I’ve been lackadaisical in my blog. For that matter I have been lackadaisical in my life for the past four months. I have become obsessed with what direction I wish to take next in life. Just over four years ago I told management at my last station that people don’t want eight songs an hour…they want content…GREAT content. We agreed to disagree and went our separate ways. Guess what? The show in there now isn’t playing any music. It wasn’t a surprise to me because I knew I was right then but now I’m truly at a crossroads.
I don’t own a radio. I only listen to content so that forces me to listen to podcasts at my leisure. Same thing is happening to TV. I have had numerous offers to return to radio but they want me to run these “features” like “Three things ya need to know”. “College of Knowledge”, “Skirt with the Dirt”, etc. I have no desire to waste the listener’s time with such predictable content. I also don’t find someone making an ice cream sundae in their pants on a street corner to be very compelling either.
Okay jackass. You just spent two paragraphs ranting about the problem what is the solution. Simple….I want to make people react. I’m an open book. I’ve made many mistakes and bad choices in life but those pitfalls taught me so much. I have been diagnosed with OCD, social anxiety disorder and general anxiety disorder. I don’t say that to gain your sympathy I just lay it out there so anyone else struggling with it knows they are not alone.
I truly believe that we are living in times that are quite frightening. The dumb asses out there that are following Kim K and Kanye need to pay attention to events/stories that really affect our lives. I don’t want to discuss politics all the time. I know a little about a lot. I wanna make you laugh, cry, agree, disagree, love me, hate me, love to hate me but above and beyond I want to learn from you. That was an answer I gave a General Manager in a large market about 6 months ago when he asked me “What type of show do ya do?” He looked at me like I just spoke a foreign language.
I have a decision to make very soon. Hold out for a radio gig that will let me loose and employ my strengths or enter the podcast world where there are no rules or parameters. On paper it looks like a no-brainer but I hate to walk away from something I love even it appears to be unfixable.
Life is strange…I think we all can agree on that but there are things that perplex me on a daily basis. Why do people watch “Real Housewives” when there isn’t anything real about them at all? If I call information for a number to call “Ghostbusters” how come they don’t have a number. If someone doesn’t believe that aliens truly exist have they ever seen a picture of Larry King? Why do people expect sports and entertainment stars to be role models–isn’t that the job of a parent?
Why do some people still judge a person based on their religious beliefs or skin color–doesn’t character come into consideration? Why are people taken aback when you use the words “please”, “thank you”, and “you’re welcome?” Can a real man play Monopoly and still choose the thimble as his game piece? How come I still have flash backs to being in 6th grade gym class when I couldn’t climb the rope?
Am I the only person that doesn’t answer their cell phone but just uses it to text? How come they allow Donald Duck to walk around Disney World not wearing pants? What would happen if I went back to my high school and asked to see my “permanent record?” When will people realize that fish are not pets…they are food. Karaoke should be called “A Night For People That Can’t Sing.” Do Japanese people think that any product labeled “Made in USA” is cheap and will probably break? How come a cat is the only animal that poops in a box? How come I don’t break into spontaneous laughter after eating a “Snickers” bar?
If you can answer any of these questions for me then I would appreciate it and if you also think of any of these queries of life…then I will reserve you some space in my rubber room.
I don’t date and I do it by choice. The last time I was on a date was October 23, 2011. The world is one big bowl of nuts and I’m not ashamed to admit I’m probably the walnut but I have figured out there are three types of women that I would avoid at all costs. In no particular order here are the signs:
YOU KNOW THE NAME OF AT LEAST ONE “REAL HOUSEWIFE”: There is nothing “real” about any of these whack jobs. Watching this show is like making a visit to the local mental ward to observe the patients to feel good about yourself. If ya wanna live in fantasy land then dress up like Captain America and go to a comic book convention.
YOU THINK FISH ARE PETS: Let me break the news to ya Moby Dick….anything you can eat is NOT a pet. Fish are a meal. Ya can’t train them and ya can’t pet them. If you actually believe that you are a pet owner because you have a tank on display in your den then ya might wanna consider cooking some pasta and weaving me a basket.
