So I’m sitting here thinking about Christmas and my childhood and I wonder if I’m alone on this.  Let’s examine some of the facts of this wonderful story.  Let’s start with the fat guy and the chimney.  Ya ever been on a roof and taken a look at a chimney?  A super model would get stuck in there.  Let’s say this generous man with his sack of goodies manages to make it down the aforementioned chimney.  I sure hope you’re not burning a yuletide log and ya remembered to shut off the alarm.  This will assure a very slow night for the folks at ADT.

So ya leave some cookies and milk.  That’s the last thing he needs.  Do him a favor and move the exercise bike by the tree and leave a few Lipitor pills and a shot of bourbon—it’s freaking cold outside.   So our friend Santa then rock climbs his way back up the chimney to get inside a sleigh that doesn’t have a heater or a seatbelt.  I’m pretty sure that all the shingles that got ripped off during the landing are not covered by your homeowners insurance.

Most of us have been on an airplane and have seen the size of those massive engines that insure a safe take off and a successful flight so of course the same mechanical wonders must be attached to the sleigh, right?  That’s not the case as we are all aware.  This winter mobile is able to take off a fifty foot runway pulled by a bunch of reindeer.  The one leading this parade has a nose that is red.  Anyone that has been on a road knows that’s the brake light so actually Santa flies backwards without a rear view mirror.  Living here in Florida I know that’s at least believable.  I could go about the elves but I don’t need any more hate mail from the Little People of America.  I’ll end my filibuster with a sincere statement for you and your family.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


So I’m thinking about this Xmas thing and I was let in on the secret by my Mother ten minutes before the bus was scheduled to pick me up.  I was in the second grade and things really haven’t been the same since.  Society isn’t very honest and most people will tell ya what ya wanna hear.  Suddenly the world was different for me.

It’s really my fault though.  What was I thinking or not thinking?  There’s this guy and for a month he’s at every shopping mall listening to kids ask for things and then they take a picture.  Christmas is coming, send an e-mail, this guy needs some rest.

He flies around the world in a sled pulled by reindeers and lands on the roof of a house to go down the chimney with a sack of gifts.   What the hell is that?  Oh.  Don’t forget to leave some milk and cookies.  So what if he’s lactose intolerant and has gout.

But wait, there’s more.  He can fit all the gifts for all the kids in the world in the back of his sleigh.  I can’t get six bags of mulch in the trunk of my mom’s car.  Did I mention he lives at the North Pole?  My next question is about who makes all these toys.  Santa honestly would say “It’s all my elves.”  Really?  A bunch of midgets, with pointy shoes that have bells on them with a clown hat and a small hammer?  I thought that was how crackers were made.  Santa better not get pulled over on Christmas Eve cuz if he’s gonna tell that story we’ll see him on the police blotter.