West Palm Beach

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JEFF DUNHAMI hate puppets.  I just find the entire process a bit freaky.  There’s a man with his hand up a sock trying to convince those around him that his talking sock is real.  For my mind this doesn’t work.

Jeff Dunham is a successful comedian…..why?  I have no idea but he made $25 million one year and has his own private jet and he makes his living talking to a sock.  I should also mention he is a great ventriloquist which is also very creepy.  Unless you are Stephen Hawking I expect you to move your lips when you speak and people who have conversations with themselves usually are in a rubber room weaving baskets out of cooked spaghetti.

So Jeff Dunham was in West Palm one weekend playing the local comedy club and part of the deal upper management made with the club is that each comedian in town that week would appear on my show every Friday.  Don’t get me wrong.  Some were GREAT but others didn’t want to be there and they basically brought the show to a screaming halt.  Jeff shows up and goes in our “green room.”  During a commercial break I walk in and introduce myself.  I said “Gotta be honest.  Puppets freak me out and this is radio so there is no reason to bring in a puppet.  Do all the voices ya want.  We’ll have fun.”  I then walked back in the studio as the commercial break was about over and I like to bring my guests in live.  Have them walk in…get settled….introduce the rest of the show, let them adjust their mic, etc all LIVE on the air because I think it involves the listeners and is much more REAL.

You can guess what happened right?  Dunham brings in “Walter” which is the old man puppet pictured above.  Dunham starts in on me right away with Walter, “What’s a matter Danny?  Afraid of an old man?”  Now I’m an honest guy and I replied “Look Jeff.  You have your hand in a sock.  I am not talking to a sock.”  Well Dunham only saw this as a challenge and tried to get me to talk to Walter.  “You’re grumpier than me.  You look like you haven’t had a bowel movement.  How long have you hated old people?”

Well I refused to be sucked into this game and I found the tension in the room to be riveting….who is gonna turn this off?  I came back at Jeff, “Look….we talked about this before.  I will talk to you all day but that is not an old man.  That is a very expensive sock.  You have your right hand in a tube sock and I can’t engage in a conversation with something that belongs in a shoe.”

Dunham’s next move shocked me.  He barked out “Fine.”  He stood up, grabbed Walter, threw him….yes THREW him in a guitar case and stormed out of the studio.  The sight of an adult throwing a puppet in a guitar case in a fit of anger made me laugh uncontrollably.  To this day whenever I put on a pair of socks I think of Jeff Dunham.  I also think of the $25 million he made in one year.  Scoreboard Dunham and his sock.

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no dating for meMy last relationship ended 10-23-11.  I told myself that day I was gonna go a year without dating.  That time line is now over three years and counting and I really kind of like it.  I used to be very co-dependant.  I couldn’t even keep up with who I was with or who would be next.  I didn’t really “know me” and, quite frankly, I was wasting the time of a lot of really kind and intelligent women.  I needed to find out about me.  What makes me tick?  What are my faults?  How can I improve?

I’m an only child.  Left the house at 18 and got into radio full-time at 21.  I have lived in Wichita, Grand Rapids, Oklahoma City, Kansas City, Cleveland and now West Palm Beach.  I say what’s on my mind and not necessarily what people wanna hear.  I have a 4 bedroom 2 ½ bath house but have not slept in my bed in over three years.  I sleep on the couch and the TV has to be on 24 hours a day.  The only other rooms I use are the kitchen and my office that has three computers.  I have five televisions in the house.  I am a news and sports junkie.   The only alcohol I drink anymore is beer and that only happens twice a week at the most.  I have a Harley Road King Classic that I have invested 42K on.  I don’t own a suit.  I think my mother is the greatest woman I have ever met–although she does know how to drive me nuts.  As I figure out what to do with the rest of my life I exist in my boxers and my boxers alone.

My psychiatrist tells me I am “the most honest patient he has ever met.”  He has been in practice for 28 years.  I’m pretty sure that’s a compliment.  I’m a Libertarian but I don’t like to argue about politics.  Inform yourself about the issues and THEN go and vote.  I have zero tolerance for stupid voters…actually you can expand that to “stupid people.”  I’m not sure about what religion is “right” but I know there is a Supreme Being.  I don’t mind saying “I really don’t like Pat Robertson.”  I don’t have any children and am amazed and impressed by those that do and do it well.  We all make mistakes but it’s truly the way we ever learn.

So back to why I don’t date…..it has forced me to take a look at myself.  I have learned and changed so much in the past three years I only wish I did it sooner….like maybe when I was ten but I was too involved in climbing trees and playing baseball.

