We all have been through the car buying experience and the competition to get your business is very high. This is the reason thousands of dollars are spent in your city by local dealerships to convince you to walk inside their showroom. I have been involved in the media business for many years and I will never understand the car dealer that insists on doing his own commercial because, quite frankly, you look like a goofball.
You know what I am referring to. On St. Patrick’s Day he dresses like a Leprechaun. On Christmas he’s in a Santa suit and his brother is dressed as an elf. On Valentine’s Day he may even dress as Cupid and shoot an “arrow of savings LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!” That’s another thing they do….they freaking yell at you. You are not cutting a commercial for Wrestlemania you own a freaking car lot. Are you gonna scream at me when I walk in the door? If that’s the case I may as well buy a car from my mother as I walk out of my door with a wet head.
“At (insert car dealership name here) WE HAVE GONE CRAZY!!” Really? Then I would suggest a trip to the psychiatrist to get some proper meds because I don’t want you sitting next to me during a test drive frothing at the mouth with a switchblade in your pants pocket.
And while I’m on a roll let me address the giant inflatable King Kong that some dealerships insist on placing on top of their roof. First of all King Kong is not real. Secondly a balloon serves the purpose of putting a smile on the face of a young child so if this is your strategy to attract your target customer I’m quite confident they are not carrying a Mensa card. That’s my service to the public for today….perhaps tomorrow I’ll address the Chuck Norris Total Gym.
Sexting. I just don’t get it. It makes about as much sense to me as sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman at a movie theatre. Call me spoiled but I discovered streaming video on the internet a long time ago so I don’t think a few dirty words with a hash tag is gonna stiffen my putter.
Of course we’re talking about this nonsense again because Anthony Weiner is back at his old tricks again but he takes it to a different level by including a picture of his junk. There are a lot of check points this process has to go through before one hits send and I shudder in confusion that his “idea” passed through all of them.
The penis is not pretty. It kind of looks like an index finger missing a nail. There is a reason why it is kept beneath underwear and pants AND a zipper to keep it from public viewing. The only time it should be illuminated is when you are using it for waste removal purposes behind a closed-door otherwise the penis is meant to be nocturnal.
Let’s review the process that Anthony Weiner must have gone through to sext a picture of his manhood: 1) Drop pants and expose penis 2) Grab iPhone and focus on the “subject” 3) Take a few pictures of your penis to get the “right one” 4) Maybe Instagram it a bit for effect 5) Hit send.
At what point during this process does “BAD IDEA” enter into one’s mind? Apparently with Anthony Weiner this never happened and he just sat there waiting for a reply. That to me is the along the same line as a guy being naked and playing with puppets….it’s FREAKING creepy!!
So the next time ya get pissed at a friend for texting you a picture of some crappy salad they made with feta cheese on top….just remember…it could be worse.
Something weird going on in that Mystery Machine van in the cartoon series Scooby-Doo. If that were a real van with real people they’d be spending some serious time in a rubber room with Amanda Bynes weaving baskets out of cooked spaghetti.
By my observations we have two occupants that practice an alternative lifestyle. First on my list is Fred although I think he’s in the closet but that Ascot isn’t fooling anyone. When’s the last time you saw a guy in an Ascot that didn’t enjoy a good rave, an art show, small portions of food and would dance with their hands above their head. Throw in the fact that he hasn’t ever tried to cop a feel off Daphne and I’m gonna lay my card on the “gayness” pile.
Velma pretty much is a given. I see how she looks at Daphne although Daphne is just too lipstick for her. Ya just know if the Scooby Doo kids ever had to play the Harlem Globetrotters in a game of softball, Velma would be the star. I also heard she drives a Subaru outside of the van and if ya look closely when they are being chased by ghosts you can see a pair of Birkenstocks on her feet.
Daphne has to be a major high maintenance headache. I think the only reason she stays on the show is her thinking this will lead to a role on “The Real Housewives.” Ya know when they are on a road trip all she does is thumb down pages in the Nordstrom catalogue and keep whining about stopping for sushi.
Finally there is Shaggy and Scooby. We know Shaggy always stays in the back of the van so he can keep puffing on that one hitter and pilfer Scooby’s Scooby Snacks. I bet the only thing ya find in his pants pocket is a pack of Zig-Zags and a hackey sack. Scooby? The freaking dog talks and everyone is just fine with that. Pull over that Peter Max mobile and google directions to New York City because I guarantee you’re gonna win “Stupid Pet Tricks” on Lettermen when Scooby recites the Gettysburg Address.
