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So I’m thinking about this Xmas thing and I was let in on the secret by my Mother ten minutes before the bus was scheduled to pick me up.  I was in the second grade and things really haven’t been the same since.  Society isn’t very honest and most people will tell ya what ya wanna hear.  Suddenly the world was different for me.

It’s really my fault though.  What was I thinking or not thinking?  There’s this guy and for a month he’s at every shopping mall listening to kids ask for things and then they take a picture.  Christmas is coming, send an e-mail, this guy needs some rest.

He flies around the world in a sled pulled by reindeers and lands on the roof of a house to go down the chimney with a sack of gifts.   What the hell is that?  Oh.  Don’t forget to leave some milk and cookies.  So what if he’s lactose intolerant and has gout.

But wait, there’s more.  He can fit all the gifts for all the kids in the world in the back of his sleigh.  I can’t get six bags of mulch in the trunk of my mom’s car.  Did I mention he lives at the North Pole?  My next question is about who makes all these toys.  Santa honestly would say “It’s all my elves.”  Really?  A bunch of midgets, with pointy shoes that have bells on them with a clown hat and a small hammer?  I thought that was how crackers were made.  Santa better not get pulled over on Christmas Eve cuz if he’s gonna tell that story we’ll see him on the police blotter.

Crazy Car GuyWe all have been through the car buying experience and the competition to get your business is very high.  This is the reason thousands of dollars are spent in your city by local dealerships to convince you to walk inside their showroom.  I have been involved in the media business for many years and I will never understand the car dealer that insists on doing his own commercial because, quite frankly, you look like a goofball.

You know what I am referring to.  On St. Patrick’s Day he dresses like a Leprechaun.  On Christmas he’s in a Santa suit and his brother is dressed as an elf.  On Valentine’s Day he may even dress as Cupid and shoot an “arrow of savings LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!”  That’s another thing they do….they freaking yell at you.  You are not cutting a commercial for Wrestlemania you own a freaking car lot.  Are you gonna scream at me when I walk in the door?  If that’s the case I may as well buy a car from my mother as I walk out of my door with a wet head.

“At (insert car dealership name here)     WE HAVE GONE CRAZY!!”  Really?  Then I would suggest a trip to the psychiatrist to get some proper meds because I don’t want you sitting next to me during a test drive frothing at the mouth with a switchblade in your pants pocket.

And while I’m on a roll let me address the giant inflatable King Kong that some dealerships insist on placing on top of their roof.  First of all King Kong is not real.  Secondly a balloon serves the purpose of putting a smile on the face of a young child so if this is your strategy to attract your target customer I’m quite confident they are not carrying a Mensa card.  That’s my service to the public for today….perhaps tomorrow I’ll address the Chuck Norris Total Gym.

Xmas musicI tell the truth.  Many people tell ya what ya “wanna hear” and I’ll tell ya the truth again….I don’t like those people.  They won’t support you in your time of need, they aren’t truly your friend and they are only in life for their own personal gain and benefit.

During the past couple of weeks some of you have asked “Why do some radio stations switch to all Christmas music weeks before the actual holiday.”  From an industry standpoint I should shut my mouth and not be honest with you but that is not what I am about.  Is it because they are so into the holiday spirit they can’t resist changing the playlist to feature nothing but holiday classics?  Pardon me while I roll on the floor at the absurdity of that claim.  The truth?  To manipulate the ratings system.

Usually the station or stations that make this move aren’t doing well in the ratings.  The switch to all holiday music a month and a half before Xmas increases their listenership, helps them for about 45 days in the ratings, gives them a temporary boost, then the station uses those results to increase their advertising rates afterwards until their ratings drop and return to normal.  Now don’t get me wrong.  From a business standpoint it’s a great idea but if they are telling you the reason is because “it’s time to get into the season” that’s what I refer to as a “Cleveland steamer.”  To further insure maximum revenue in switching to all holiday music the station may also have this feature “sponsored” by a client.  Why?  You guessed it…..all about the almighty dollar.

I hope this clarifies your question and that you all have a wonderful holiday.  Please wait a while before asking me why so many stations like to feature a “Song of the Day.”

Redskins Name FootballI’m not politically correct.  I’m 100% Polish and I LOVE a good Pollock joke.  I’m the last guy you would refer to as a racist and that’s probably why I don’t see what the big deal is about the Washington Redskin’s logo.

Some have said to me “How would you feel if a team were to be called “The Pollocks?”  I’d love it.   I can see people at a Pollock game yelling “What type of dumb play was that?”  I’d laugh and say “What do you expect from a team called The Pollocks?”

Again, my level of sensitivity to this subject is VERY low but I will tell ya what pisses me off:  Thanksgiving and Columbus Day.  Columbus was a very bad man.  In 1500, the Crown had him removed as governor, arrested, and transported in chains to Spain yet we have a day honoring him?

Thanksgiving?  The Pilgrims landed here, befriended the Native Americans and then took their land.  For this we have a four-day weekend and a giant parade.  Santa Claus is at the end of the parade so he must be after your casinos.

I completely understand those that take issue with Thanksgiving and Columbus Day but making such an issue of something on the side of a football helmet or a baseball cap?  I just don’t see it but would love to hear your comments.  Have a great weekend.