Current Events

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I knew what I wanted to do when I was thirteen years old growing up just outside of Cleveland, Ohio.  I used to listen to Pete Franklin on WWWE talking sports EVERY night.  Then I listened to those silly FM air-personalities in the morning and they seemed to be having soooo much fun.  The one thing I never liked on the radio was music.  I took up time for what I wanted to do.  I wanted to talk to people, laugh, make people react, learn something, teach something, share something but most of all INVOLVE the listeners.  Sadly….today we call that facebook.

I don’t care about the song of the day, the high-low cash game, the phrase that pays, the secret sound, “Horriblescopes” or “Dirt-Alerts.”  I have enough drama in my life so why do I need to know which Real Housewife is in re-hab, which one got arrested, which one got a black eye, how big her engagement ring is or what she looks like in South Beach in a bikini?  It’s embarrassing to say….but somewhere I actually grew up.  I’m not ashamed to admit I like that “Call Me Maybe” song.  I don’t know who sings it.  I don’t care.  I just know that her mp3 is inside my smart phone and I can listen to it when I want to.

I worry….I worry a lot.  I used to be a real jerk…maybe I still am.  I never really paid attention in school because I just wanted to make people laugh.  Now I’m obsessed with knowledge, I have become a news junkie and I really try to think of others before myself (I’ll admit that I’m not really fond of that).  I love sports bars for two reasons….I love sports and I love beer.  I ride a Harley, have a few crazy tattoos and I really believe the government does not have our best interests in mind.  I was a selfish boyfriend/husband and now that I have my act together I couldn’t care less about dating.  I’ve made more mistakes in life than you have but I also know that has provided me with incredible stories.

Many nice people have offered me jobs in great cities playing ten songs an hour,  I’d be able to make great money but would it be fair to them or more importantly to who I am and what I want to do to take that job?  Integrity has become important to me.  I can’t lie to them and I can’t lie to myself.  All these “experts” will say ‘People wanna hear music.’  Really?  I think they are wrong. People want to communicate.  They want to be heard.  People want to contribute.  How much music are you getting on facebook?  How many songs are played on Twitter?  I’m not down on radio at all.  I see an INCREDIBLE opportunity.  Radio needs to ENGAGE the listener.  React in some way.  Laugh, agree, disagree, get mad,think back to a memory, relate, learn something….I’m rambling now but I guess this is more like one of those word documents ya get in a holiday card every year that tells ya what that status of someone’s family is.  This is where I came from, this is what I am about,and this is where I am determined to go.   Thanks for reading. 🙂

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We all are pretty much aware of the hype about the Mayan calendar and how this is supposed to be the final year that this planet survives.  I didn’t buy into any of it but if you assess the happenings of the past month you may be changing your mind as well.

John Travolta, the guy that broke women’s hearts in Saturday Night Fever, has been accused of groping the packages of three different men during a massage.  Just a few years ago we would teach abstinence in our schools to prevent teen pregnancy….now Teen Mom’s are big stars on TV.    Women that had anger issues and drinking problems are the type of people you would expect men to avoid—-now they are referred to as “Real Housewives.”  We had a guy in Miami that was nude and eating the freaking FACE off of a homeless guy and some guy in New Jersey was throwing his own intestines at the police.

The biggest city in our country is gonna limit the size of soft drinks because they are concerned about our health yet you can still buy an extra-large pizza with triple cheese.  Next thing ya know detainees at Guantanamo Bay will claim to have been tortured by Sesame Street characters.  What???  They have????  Time for me to get ready for a garage sale because it seems like we have about six months left.

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At this writing THREE people have now come forward saying John Travolta wanted his male masseuse to give him some extra service.   There is something seriously wrong when anyone can say anything about anyone and there are no repercussions on those filing false claims.   John Travolta has a ton of cash.  If he wants someone to yank and pull on his Barbarino he’s not gonna approach someone he doesn’t know on a cruise.  There is too  much to lose.

One accuser said Travolta allegedly offered him  $12,000 for gay sex.  That is such a random number it further facilitates my belief that this is all a bunch of bullshit.  Where does THAT number come from?  I’ve never been involved in a bidding war for gay sex but I imagine it would be in incriminates of fives and tens.  The only way I see $12,000 being made as an offer is if was a compromise.  Travolta offered ten grand, cabin boy wanted fifteen, so then the next offer would be $12,500.  See…..it’s STILL not twelve grand.

I try to put myself in the position of the masseuse to see how I would handle the situation.  If I’m giving Travolta a deep tissue massage and he rolls over with an erection that would cut through steel and starts lumbering towards me like a bear I exit the scene.  I’m not sticking around to find out how this story ends.  There is no discussion about money.  There isn’t an opportunity for him to ask for a hug.  Start rolling the credits people because I’m not gonna be around when he asks me “Ya wanna know what I mean by Face-Off????”

