I like sports bars. The conversations I find myself involved in seldom resolve around sports. This past weekend we decided to tackle the perplexing question of “Who is the biggest douche-bag in the world?” Sadly, many qualified nominees come to mind. Mel Gibson; I say that was a meltdown we’ll never see again so in my book one incident doesn’t make a douche-bag. Disappear for awhile and people will forget everything. Just ask Michael Richards….whenever he decides to reappear.
Kim Kardashian? Annoying but not a douche-bag. She over-stayed her welcome and married a cave-man. At least Reggie Bush has played better since she became single. Andy Dick? Ohhh. Much better choice. Andy constantly reinvents ways to get arrested and into the news for the wrong reason. This is a guy that got thrown out of a PORN AWARDS SHOW! I can’t argue a vote for Andy Dick just like I can’t argue a vote for Guns and Roses front-man Axl Rose. How can a man with a page called “Axl Rose is an Asshole” on Facebook NOT be considered for biggest douche ever?
As you can see I have given this some thought!! There is only one person that I feel good about as a douche. I gotta vote for Michael Lohan. Its bad enough he IS a douche but he REALIZES he’s a douche and he continues to do “douchey” things. If you want to fix things with your daughter don’t try and do it in the press by pointing a finger at her. Stop dating twenty year olds. YOU are a mess so any woman who wants anything to do with you is a mess as well. Don’t be surprised when SHE acts like looney-tune because that is what you attract. Get out of that wheel chair, stop screaming “victim”, and make something out of your life! Ahhhhhh….the life-coach of Michael Lohan. THAT would be a task…….
Last Thursday I had a date with a man. I didn’t know what he would look like but I was sooooo excited for his arrival. I didn’t care that there were other people he needed to satisfy before me. He wasn’t even able to give me an exact time when he would see me. I was told he would be at my house between 2PM and 5PM. That was good enough for me. I had a date with……..THE CABLE GUY!!!!
At 1:45PM I started to get nervous. “He’ll be here soon,” I thought to myself. He was to install high-speed internet so I cleaned my office and made my bed. I took a quick shower and sat down in front of the TV to pass the time. Every fifteen minutes I would get up, go to the window, part the blinds and look down the street to see if he was about to turn into my driveway. Nothing. 4PM shows up. No cable guy. I didn’t want to call the company and look desperate but this is rude. How about a call saying you are running late???
At exactly 4:57PM the doorbell rang. It was him. He was here for me. FINALLY. I opened the door and let him in. I was a little upset with him showing up at the last-minute so I was less than cordial. I sat on the couch while he did his thing. Fifteen minutes later he was gone. No handshake. No plans to get together again. No promise to call. No champagne. No caviar. I didn’t care. He used me and I used him. I had high-speed internet. I was satisfied.
Then I got to thinking: “What if my cable guy was Ray-J?” I could have been a Kardashian!!! Then I thought of what Kim had to do to be famous and I was just happy being on YouTube!!
What the hell has happened to our country? No one speaks the truth anymore. Everyone is afraid of offending someone. How can we effectively communicate with one another when we are not being completely honest? Opinions are just the thoughts of an individual. They are similar to feelings. To that particular individual they CAN’T be wrong. We don’t have to agree with one another but let’s at least cut the bulls**t and be honest. I’m gonna list five topics and give you my honest opinion on each. Perhaps this will get the honesty ball rolling.
1) KIM KARDASHIAN: She got famous for what she put IN her mouth as opposed to the nonsense that comes out of her mouth. She’ll never get married to this basketball player and she has a fat ass. Because of her massive Twitter following she IS influencial. God help us.
2) PRESIDENT OBAMA: He’s a great speaker but so was my priest back in Cleveland and my priest would have no business being President. I wish he’d just admit he talked his way into office and not run in 2012. Give me a guy with a stuttering problem and a crappy wardrobe as long as he can rescue a business. America IS a business and it’s a business in BIG trouble.
3) AFFIRMATIVE ACTION: This is a joke and it’s racist. Hire the best person for the job. It really is that simple. Imagine applying affirmative action to the NBA. Does THAT put it in perspective for you?
4) BI-LINGUAL SOCIETY: This is crap. We are in America and you speak English. Don’t make me push a special button at the ATM to receive instructions in English. I am a HUGE proponent of tradition. Speak your native language inside your home but learn english like my great grand parents had to do.
5) CORPORAL PUNISHMENT: Smack away. I didn’t say abuse I said smack. No one knows what “hot” really is until you put your hand on the stove. You say “no” to me and I still think it’s a “maybe.” Pull out the strap or wooden spoon and put that to use and I understand the meaning of the word “no.”
There ya go. My thoughts may not be popular but at least you know how I feel. Will YOU be honest today?