This Country has become K-Mart—-ya can’t walk down an aisle without finding something broken. Anyone can walk into the White House. People are freaking about Ebola when roughly 36,000 die from the flu each year. The guy that was supervising a Haz-Mat team transporting an infected patient to a departing plane was in a short sleeve shirt carrying a clipboard and HE was in charge.
Over 48 million Americans live in poverty. No one says “please” or “thank you” any more. This week some college football players left a tip covered in feces. Let me break that down for ya; they must have wiped their ass with some currency and left it on the table. The middle class is evaporating like steam off a hot lunch. They drug test those looking for jobs but marijuana is legal in two states and medicinally 23 states have made it legal but this country has no problem dishing out Xanax and antidepressants like they are flying out of a broken Pez machine.
This week in Florida the two candidates for governor squared off in their first debate but one wouldn’t come out to start the debate because the other candidate had a fan under his podium. What is this a Van Halen concert rider? Get the other guy a freaking fan or if ya can’t find one take the fan away from the one that has it. The state of Florida is Darwin’s waiting room and we need to focus now more than ever on the issues. The sad fact is lobbyists control this country. Getting elected takes money and when you get into office you have to be a fool or in complete denial not to realize those big bucks sway votes.
So many brave men and women served in the military and countless gave their lives while in the line of duty. We owe it to the veterans to get our shit together and not worry about the size of a soft drink or the logo of a sports team. Wanna change the name of the team??? Buy the freaking team. Now my blood pressure is boiling and I don’t have health care because I am part of the record 92 million out of the work force. The American dream has turned into a nightmare…..better go and take my Xanax.
So today is President’s Day. How are ya supposed to celebrate it? I even know that on Arbor Day you are supposed to plant a tree but it doesn’t seem to make any sense to go out and buy a mattress on Presidents Day. My parents spent a fortune on braces so I don’t have the need for wooden teeth and I don’t think it would be a good idea to go to the theater today and sit in the balcony and wait for a disgruntled actor to pop off a round in my direction.
I could honor Gerald Ford by falling down the stairs but I currently don’t have medical coverage and I can break a bone just by sneezing so that’s not a good idea either. I could make the Bill Clinton fans happy by grabbing a cigar and throwing an intern under my desk but I live alone and spend most of my free time looking for work so that’s not gonna happen either.
I considered honoring that liar Richard Nixon by walking up to random women here in West Palm Beach and telling them I am a millionaire and a super model in Europe but that would entail me leaving the house and traveling more than my safe haven of three miles. I think the only thing I really can do is wash my bedding and maybe throw in a few extra dryer sheets. Happy President’s Day.
Last week we all had a good laugh when we found out that White House gate crasher/reality star Michaele Salahi left her husband for Neal Schon, lead guitarist of Journey. I gotta tell ya….this can happen to ANYONE!
It’s 1989 and I’m a hot rocking, flame throwing night-time DJ in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was dating this girl for a few weeks and I was going to impress her by taking her BACKSTAGE at the RATT/Cinderella concert. I know ladies….how could this NOT be anything BUT impressive. So….concert ends…we’re backstage…the bands are there…I am very impressed with how impressed my date, Dawn D., must be with me. I AM Danny Impressive. All hail ME!!!!! It’s now time to leave as the stage is being broken down so I look to find my date. Hmmmmmmm. No sign of Dawn. I corner a stage guy and asked if he saw the girl I was with. He said “Oh yeah…she and Freddy really hit it off..she left with him.”
LET ME CLARIFY THIS: Freddy is Fred Coury the drummer for Cinderella. He doesn’t commute. He is a drummer in a rock band that is on tour so basically my date dumped me and went on the road with Cinderella. As I drove home……alone….I told myself, “She’s in for a load of heart ache and STD’s. She’ll be sorry one day.” Years later I found out that my “date” ended up MARRYING Fred Coury and they have two great looking kids.
I learned a couple of things about myself that night in Grand Rapids. Number One: Stop trying to impress everyone and be yourself. Number Two: Never take a date backstage.