No go pick on the Kardashians….at least they deserve it.

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The ass-hat that is pictured to the left has a legal name of Metta World Peace.  His birth name was Ron Artest but evidently that wasn’t acceptable for this clown so he legally changed his name in September of 2011.  Metta…or World Peace….or Mr. Peace…..whatever ya wanna call this dipstick should simply change his name to what best describes him:  Big A$$hole!  He has been suspended from the NBA for seven games for throwing an elbow into the face of an opponent.  It wasn’t even close to being  accidental and it certainly wasn’t something you would expect from a guy that took the legal last name of “World Peace.”  See video HERE.

This name changing thing has become quite common among athletes.  I understand it when it has to do with a change in religion like Muhammad Ali or Kareem-Abdul-Jabbar but I think your credibility takes a hit when you change your name from Chad Johnson to Chad Ochocinco.  I can understand not liking your name and feeling a need to change it if it was Howie Feltersnatch but if swimmer Misty Hyman can refrain from changing HER name then I think Prince…or LoveSymbol…or whatever he thinks his name should be…. ought to get back on stage and sing “Let’s Go Crazy.”

Perhaps the biggest offender of the name change thing is Sean Combs.  Compared to MY last name this is a walk in the park.  You never get to experience the look of confusion on the face of the lady at the doctor’s office when she opens the door to the waiting room to call your name when it’s “Combs.”  So far Sean Combs has changed his name to Puff Daddy, P-Diddy and just plain old Diddy.  How ridiculous is this?  Ya wanna impress me?   Change your name to “P-Myself” so we all can have a good laugh when you appear on the Tonight Show and they announce your name next to Dame Helen Mirren.   I could go on all day but I have a call holding from a Dixie Recht.

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Today is a big day if you like to partake in the inhalation of marijuana.  The time of 4:20 PM was singled out as the appropriate time during the day to smoke the wacky weed by an editor of High Times.  Although I don’t smoke pot myself I have in the past and I am a huge advocate of the legalization of marijuana.  Our prisons are filled with people that have consumed and sold something that is legal in some states.  That seems like a silly and huge contradiction to me.

Opponents of the legalization of marijuana will argue that it’s a “gateway drug” that will lead to  experimentation and abuse of other drugs.  Let me set the record straight:  It leads you to the gateway of Pizza and Funions.  Legalization of pot would have a drastic effect on this country.  Video game sales would skyrocket and furniture stores would experience a record amount of sofa and recliner sales.  The police would not be happy as there never would be another speeding ticket written again.  The speed limit on the highways would have to be reduced to 35 miles an hour.  Imagine how much fuel we would conserve.

Legalize weed and your husband will never say to you “There’s nothing to eat in this house.”  He’ll grab an onion, two slices of bread, some chocolate syrup and a can of tuna and proudly proclaim he has discovered “the greatest sandwich in the world!”  The divorce rate would decrease dramatically as your fights would go like this:  SHE:  “Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take out the trash?”  HE:  “I’m not sure.”  SHE:  “Me either.  Where are the Doritoes.”

So if you happen to be driving this afternoon around 4:20PM and it seems like there aren’t a lot of people on the road, don’t worry, they’ll all be at The Golden Corral.

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So the big buzz this week was the Tupac Shakur hologram that performed at Coachella.  See the video HERE.  There is now talk of taking this hologram on the road for an official tour.  Didn’t we see this years ago when Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman dragged a corpse around in “Weekend at Bernies.”

Its bad enough performers are charging so much for concert tickets and all they do is lip synch and now they want us to pay to see someone who isn’t even there.  Why not just exhume musicians that have left this world too soon, tie ropes around them and make them perform like a marionettes.  Whoever gets the short straw will be in charge of Pavoratti.  Now THAT’S a workout!!

Why stop the hologram technology with musical performers.  Can you imagine the look on the Pope’s face when he sees John Paul II walking out on the balcony at the Vatican one Sunday to give the final blessing?  Picture the reaction of people in Vail when Sonny Bono gets on the ski lift and says “Point me in the direction of the hill with the least amount of trees.”  I’m sure the staff at the Stage Deli in New York wouldn’t have a problem if Mama Cass walked in and said “Could ya cut that chicken sandwich into small pieces for me so I don’t choke?”

There is a reason we have a past and a future.  They are not meant to be combined.  I’d say more on this subject but I’m having lunch with Elvis at a Burger King in Kalamazoo.

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The guy pictured to the left is former quarterback Joe Theisman.  He used to play for the Washington Redskins and at one time was in a long-term relationship with Cathy Lee Crosby.  I have weird sleeping patterns and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I  see all kinds of silly commercials for all kinds of silly products.  Joe Theisman is currently pitching a product called “Super Beta Prostate.”  You MUST watch the video for this product and listen to Joe share with all of us the reason why he needs it.  Click to see video HERE.

