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presidents day

So today is President’s Day.  How are ya supposed to celebrate it?  I even know that on Arbor Day you are supposed to plant a tree but it doesn’t seem to make any sense to go out and buy a mattress on Presidents Day.  My parents spent a fortune on braces so I don’t have the need for wooden teeth and I don’t think it would be a good idea to go to the theater today and sit in the balcony and wait for a disgruntled actor to pop off a round in my direction.

I could honor Gerald Ford by falling down the stairs but I currently don’t have medical coverage and I can break a bone just by sneezing so that’s not a good idea either.  I could make the Bill Clinton fans happy by grabbing a cigar and throwing an intern under my desk but I live alone and spend most of my free time looking for work so that’s not gonna happen either.

I considered honoring that liar Richard Nixon by walking up to random women here in West Palm Beach and telling them I am a millionaire and a super model in Europe but that would entail me leaving the house and traveling more than my safe haven of three miles.  I think the only thing I really can do is wash my bedding and maybe throw in a few extra dryer sheets.  Happy President’s Day.

 

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I saw an article recently where baby alligators are the hottest thing at pool parties.  Read article HERE.  I know the kids may be getting sick of the water slide and the bounce house but what the hell are people thinking?  These poor gators have their mouths duck taped shut and these rug rats are dragging them around the pool like a floatie.  I assume the little gator has a memory and if I were him I couldn’t wait until I put on a few pounds and was able to even the score with little Suzy.

This is the thought process that leads to adults thinking they can walk into the bear cage at the zoo and become Dr. Doolittle.  It has to suck being the bear all day having a bunch of people with the mentality of a flat-tire trying to get the bear to sit on his hind legs and wave  for a few peanuts.  I always cheer for the bear and the lions when someone thinks they need to be a little closer to nature.  There is a reason for the fence there Einstein.  We have a population problem on this planet and I do believe those that venture into cages with lions and bears are truly doing their part in making a little more room for all of us.

Getting back to the gators…in Florida we have a one in twenty-four million chance of being attacked by a gator.  Those odds will go up if ya swim where they swim and if ya bring them into the pool…I’d say the odds even get better.  Parents….kids make enough bad decisions on their own so please don’t agree to having baby gators swim at your next pool party.  The only exception would be if you hired a clown.  It’s fine by me if ya feed HIM to the gators.

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I don’t understand “comic book people.”  I probably would be a bit concerned about my own mental capacity if I DID but I do wonder what these people are thinking.  Don’t get me wrong I was a HUGE fan of comic books.  I was also EIGHT YEARS OLD at the time.  I loved “Heckle and Jeckle” and “Scrooge McDuck” but eventually I put those comic books aside because I realized ducks don’t wear tiny spectacles and can’t become  freaking millionaires.

Comic book people eventually graduate to reading about super-heroes.  I suppose this is really the only option they have other than playing World of Warcraft and popping accutane.  Life really is an uphill struggle during the adolescent years for the “comic book person.”  Chances are they also wear braces with rubber bands, play the violin in orchestra and at night they have to put on the “head-gear.”  Just picturing this person makes me visualize him having his underwear yanked to the heavens by the captain of the football team during a class change.  So ya have a tough three years in high school.  Get over it.  It’s just a small slice of your lifetime.  Once ya graduate a funny thing happens……..ya get a clean slate!!!!

True “comic book people” screw up this golden opportunity and take the nerd train for a few more stops.  Some will join Revolutionary War recreation groups.  Some will play Dungeons and Dragons and some are beyond help or any type of logical judgement as they will dress up as their favorite super-hero or villain and actually go out in PUBLIC!!  Let me address these Super Nerds right now:  Look….you are NOT a Storm Trooper, Klingon, Chewbacca or one of the Avengers.  You are a freaking adult.  Adults don’t wear masks or capes.  Star Wars, Star Track, Bat-Man, Iron-Man and Wonder Woman NEVER happened.  It’s NOT real so stop making yourself look like a complete clown-ass at the age of thirty-five.  While I’m on a roll may I suggest it’s also time to move out of your parent’s house!

I think I have made my point and have vented enough.  I’m gonna go play Madden on X-Box.  I’m on the team ya know……

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There are a lot of things in this world I don’t understand and no matter how hard I try I don’t think some will ever become clear to me.  The Running of the Bulls is one of those things.  This annual event kicked off today with the first of eight runs with six powerful bulls chasing thousands of people through the streets of Pamplona.  I have never really seen a bull up close but I know he has two sharp horns protruding from his head, he weighs a hell of a lot more than me and I really believe I should stay the hell out of his way at all times.

