Current Events

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chicken headI was gonna go to bed but I ran across a story of a voodoo chicken head closing a road here in Florida.  This creates so many questions in my mind I can’t sleep.

Where do you buy this chicken head?  “Just Chickenheads.”  “Everything is a Chickenhead.”  I can’t even imagine what my local butcher would say if I walked in and asked for a full house of chicken heads.

How do you carry this chicken head with you?  Chicken head holster?  In that compartment with a zipper in your purse?  Money clip?  Although I think the chicken head would slip out of the money clip.  Makes for an embarrassing situation at Nordstrom when checking out and the hot blonde behind you, stops, points and says “Is that your chicken head?”

I’m single and live alone.  I have had a crazy life.  I have seen and done many things I don’t recommend.  I can assure you that I have never had a chicken head on my person, in my house or even in my hand.  If someone were to try to hand me one I am confident that I would not pause in my retort; “WTF would I want with that.  It’s a chicken head.”

In this new leaf I have turned over I am trying to see good over the bad, the positive over the negative, etc.  So if chickenheads are your thing have a good time—it could be worse…you could be a beef or fish lover.

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clown lebronI’m an idiot.  I have spent the past day listening to sports talk radio in Cleveland and Miami about the Lebron James situation:  which city will he choose to play for?  In the end it really is insignificant based on the fact that Hamas and Israel are bombing the shit out of each other but I am intrigued by the fact that so many people are interested in this and it’s being covered by every single media outlet.

Let’s not forget I am from Cleveland.  I love and miss my hometown.  I have and always will be a fan of all Cleveland sports teams.  LeBron is gonna make nearly $21 million bucks in either city to throw a ball in a basket.  Let’s not forget all the money he’ll make in endorsements.  LeBron is not just a player he is a brand.   So why hold two cities hostage by dragging out your decision?  Simple:  He’s a jackass!

Sociopath, narcissistic, selfish, bratty, punk, jerk, prima-donna…..any of the preceding words would fit but he also is the best basketball player on the planet.  If he returns to Cleveland I will not be cheering for him directly I will be cheering for my team like I do every year.

This country is falling apart, people are out of work, the middle class is disappearing, the Middle East is ready to implode, values and common courtesy towards fellow man are disappearing and I’m concerning myself about basketball player and where he will decide to make his millions.  Like I said….I’m an idiot.

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brazil violenceSo yesterday in the World Cup, hosting country Brazil was embarrassed by Germany 7-1.  To me…big deal…there has to be a  winner and a loser in any team competition but that wasn’t the case in Brazil.

Brazilians went nuts.  An announcement was made for German fans to stay inside the stadium so they could be escorted out for their safety.  Really?  If my country just got embarrassed on national TV the last thing I would wanna do is act like a bunch of crazies that escaped from Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory.

Brazil…ya lost.  How does setting a couch on fire in a furniture store change that?  I’m a Browns fan…I can’t imagine how many cars I would have flipped over in my lifetime if I acted like these idiots.  One of my complaints about soccer is that it’s so boring because no one scores.  Yesterday was exciting for me because I saw a shitload of goals but I never expected what I watched.  I’d understand walking out of the stadium with my head hung low and maybe stopping for a few post game brews to drown my sorrows but the last thing I’d expect is someone grabbing a 55 gallon drum on fire and tossing it through a coffee shop’s window.

I take back my original thought when the World Cup began a few weeks ago….soccer isn’t boring at all.

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im crazyI’m not crazy I just lay everything on the table and am brutally honest.  I was on a job interview a week ago and the General Manager asked, what I think, is a silly question:  “Why do you want this job?”  I told the truth “Because right now you are doing it all wrong.”

I have OCD, clinically diagnosed, and that’s no secret to those that know me.  I’m an expert at making eggs sunny side up.  I have to eat around the yolk because I need to put the entire unbroken yolk in my mouth at once…told ya life with me is a day at the fun house.

I wasn’t blessed with a hairless body and sometimes there is a need to shave portions of my back.  Let me tell you there is no way to look cool and attempt to remove these unwanted patches.  I swear I’m gonna dislocate my shoulder one of these days.

I floss with dental tape (not floss) at least five times a day and I think the feeling of a Q-Tip with warm water in my ear is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

It bothers me when  people on morning TV say “As you head out the door this morning….”—-where else are you gonna vacate your home?  Ya gonna rappel down the side of your house from your second story window?

I love the smell of a magic marker.  I believe you need to have Glass Plus within reach at all times.  I have a King Size bed with a sleep number mattress…..I don’t sleep in my bed.  I sleep on the couch and MUST have a TV on 24 hours a day.

I really get pissed when someone is mean to an older person.  Old people have knowledge….talk to them…they have many answers we seek.

I have never owned a bathrobe and I never will unless I decide to go after a black belt in karate.  When I see televised arm wrestling I assume those that are watching are never gonna be able to split an atom.

I live alone so I spend most of my day in my boxers…..only bad thing about that is Tuesday and Friday nights when I wheel out my garbage….sorry neighbors…just look away.

I could go on…but ya just might think I’m crazy.

