoever gets the short straw will be in charge of Pavoratti.  Now THAT’S a workout!!

Why stop the hologram technology with musical performers.  Can you imagine the look on the Pope’s face when he sees John Paul II walking out on the balcony at the Vatican one Sunday to give the final blessing?  Picture the reaction of people in Vail when Sonny Bono gets on the ski lift and says “Point me in the direction of the hill with the least amount of trees.”  I’m sure the staff at the Stage Deli in New York wouldn’t have a problem if Mama Cass walked in and said “Could ya cut that chicken sandwich into small pieces for me so I don’t choke?”

There is a reason we have a past and a future.  They are not meant to be combined.  I’d say more on this subject but I’m having lunch with Elvis at a Burger King in Kalamazoo.

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The guy pictured to the left is former quarterback Joe Theisman.  He used to play for the Washington Redskins and at one time was in a long-term relationship with Cathy Lee Crosby.  I have weird sleeping patterns and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I  see all kinds of silly commercials for all kinds of silly products.  Joe Theisman is currently pitching a product called “Super Beta Prostate.”  You MUST watch the video for this product and listen to Joe share with all of us the reason why he needs it.  Click to see video HERE.

Joe now does play-by-play of NFL games and according to this video the first thing he does when he enters a stadium is find the closest bathroom in case he has that “sudden urge to go.”  Did he actually negotiate that in his contract?  Now when I listen to his play-by-play and I don’t hear him for 30 seconds am I supposed to wonder if it’s because his “prostate is giving him fits?”  How about the doctor in this video that actually asks “do ya wanna stronger urine flow?”  Look….I have a lot of things on my bucket list….a stronger urine flow is not one of them.  Where does that come in handy?  I don’t see myself fighting off potential gropers in a Turkish bath with my “stronger urine flow.”

Joe actually says, “My wife and I sleep better and I wake up feeling younger.”  I’m sure she DOES sleep better.  It’s hard to relax and go to sleep not knowing if there is gonna be an eruption from a urine geyser.  Too bad he wasn’t a spokesman for this product during his playing days.  Who would wanna tackle him???  He’d be running all over the field looking like he was a broken sprinkler head.

I’m  still a fan of Joe Theisman but I can assure ya one thing; IF I ever meet him I won’t be shaking his hand!

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So the jackpot on Mega Millions is up to an estimated $640 million!  My question is do you REALLY wanna win this?  Chances are that if you are reading this you probably have a full set of teeth, can do simple math, and realize that Pearl Harbor is NOT located in Boston.  There is also a pretty good chance that if you played Mega Millions this weekend then you are after the jackpot and NOT a regular lottery player.

Let’s discuss this regular lottery player.  He/She likes to parade around in sandals with socks.  Wherever they DO work they can’t be offering a dental plan because their teeth resemble a worn out rake.  I’m pretty much positive that they floss with rope.  They stand in line on a mission.  Nothing is gonna get through them, their coffee stained sweatpants, and their already filled out Mega Millions card.  The cliff note version of the game is ya gotta pick six numbers.  Basically one number for every illegitimate child a seasoned lottery player has.  One of the numbers has to be the “Mega Ball.”  Again it’s called a  “Mega Ball” not to be confused with a “smegma ball” which I assume every regular male lottery player is in possession of.

Now that we all can agree on the stereotypical lottery player how can we NOT pray that he or she isn’t the winner.  We’re not talking about anyone that is gonna give Warren Buffet a run for his money. Once they take the lump sum (and why wouldn’t ya), get ready for the biggest Wal-Mart shopping spree in history!  Everyone in the family gets a new CB radio.  Watch the profits of John Deere soar.  I can’t wait for the magical moment when Mom breaks the news to her nine kids:  “Put on your best wife-beater…the one without the spaghetti sauce stain, we finally going to SUPER Target!!!”  How about that great moment when she calls her sister in Kentucky to break the news?  “Mary Lou?  We be millionaires!!  Tell that husband of yours and cousin of mine that we are gonna get him a fake leg made out of cherry wood.  That way his knee won’t get warm standing round the bonfire in the fall.”

I’d say more but the drawing is almost here.  I need to get my tickets, a 12-pack of Natural Light and some Redman!

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Take a look at the items to the left.  Do you know what they are?  At first it looks like those water rockets you would play with as a kid but that is FAAAAAR from the truth.  This apparatus is called a Post-T-Vac.  When I hear that term I think of a vacuum cleaner that sweeps up unwanted post-it notes.  Wrong you are again Robin.  Lately I have been suffering from insomnia so that means I am exposed to a lot of infomercials for late night TV.  The other night I saw the infomercial for the Post-T-Vac.  I found a two-minute video that pretty much explains its purpose.  Click HERE.