Now don’t get me started on Magilla Gorilla……
Danny Czekalinski does a live weekly internet radio show at mysourceradio.com Archives of the show can be heard HERE
Every day we are confronted with decisions. Sometimes we make good ones and sometimes we make bad ones. That’s just the way of life. I have made MANY mistakes in my time on earth but I can honestly tell you I never woke up and declared “today is the day will finally get my neck tattoo.” If I need open heart surgery and Dr. Feelgood has a neck tattoo saying “Delicious” I’m gonna make sure someone else cuts me open. If I need someone to stand up for me in the court of law I don’t think the guy with “Judge This” on his neck is gonna have any pull with the man in the black robe.
If ya wanna get back in the stupidity line for extra credit then by all means feel free to add a tat on your forehead and maybe a few tear drops beneath your eyes. See how well that goes over on your interview at a Fortune 500 company. There are times when these tattoos are actually beneficial. If I was running a chop shop or was in the market for an arsonist then the guy at the left would be at the top of my list. Unless you are a porn star then you really should care about what ends up on your face. I have a lot more to say about this but I’m late for my tongue piercing.
I live in a gated community where no one has a mailbox at the end of their driveway. We all have a central area where everyone has their own box and a key to open the box and retrieve their mail. This would seem like a great gig for anyone that works for the Postal Service since they stay in one central area, don’t have to drive door to door and basically just stay in an air-conditioned building and sort through the mail and stick the contents in their specific slot. Well this is not the case with Delores.
Delores has yelled…yes I do mean yelled….at me because I don’t stop by to pick up my mail every day. Look….I don’t subscribe to any magazines so the only mail I receive is my bills and junk mail that I don’t want to get anyhow. I was pretty sick about two weeks ago and didn’t stop to get my mail for one week. I was expecting to get yelled at again but I wasn’t prepared for what Delores had done. I opened my mail box and nothing was there except a neon yellow slip marked “VACANT.” I was confused. I didn’t know what that meant. I knocked on the door where the postal workers are and fully expected Delores to come at me with a spear but it was her day off and she wasn’t there. When I explained my ongoing problem with Delores to one of her co-workers and showed him my neon yellow slip all he could mutter was “That’s not good.”
I was informed that “VACANT” tells anyone that is sending me something in the mail that I have LEFT my house and did not supply a forwarding address. That means I had to go home and call ALL of my services….satellite TV, cable, phone company, water etc. to let them know I hadn’t skipped town. Anyone that has called any of these services knows that you don’t get right through…there is a tremendous amount of time on hold listening to a long oboe solo. To say I’m angry is an understatement. I want my justifiable revenge but this is a government agency and I almost feel helpless.
Any suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated. In the meantime….I’m afraid as the customer….I am about to go POSTAL!
Today is a big day if you like to partake in the inhalation of marijuana. The time of 4:20 PM was singled out as the appropriate time during the day to smoke the wacky weed by an editor of High Times. Although I don’t smoke pot myself I have in the past and I am a huge advocate of the legalization of marijuana. Our prisons are filled with people that have consumed and sold something that is legal in some states. That seems like a silly and huge contradiction to me.
Opponents of the legalization of marijuana will argue that it’s a “gateway drug” that will lead to experimentation and abuse of other drugs. Let me set the record straight: It leads you to the gateway of Pizza and Funions. Legalization of pot would have a drastic effect on this country. Video game sales would skyrocket and furniture stores would experience a record amount of sofa and recliner sales. The police would not be happy as there never would be another speeding ticket written again. The speed limit on the highways would have to be reduced to 35 miles an hour. Imagine how much fuel we would conserve.
Legalize weed and your husband will never say to you “There’s nothing to eat in this house.” He’ll grab an onion, two slices of bread, some chocolate syrup and a can of tuna and proudly proclaim he has discovered “the greatest sandwich in the world!” The divorce rate would decrease dramatically as your fights would go like this: SHE: “Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take out the trash?” HE: “I’m not sure.” SHE: “Me either. Where are the Doritoes.”
So if you happen to be driving this afternoon around 4:20PM and it seems like there aren’t a lot of people on the road, don’t worry, they’ll all be at The Golden Corral.