YOU HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS ON YOUR BED: Unless you work at the dime toss booth at the fair and your bedroom is a closet for the prizes you need to be on some sort of medication. You are an adult so start acting like one. Do ya scream for mommy when ya have a bad dream and still play with your Lite Brite when Amanda Bynes won’t answer your tweet? I hope not.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest….I’m going back to posting pictures on facebook of food I’m about to eat and writing various celebrities to ask for autographed pictures. THAT’S normal!
Every day we are confronted with decisions. Sometimes we make good ones and sometimes we make bad ones. That’s just the way of life. I have made MANY mistakes in my time on earth but I can honestly tell you I never woke up and declared “today is the day will finally get my neck tattoo.” If I need open heart surgery and Dr. Feelgood has a neck tattoo saying “Delicious” I’m gonna make sure someone else cuts me open. If I need someone to stand up for me in the court of law I don’t think the guy with “Judge This” on his neck is gonna have any pull with the man in the black robe.
If ya wanna get back in the stupidity line for extra credit then by all means feel free to add a tat on your forehead and maybe a few tear drops beneath your eyes. See how well that goes over on your interview at a Fortune 500 company. There are times when these tattoos are actually beneficial. If I was running a chop shop or was in the market for an arsonist then the guy at the left would be at the top of my list. Unless you are a porn star then you really should care about what ends up on your face. I have a lot more to say about this but I’m late for my tongue piercing.
We all are pretty much aware of the hype about the Mayan calendar and how this is supposed to be the final year that this planet survives. I didn’t buy into any of it but if you assess the happenings of the past month you may be changing your mind as well.
John Travolta, the guy that broke women’s hearts in Saturday Night Fever, has been accused of groping the packages of three different men during a massage. Just a few years ago we would teach abstinence in our schools to prevent teen pregnancy….now Teen Mom’s are big stars on TV. Women that had anger issues and drinking problems are the type of people you would expect men to avoid—-now they are referred to as “Real Housewives.” We had a guy in Miami that was nude and eating the freaking FACE off of a homeless guy and some guy in New Jersey was throwing his own intestines at the police.
The biggest city in our country is gonna limit the size of soft drinks because they are concerned about our health yet you can still buy an extra-large pizza with triple cheese. Next thing ya know detainees at Guantanamo Bay will claim to have been tortured by Sesame Street characters. What??? They have???? Time for me to get ready for a garage sale because it seems like we have about six months left.
Take a look at the items to the left. Do you know what they are? At first it looks like those water rockets you would play with as a kid but that is FAAAAAR from the truth. This apparatus is called a Post-T-Vac. When I hear that term I think of a vacuum cleaner that sweeps up unwanted post-it notes. Wrong you are again Robin. Lately I have been suffering from insomnia so that means I am exposed to a lot of infomercials for late night TV. The other night I saw the infomercial for the Post-T-Vac. I found a two-minute video that pretty much explains its purpose. Click HERE.
Yup….this thing and its accoutrements are to be put on your male member. It promises to show results in four minutes. There is NO WAY I’m putting my manhood in this salad shredder. Did you look at the commercial? Who ARE these people. I PRAY these guys have erectile dysfunction because there is no way we want these couples procreating unless we wanna go back to Darwin’s waiting room.
They also say that the Post-T-Vac is covered by insurance. Really? You wanna make that call to Blue Cross? “Hello Blue Cross?? Dick Limpy here. I need you guys to fork over some cash so I can stuff my over cooked noodle in a small vacuum cleaner. Hello? Hello??” They also claim it’s “clinically proven.” I know times are tough but I don’t wanna be working in THAT clinic. These dudes coming in sticking their magic sticks inside a sucking beaker until they get it right? Show me how the guys that were part of that study are walking today. I bet they look like a pirate looking for his parrot.
They also promise that it’s “delivered discretely” and it’s “100% guaranteed.” Well good God I would hope so. I don’t need my Fed Ex guy ringing the doorbell, asking me to sign for my package and saying “Use this pen because it’s probably the only hard thing you’ll put in your hand for awhile.” About that 100% guarantee. Do you really wanna be working in the mail room when the returns come in? That job may actually be worse than when they conducted the “clinical study.”
I could say more but I need to do my “Total Insanity” workout and put some “Wen” in my hair.