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Biker dannyI turned 50 this week…only child…Dad died at 57…Mom still kicking it at 74 here with me in West Palm.  I had a dream job in sports talk radio yanked from me this past week and I have just about blown through my life time savings.  I haven’t worked in three years and four months because I believe in entertaining people on the radio, creating reaction, letting people vent, I want to hear their opinion, I want to learn but those opportunities are few and far between.  If you are one of those people who believe music belongs on the radio I respectfully say to you “Hey dumb ass…you have a phone…you have all your favorite songs…get the kid with acne at AT & T to show ya how to put your ear buds in.”

I’m not bitter or angry…I’m confused.  I am not a dummy.  I’m not saying that because I’m full of myself I say that because I know that I am smart.  I’m not trying to be a dick…I just happen to be smart.  I say what people think.  I’m honest.   I tell the truth.   I don’t hide from my past because it has taught me great lessons in life.  I’m far from perfect but if anyone ever tells you “There are no bad ideas in brainstorming,”   tell them this:   “You’re full of shit.”  There ARE bad ideas…that’s okay..not every hit has to be a home run….but don’t sit there and worry that someone’s “feelings” might be hurt.  We are all in this together no matter what the cause.  Will someone have the stones to stand up and say “Hey Ted..shitty idea.”  I say stupid things and come up with dumb ass ideas all the time.  We MUST fail in order to succeed.

Having my dream job slip away could have been the knock out punch….probably should have been…but I look at it this way…they didn’t deserve me.  People SAY they wanna hear the truth right up until you give them the truth.  They want you to kiss the ring…go with the plan…and be supportive when we have a team building seminar.  What does squeezing a fucking balloon filled with sand have to do with making money?  Here’s my seminar:  “Work your ass off, offer ANY idea and/or suggestion or grab your iPad and get out of the office…..and post a selfie on the way out”

So here I sit..50 and 3 days…searching for my purpose.  Last week, for the first time in 27 years I went to a church and asked to speak to a priest.  I asked him not to quote scripture or try to recruit me back into the pews and he was very respectful of my wishes.  I asked him the same question I still ponder “What is my purpose (BTW..not married…no kids either) and his response still chills me;  “Look for your beginning….look for your roots.  They are there…but you must notice them.”  For some reason I made a connection with this man and just started to cry.  Me…who rode the Harley there and covered my tattoo of a skull giving the finger with the lettering “Judge This” out of respect…was weeping in front of someone  I had known for 20 minutes.

I want to make a difference in this world.  Even though I truly am “lost” I feel that I am closer to finding my “roots” and “beginning” than ever before.  I think we all at least should make the effort but if it involves squeezing a balloon filled with sand….I’d rather sell AMC Pacers in a used car lot.

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happy-mothers-dayMy mother will be 74 in October.  I moved here to West Palm Beach in 2004 to be on the radio and keep an eye on her.  Somehow the roles have reversed in the past two years since I have not been working and now she sees me as a kid again.  It’s almost as though she relishes in the fact that she can mother me again.  I was always a saver and banked my money.  My biggest fear has always been being broke and homeless.  I honestly believe that if I started working again my mother would think that her purpose in life has been eliminated.   We actually had a conversation the other night about life insurance polices…..mainly mine.  I found out that parents really don’t want to discuss your eventual demise…they morph into an endless dialogue about the medications they are on and how they can’t keep up with technology.

My mother still cuts her own grass, goes to church every Sunday, works full-time and can take a knife and a cucumber and make it into a work of art.  She offers strange words of wisdom:  “Take a shower every morning to wash all the viruses off of you.”   The battery on her cordless phone is going and her solution is to plug-in her old land line.  She says things that I don’t know how to respond to:  “I’m taking the long way home because it’s raining and I can’t see in the dark.”

She refers to her answering machine as a “recorder” and always asks me about relatives that have passed;  “Do you remember Aunt Fran?”  Aunt Fran died 20 years ago…it’s not like Spock gave me the Vulcan mind meld.  I can’t get off the phone without her asking if I washed things I eat.  “Wash those tomatoes…people like to pick through them.”  God help society if there weren’t chickens because eventually the conversation will turn to eggs.  “Everything is good in moderation…you need eggs for protein.  I remember Grandma cutting the head off the chickens and plucking the feathers.  We used to pick our own eggs and now they are two dollars a dozen.”   How do you respond to that?

I plan on throwing up the white flag and saying “Happy Mother’s Day!!!”