late night tv

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Take a look at the items to the left.  Do you know what they are?  At first it looks like those water rockets you would play with as a kid but that is FAAAAAR from the truth.  This apparatus is called a Post-T-Vac.  When I hear that term I think of a vacuum cleaner that sweeps up unwanted post-it notes.  Wrong you are again Robin.  Lately I have been suffering from insomnia so that means I am exposed to a lot of infomercials for late night TV.  The other night I saw the infomercial for the Post-T-Vac.  I found a two-minute video that pretty much explains its purpose.  Click HERE.

Yup….this thing and its accoutrements are to be put on your male member.  It promises to show results in four minutes.  There is NO WAY I’m putting my manhood in this salad shredder.  Did you look at the commercial?  Who ARE these people.  I PRAY these guys have erectile dysfunction because there is no way we want these couples procreating unless we wanna go back to Darwin’s waiting room.

They also say that the Post-T-Vac is covered by insurance.  Really?  You wanna make that call to Blue Cross?  “Hello Blue Cross??  Dick Limpy here.  I need you guys to fork over some cash so I can stuff my over cooked noodle in a small vacuum cleaner.  Hello?  Hello??”  They also claim it’s “clinically proven.”  I know times are tough but I don’t wanna be working in THAT clinic.  These dudes coming in sticking their magic sticks inside a sucking beaker until they get it right?  Show me how the guys that were part of that study are walking today.  I bet they look like a pirate looking for his parrot.

They also promise that it’s “delivered discretely” and it’s “100% guaranteed.”  Well good God I would hope so.  I don’t need my Fed Ex guy ringing the doorbell, asking me to sign for my package and saying “Use this pen because it’s probably the only hard thing you’ll put in your hand for awhile.”  About that 100% guarantee.  Do you really wanna be working in the mail room when the returns come in?  That job may actually be worse than when they conducted the “clinical study.”

I could say more but I need to do my “Total Insanity” workout and put some “Wen” in my hair.

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I’m a dude so I am always intrigued and confused by the actions of the opposite sex.  Last night I woke up to a commercial for something called a “Tri-Phoria.”  I think most men have never attended a bridal shower so we tend to believe what we see on TV is proper representation of what we haven’t experienced.

I’m thinking this “Tri-Phoria” is some sort of blender with three speeds.  In a way I was right but you’re not making a batter you’re battering yourself.  You really need to watch this video.  Watch it HERE.

“Blow your hair back?”  Isn’t that what a stylist does?  I’m so confused.  Never in the throngs of passion have I ever heard the fairer sex yell “BLOW MY HAIR BACK!!” 

My confusion continues :50 into the commercial when she shares with her fiance’ what she received at the bridal shower.  She asks him if he remembers the massager that HE talked about.  Memo to the ladies:  If your man is talking about a “Tri-Phoria” he probably isn’t playing “Texas Hold ‘Em” when he has a “night out with the boys.” 

Lastly I have to point out his REACTION to his lady receiving THREE  Tri-Phorias.  He responds like he won fifty-yard line seats to the Super Bowl.  Three Tri-Phorias in a house with two people?  I’m able to do the math.  I wouldn’t be jumping up and down in euphoria, I’d be looking for a chair and a seat belt!  Tonight when I go to sleep with the television on…I’m gonna make sure to set the timer!