I should also point out that I am an animal lover.  Maybe not a 100% animal lover because I hate spiders, I’m not fond of snakes and possums are kind of prissy and for their size I think they need a serious attitude adjustment.  Bulls get a bad rap.  No one likes someone who is “bull-headed” and no one is a fan of “bullshit” but what did the bulls do to be teased and tormented like this?  Imagine being caged up with five of your buddies and a bunch of drunken, screaming lunatics are running circles around you down a cobblestone road in the heat of summer.  I don’t know about you but I would be a bit pissed and want to put those horns on my dome to use.

Since they started keeping records in 1924 fifteen people have been gored to death by the bulls.  I wish I could be the coach of these bulls because I think they can do much better than that.  Today six people were injured including a 73 year-old that was gored.   That’s right a 73 year-old.  Usually you stop being a dumb ass when you retire and just piss people off by not knowing how to drive and taking too much time at the post office.

Well there are seven more runs to go and I hope you’ll join me in cheering “Let’s Go Bulls!!!!”

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I knew what I wanted to do when I was thirteen years old growing up just outside of Cleveland, Ohio.  I used to listen to Pete Franklin on WWWE talking sports EVERY night.  Then I listened to those silly FM air-personalities in the morning and they seemed to be having soooo much fun.  The one thing I never liked on the radio was music.  I took up time for what I wanted to do.  I wanted to talk to people, laugh, make people react, learn something, teach something, share something but most of all INVOLVE the listeners.  Sadly….today we call that facebook.

I don’t care about the song of the day, the high-low cash game, the phrase that pays, the secret sound, “Horriblescopes” or “Dirt-Alerts.”  I have enough drama in my life so why do I need to know which Real Housewife is in re-hab, which one got arrested, which one got a black eye, how big her engagement ring is or what she looks like in South Beach in a bikini?  It’s embarrassing to say….but somewhere I actually grew up.  I’m not ashamed to admit I like that “Call Me Maybe” song.  I don’t know who sings it.  I don’t care.  I just know that her mp3 is inside my smart phone and I can listen to it when I want to.

I worry….I worry a lot.  I used to be a real jerk…maybe I still am.  I never really paid attention in school because I just wanted to make people laugh.  Now I’m obsessed with knowledge, I have become a news junkie and I really try to think of others before myself (I’ll admit that I’m not really fond of that).  I love sports bars for two reasons….I love sports and I love beer.  I ride a Harley, have a few crazy tattoos and I really believe the government does not have our best interests in mind.  I was a selfish boyfriend/husband and now that I have my act together I couldn’t care less about dating.  I’ve made more mistakes in life than you have but I also know that has provided me with incredible stories.

Many nice people have offered me jobs in great cities playing ten songs an hour,  I’d be able to make great money but would it be fair to them or more importantly to who I am and what I want to do to take that job?  Integrity has become important to me.  I can’t lie to them and I can’t lie to myself.  All these “experts” will say ‘People wanna hear music.’  Really?  I think they are wrong. People want to communicate.  They want to be heard.  People want to contribute.  How much music are you getting on facebook?  How many songs are played on Twitter?  I’m not down on radio at all.  I see an INCREDIBLE opportunity.  Radio needs to ENGAGE the listener.  React in some way.  Laugh, agree, disagree, get mad,think back to a memory, relate, learn something….I’m rambling now but I guess this is more like one of those word documents ya get in a holiday card every year that tells ya what that status of someone’s family is.  This is where I came from, this is what I am about,and this is where I am determined to go.   Thanks for reading. 🙂

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At this writing THREE people have now come forward saying John Travolta wanted his male masseuse to give him some extra service.   There is something seriously wrong when anyone can say anything about anyone and there are no repercussions on those filing false claims.   John Travolta has a ton of cash.  If he wants someone to yank and pull on his Barbarino he’s not gonna approach someone he doesn’t know on a cruise.  There is too  much to lose.

One accuser said Travolta allegedly offered him  $12,000 for gay sex.  That is such a random number it further facilitates my belief that this is all a bunch of bullshit.  Where does THAT number come from?  I’ve never been involved in a bidding war for gay sex but I imagine it would be in incriminates of fives and tens.  The only way I see $12,000 being made as an offer is if was a compromise.  Travolta offered ten grand, cabin boy wanted fifteen, so then the next offer would be $12,500.  See…..it’s STILL not twelve grand.

I try to put myself in the position of the masseuse to see how I would handle the situation.  If I’m giving Travolta a deep tissue massage and he rolls over with an erection that would cut through steel and starts lumbering towards me like a bear I exit the scene.  I’m not sticking around to find out how this story ends.  There is no discussion about money.  There isn’t an opportunity for him to ask for a hug.  Start rolling the credits people because I’m not gonna be around when he asks me “Ya wanna know what I mean by Face-Off????”

No go pick on the Kardashians….at least they deserve it.