Yup….this thing and its accoutrements are to be put on your male member.  It promises to show results in four minutes.  There is NO WAY I’m putting my manhood in this salad shredder.  Did you look at the commercial?  Who ARE these people.  I PRAY these guys have erectile dysfunction because there is no way we want these couples procreating unless we wanna go back to Darwin’s waiting room.

They also say that the Post-T-Vac is covered by insurance.  Really?  You wanna make that call to Blue Cross?  “Hello Blue Cross??  Dick Limpy here.  I need you guys to fork over some cash so I can stuff my over cooked noodle in a small vacuum cleaner.  Hello?  Hello??”  They also claim it’s “clinically proven.”  I know times are tough but I don’t wanna be working in THAT clinic.  These dudes coming in sticking their magic sticks inside a sucking beaker until they get it right?  Show me how the guys that were part of that study are walking today.  I bet they look like a pirate looking for his parrot.

They also promise that it’s “delivered discretely” and it’s “100% guaranteed.”  Well good God I would hope so.  I don’t need my Fed Ex guy ringing the doorbell, asking me to sign for my package and saying “Use this pen because it’s probably the only hard thing you’ll put in your hand for awhile.”  About that 100% guarantee.  Do you really wanna be working in the mail room when the returns come in?  That job may actually be worse than when they conducted the “clinical study.”

I could say more but I need to do my “Total Insanity” workout and put some “Wen” in my hair.

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When I was in second grade my father surprised me by bringing home a puppy.  It was my first dog.  I named her “Lady” (give me a break on originality…I was eight years old).  Let’s fast forward to my first Xmas Eve away from home.  I was in Grand Rapids, Michigan working at WKLQ radio.  I wasn’t able to make it back to my family in Cleveland because there was a HUGE snowstorm and I had the flu and a temperature of 103 degrees.

I was literally sick AND very homesick.  I knew my mother was having the family at her house for Xmas Eve so I wanted to call  before people would arrive.  I was very sad but I knew a call to my mother would make my mood a bit better.  We were on the phone for about ten minutes when the I heard the doorbell ring at my childhood home.  Mom said, “Okay, I love you.  Gotta get the door.”  It immediately dawned on me.  Where was Lady’s bark?  That dog ALWAYS barked when the doorbell rang.  It truly was Pavlov’s dog.  I said to my mother, “Wait a minute.  How come Lady isn’t barking?”  The silence on the other end of the phone was almost infinitesimal.  Finally my mother said, “Ya know when ya said we would know when it’s time?”  I was stunned.  All I could muster out of my mouth was, “When did this happen?”  Mom didn’t even hesitate, “About three weeks ago.”

THREE WEEKS AGO?????  You decide to kill my dog three weeks ago and then break the news to me on Xmas Eve when I am 285 miles away from home and almost have a fever that is causing me to hallucinate?  Is it too late to ask Santa to bring me the ashes of my beloved pet on his way to my house?  Ho Ho Ho!

When I tell this story today, which I do often, my mother (who has an AMAZING memory) develops a severe case of amnesia.  She will always say, “That’s not the way it happened.”  I suppose O.J. said the same thing to Robert Shapiro.  Mom lives about ten miles from me here in West Palm Beach and the other day I told her I was planning on riding the Harley down to Key West.  She said, “Let me know.  I’ll watch your dog.”  I cancelled my trip.

 

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So my mother has been spending a lot of time at my house as I figure out what to do with the next stage of my life and I find our conversations quite amusing as we really don’t communicate at all.  We were in the grocery store the other day and she asked me “Do you like apples?”  I said “Mom, ya know me.  The only fruit I really like is watermelon.”  I think my mother has tried to get me to eat apples at least a hundred times in my lifetime so I just laughed it off.

The very next day she is in the kitchen cutting up a salad for me while I am in the office next to the kitchen on the computer.  Our conversation went like this:  MOM:  “Ya know what’s really good in salad?  Apples.”  ME: “Mom….I don’t like apples.”  MOM:  “Ya know I could get some and cut them up in your salad.”  ME:  “I don’t like apples.”  MOM:  “I saw some at a really good price the other day.  Next time I’m at the store I’ll get some.”  ME:  Mom…I like watermelon.  I don’t like apples.”  MOM:  Well watermelon is not in season right now so I’ll get some apples.”  ME:  They’ll go to waste.  Again….I don’t like apples.”  MOM:  “Really?  I thought you just didn’t like biting into them (not kidding).”  ME:  I HATE APPLES!  FOR THE LAST TIME, APPLES SUCK, I GAG, I PUKE, I ABSOLUTELY HATE APPLES!!!  MOM: “Geez…..I’m just trying to feed you.”

I’m actually convinced that there is a school that mothers go to AFTER their kids leave the house so they have the ability to drive us nuts.  Hang on a sec…..Mom asking me a question.  “Do you like pears?”  ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!