Joe now does play-by-play of NFL games and according to this video the first thing he does when he enters a stadium is find the closest bathroom in case he has that “sudden urge to go.”  Did he actually negotiate that in his contract?  Now when I listen to his play-by-play and I don’t hear him for 30 seconds am I supposed to wonder if it’s because his “prostate is giving him fits?”  How about the doctor in this video that actually asks “do ya wanna stronger urine flow?”  Look….I have a lot of things on my bucket list….a stronger urine flow is not one of them.  Where does that come in handy?  I don’t see myself fighting off potential gropers in a Turkish bath with my “stronger urine flow.”

Joe actually says, “My wife and I sleep better and I wake up feeling younger.”  I’m sure she DOES sleep better.  It’s hard to relax and go to sleep not knowing if there is gonna be an eruption from a urine geyser.  Too bad he wasn’t a spokesman for this product during his playing days.  Who would wanna tackle him???  He’d be running all over the field looking like he was a broken sprinkler head.

I’m  still a fan of Joe Theisman but I can assure ya one thing; IF I ever meet him I won’t be shaking his hand!

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I was raised Catholic so Easter was kind of big deal to me as a kid but there are so many things that didn’t make sense to me then and they surely don’t now.  It started on Good Friday when my mother would make me come inside the house between 1-3PM because “that is the time Jesus died.”  With leap years and Daylight Savings Time over the past two thousand years shouldn’t Good Friday actually be before Valentines Day?  How does sitting downstairs silently for two hours on a sunny Friday afternoon give me a higher place in heaven?  I don’t think the secret to everlasting life can be found being quiet and lazy.

Easter Sunday was a big deal.  This is the day that Jesus rose from the dead.  I would think that if this occurred today it would be the main topic on CNN and they would call in Wolf Blitzer for a special Sunday edition of “The Situation Room.”   I can even see Nancy Grace yelling at Jesus, “C’mon!  Do REALLY expect me to believe that you moved that rock all by yourself!!!!!!!

So we have this wonderful man who was without sin and died on the cross for all of us so we can have everlasting life and the way we show our thanks is by hiding hard-boiled eggs inside our house?  I sure hope the Cadbury family is giving thanks to Jesus because he made them millionaires.  What’s with the bunny?  I mean seriously…the Easter Bunny is one step below a clown on my creep-o-meter.  I remember watching rabbits appear at dusk in my backyard as a kid and I would NEVER be able to get within 20 yards of them.  The Easter Bunny is so tall he could play point guard on most NBA teams, he walks on two feet, doesn’t hop, and he likes to hug and shake hands.  Something is not making sense here.  Try bringing the Easter bunny to church with ya one day and see how quickly the cops show up.   Instead of gnawing on a leg of lamb you and your bunny friend will be in a rubber room weaving baskets out of cooked spaghetti.

I hope you and your family have a Happy Easter….that’s all for now…I think the tooth fairy is at my door.

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So the jackpot on Mega Millions is up to an estimated $640 million!  My question is do you REALLY wanna win this?  Chances are that if you are reading this you probably have a full set of teeth, can do simple math, and realize that Pearl Harbor is NOT located in Boston.  There is also a pretty good chance that if you played Mega Millions this weekend then you are after the jackpot and NOT a regular lottery player.

Let’s discuss this regular lottery player.  He/She likes to parade around in sandals with socks.  Wherever they DO work they can’t be offering a dental plan because their teeth resemble a worn out rake.  I’m pretty much positive that they floss with rope.  They stand in line on a mission.  Nothing is gonna get through them, their coffee stained sweatpants, and their already filled out Mega Millions card.  The cliff note version of the game is ya gotta pick six numbers.  Basically one number for every illegitimate child a seasoned lottery player has.  One of the numbers has to be the “Mega Ball.”  Again it’s called a  “Mega Ball” not to be confused with a “smegma ball” which I assume every regular male lottery player is in possession of.

Now that we all can agree on the stereotypical lottery player how can we NOT pray that he or she isn’t the winner.  We’re not talking about anyone that is gonna give Warren Buffet a run for his money. Once they take the lump sum (and why wouldn’t ya), get ready for the biggest Wal-Mart shopping spree in history!  Everyone in the family gets a new CB radio.  Watch the profits of John Deere soar.  I can’t wait for the magical moment when Mom breaks the news to her nine kids:  “Put on your best wife-beater…the one without the spaghetti sauce stain, we finally going to SUPER Target!!!”  How about that great moment when she calls her sister in Kentucky to break the news?  “Mary Lou?  We be millionaires!!  Tell that husband of yours and cousin of mine that we are gonna get him a fake leg made out of cherry wood.  That way his knee won’t get warm standing round the bonfire in the fall.”

I’d say more but the drawing is almost here.  I need to get my tickets, a 12-pack of Natural Light and some Redman!