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The ass-hat that is pictured to the left has a legal name of Metta World Peace.  His birth name was Ron Artest but evidently that wasn’t acceptable for this clown so he legally changed his name in September of 2011.  Metta…or World Peace….or Mr. Peace…..whatever ya wanna call this dipstick should simply change his name to what best describes him:  Big A$$hole!  He has been suspended from the NBA for seven games for throwing an elbow into the face of an opponent.  It wasn’t even close to being  accidental and it certainly wasn’t something you would expect from a guy that took the legal last name of “World Peace.”  See video HERE.

This name changing thing has become quite common among athletes.  I understand it when it has to do with a change in religion like Muhammad Ali or Kareem-Abdul-Jabbar but I think your credibility takes a hit when you change your name from Chad Johnson to Chad Ochocinco.  I can understand not liking your name and feeling a need to change it if it was Howie Feltersnatch but if swimmer Misty Hyman can refrain from changing HER name then I think Prince…or LoveSymbol…or whatever he thinks his name should be…. ought to get back on stage and sing “Let’s Go Crazy.”

Perhaps the biggest offender of the name change thing is Sean Combs.  Compared to MY last name this is a walk in the park.  You never get to experience the look of confusion on the face of the lady at the doctor’s office when she opens the door to the waiting room to call your name when it’s “Combs.”  So far Sean Combs has changed his name to Puff Daddy, P-Diddy and just plain old Diddy.  How ridiculous is this?  Ya wanna impress me?   Change your name to “P-Myself” so we all can have a good laugh when you appear on the Tonight Show and they announce your name next to Dame Helen Mirren.   I could go on all day but I have a call holding from a Dixie Recht.

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The guy pictured to the left is former quarterback Joe Theisman.  He used to play for the Washington Redskins and at one time was in a long-term relationship with Cathy Lee Crosby.  I have weird sleeping patterns and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I  see all kinds of silly commercials for all kinds of silly products.  Joe Theisman is currently pitching a product called “Super Beta Prostate.”  You MUST watch the video for this product and listen to Joe share with all of us the reason why he needs it.  Click to see video HERE.

Joe now does play-by-play of NFL games and according to this video the first thing he does when he enters a stadium is find the closest bathroom in case he has that “sudden urge to go.”  Did he actually negotiate that in his contract?  Now when I listen to his play-by-play and I don’t hear him for 30 seconds am I supposed to wonder if it’s because his “prostate is giving him fits?”  How about the doctor in this video that actually asks “do ya wanna stronger urine flow?”  Look….I have a lot of things on my bucket list….a stronger urine flow is not one of them.  Where does that come in handy?  I don’t see myself fighting off potential gropers in a Turkish bath with my “stronger urine flow.”

Joe actually says, “My wife and I sleep better and I wake up feeling younger.”  I’m sure she DOES sleep better.  It’s hard to relax and go to sleep not knowing if there is gonna be an eruption from a urine geyser.  Too bad he wasn’t a spokesman for this product during his playing days.  Who would wanna tackle him???  He’d be running all over the field looking like he was a broken sprinkler head.

I’m  still a fan of Joe Theisman but I can assure ya one thing; IF I ever meet him I won’t be shaking his hand!

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I was raised Catholic so Easter was kind of big deal to me as a kid but there are so many things that didn’t make sense to me then and they surely don’t now.  It started on Good Friday when my mother would make me come inside the house between 1-3PM because “that is the time Jesus died.”  With leap years and Daylight Savings Time over the past two thousand years shouldn’t Good Friday actually be before Valentines Day?  How does sitting downstairs silently for two hours on a sunny Friday afternoon give me a higher place in heaven?  I don’t think the secret to everlasting life can be found being quiet and lazy.

Easter Sunday was a big deal.  This is the day that Jesus rose from the dead.  I would think that if this occurred today it would be the main topic on CNN and they would call in Wolf Blitzer for a special Sunday edition of “The Situation Room.”   I can even see Nancy Grace yelling at Jesus, “C’mon!  Do REALLY expect me to believe that you moved that rock all by yourself!!!!!!!

So we have this wonderful man who was without sin and died on the cross for all of us so we can have everlasting life and the way we show our thanks is by hiding hard-boiled eggs inside our house?  I sure hope the Cadbury family is giving thanks to Jesus because he made them millionaires.  What’s with the bunny?  I mean seriously…the Easter Bunny is one step below a clown on my creep-o-meter.  I remember watching rabbits appear at dusk in my backyard as a kid and I would NEVER be able to get within 20 yards of them.  The Easter Bunny is so tall he could play point guard on most NBA teams, he walks on two feet, doesn’t hop, and he likes to hug and shake hands.  Something is not making sense here.  Try bringing the Easter bunny to church with ya one day and see how quickly the cops show up.   Instead of gnawing on a leg of lamb you and your bunny friend will be in a rubber room weaving baskets out of cooked spaghetti.

I hope you and your family have a Happy Easter….that’s all for now…I think the tooth fairy is at my door.