So I’m thinking about this Xmas thing and I was let in on the secret by my Mother ten minutes before the bus was scheduled to pick me up. I was in the second grade and things really haven’t been the same since. Society isn’t very honest and most people will tell ya what ya wanna hear. Suddenly the world was different for me.
It’s really my fault though. What was I thinking or not thinking? There’s this guy and for a month he’s at every shopping mall listening to kids ask for things and then they take a picture. Christmas is coming, send an e-mail, this guy needs some rest.
He flies around the world in a sled pulled by reindeers and lands on the roof of a house to go down the chimney with a sack of gifts. What the hell is that? Oh. Don’t forget to leave some milk and cookies. So what if he’s lactose intolerant and has gout.
But wait, there’s more. He can fit all the gifts for all the kids in the world in the back of his sleigh. I can’t get six bags of mulch in the trunk of my mom’s car. Did I mention he lives at the North Pole? My next question is about who makes all these toys. Santa honestly would say “It’s all my elves.” Really? A bunch of midgets, with pointy shoes that have bells on them with a clown hat and a small hammer? I thought that was how crackers were made. Santa better not get pulled over on Christmas Eve cuz if he’s gonna tell that story we’ll see him on the police blotter.