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psychicSomeone recently told me I should see a psychic to help me in my job search.  I didn’t want to be rude so I just didn’t respond.  A psychic has mastered the art of bullshit.  I don’t blame him/her for what they do and if you wanna throw your money at someone with a Magic 8 ball and a box of incense, by all means do it.

I don’t need a psychic to get a job….my resume speaks for itself but I can’t help but laugh when I see those “California Psychics” advertise on late night TV.  One guy says “My reader told me I was physically active and see’s me owning my own yoga studio one day.”  No shit Einstein you are dressed in a full body running suit with a sweat towel draped around your neck.

Women really seem to enjoy psychics and I think it’s because they make themselves easy to read.  It’s the jewelry.  Birthstone for month they were born, wedding ring or engagement ring for relationship status, heirloom ring usually on right hand.  We’re not talking rocket science here people.   For that matter I must be psychic because I see a nap in my future.

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usa SOCCER FANI’m watching the World Cup and I admit it and chances are you are as well….but be honest….the majority of us have not become “fans” of the sport.  We have jumped on the “Bandwagon” and that is something Americans have always loved to do.

Remember the two weeks after 9-11?  Everyone flying the American flag from  their cars and wearing NYPD hats?  President Bush had a 91% approval rating and the two-party system ceased to exist.   We truly were the “United States of America.”  Those days are long gone.  No one can talk politics in a civil matter and we haven’t learned a thing from that tragic day as we continue to stick our nose where it doesn’t belong.

So how does this relate to the World Cup?  The majority of people in this country  aren’t FANS of the game, we just wanna cheer for our country and there is nothing wrong with that at all.  Every time our team wins it does something right that makes us very proud inside—something this country has not done for me since the terrible day of 9-11.

Soccer is, was and will continue to be boring to watch.  The biggest story coming out of the World Cup was some guy biting another guy…..and this was the THIRD time he did it.  You bite me and I’m grabbing a grenade from one of the terrorists in the stands and I’m blowing that guy up like he’s in a “Hostel” movie.

I’d write more but the USA bandwagon is coming down my street and I need to jump on it.

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facebookI am a chronic facebooker.  I think it’s a great social media tool to stay in touch with friends, make new ones, and learn from others if you are open to a different opinion than yours.

Opinions can’t be wrong….they are just the way someone feels but the person that posts their opinion believes it to be true.  For instance:  I believe we never landed on the moon and the Shuttle missions were mainly used to deploy military spy and defense satellites.  A lot of people then would join the thread and call me crazy, paranoid, anti-American and probably an animal hater.  It’s just my opinion….no need to dink the hater-ade (although I AM right).

Some other random thoughts on facebook; people that use a picture of their pet or an avatar freak me out.  Checking into Wal-Mart is not a huge accomplishment.  If your kid is having a birthday then it’s obligatory to post a pic of your kid with cake on his face.  When someone switches their status to “in a relationship” I always wonder how long it will last until they change it to “single.”  There is no reason to poke anyone.  If I wanted to play “Candy Crush” I would already be playing…your invite doesn’t sway me.  I’ll look past the “toes in the sand” and the “I have a drink with a lot of fruit in it” because that is just to big of a battle to fight.

I could be wrong….but it’s just my opinion.

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Redskins Name FootballI’m not politically correct.  I’m 100% Polish and I LOVE a good Pollock joke.  I’m the last guy you would refer to as a racist and that’s probably why I don’t see what the big deal is about the Washington Redskin’s logo.

Some have said to me “How would you feel if a team were to be called “The Pollocks?”  I’d love it.   I can see people at a Pollock game yelling “What type of dumb play was that?”  I’d laugh and say “What do you expect from a team called The Pollocks?”

Again, my level of sensitivity to this subject is VERY low but I will tell ya what pisses me off:  Thanksgiving and Columbus Day.  Columbus was a very bad man.  In 1500, the Crown had him removed as governor, arrested, and transported in chains to Spain yet we have a day honoring him?

Thanksgiving?  The Pilgrims landed here, befriended the Native Americans and then took their land.  For this we have a four-day weekend and a giant parade.  Santa Claus is at the end of the parade so he must be after your casinos.

I completely understand those that take issue with Thanksgiving and Columbus Day but making such an issue of something on the side of a football helmet or a baseball cap?  I just don’t see it but would love to hear your comments.  Have a great weekend.

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soccer violenceUrine bomb.   Think about that.  Someone actually urinates in a  plastic bag, ties it off, and tries to smuggle a bag of piss into a stadium to throw on the opposition’s fans.  Who are these barbarians?  They are soccer fans.

The World Cup has begun this week and the silliness of soccer is on my mind.  A game can end 0-0.  After all that running and kicking there is no resolution.  No winner or loser.  Nothing.  THAT’S worthy of throwing a urine bomb at someone.

I’ll see that urine bomb and raise you a toilet.  Yes a freaking toilet.  Recently rebels inside the stadium unscrewed a toilet, passed it through the stands, then threw it over a ledge at fans of the opposing team.  Tragically a man was killed.  Killed by a flying toilet.  How would you like to explain that one to your life insurance agent?  What is the thought process here.  One guy yells “ I got me crescent wrench with me…let’s take the shitter from the loo and throw at  those fans.  Who’s with me?  Group responds “CHARGE!!!!!!!”

I’m going back to the couch to watch bowling.