NFL

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I laugh when women say “He and I are JUST friends.  Men and women can be just friends.”  Women think like that because they think like women and think that men can distinguish between being a friend and being someone  they take off their clothes with and do adult things.  Ladies, let me allow you a look behind the curtain of Oz.  WE CAN’T!  Gay guys are probably the reason for the assumption that all guys can be “just friends” because gay guys really do wanna be your friend (and discuss fashion).  When straight guys are sitting across from you as you share a story about your best friends relationship problems and he nods his head appearing to understand and be interested in what you are saying he ACTUALLY is wondering what you would look like in the morning wearing one of his tee-shirts while you made him breakfast.

The truth is if it weren’t for the sex I really think that guys would always hang out with guys.  Think about it.  It’s a big deal to have a “night out with the boys.”   We drink beer, watch sports, talk about sports, talk about drinking beer, drink too much beer, talk about how we COULD have played in the NFL, etc.  Guys are a different breed.  We basically are still cavemen that went to charm school.  If you’re “guy friend” meets ya out for drinks at happy hour just know you actually are sitting across from “Thor” who would love to drag you by your hair back to his cave to do the prehistoric tango!

Some of you ladies may actually bring this blog to the attention of your man to question its validity.  He’ll read it and fume inside because a member of his gender would DARE to reveal the truth but I can tell ya what he’ll say right now:  “Honey, that may be how the REST of guys are but I don’t feel that way because YOU fulfill all my needs.”  See.  We know how to play the game.


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Have ya heard that the sky is REALLY falling?  Within the next 24 hours twenty-six pieces of space junk will fall to earth.  Space junk?  Sounds like something an astronaut would pull out of his suit after too many patrons.  NASA tells us that the chance of any one person getting hit with debris is 1 in 3,200.  The heaviest piece of debris will weigh 348 pounds.  I’m not sure how YOUR luck in life has been but after reading this I am fully expecting  to get crushed by the weight of an NFL lineman within the next day.

So ya get pummelled by a piece of space junk.  What is your next move?  This is America so we sue.  Who ya gonna sue the government?  The government is broke and in huge debt so even if ya win your case you’re not gonna collect.   Our government only has disposable cash for foreign interests.  With these obstacles in mind I have come up with a solution my friends!!!!

 Befriend an illegal alien and make sure they don’t leave your side for the next 24 hours.  You can usually find one in the parking lot of a Home Depot in the early morning hours or reporting for housekeeping duties at the home of one of our elected officials.  Stay close to him or her as some of these pieces of space junk are small enough that they will only take out one person.  I plan on carrying mine on my back like a pappoose.  It may be difficult to manuever for a day but  that’s the price you have to pay to protect your rights as an American.  If by chance you and Jose get wiped out by some space junk then your family will be sure to collect because you were collateral damage in our inadvertent attack on a foreign country.

Ya gotta be thinking in today’s world.  Now to put on my football helmet and go for a run!!!

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Tom Brady is the quarterback for the New England Patriots.  Last night he threw for a franchise record 517 yards.  He has won three Super Bowls.  He makes about $18 million a year.  He is married to Gisele Bunchen.  She is one of the most beautiful models in the world.  She makes more money than Tom.  You’d have to be a blind homophobe NOT to admit that Tom is also a very good-looking man.   Cliff note version:  Tom is a multi-millionaire that is one of the best football players of all time and he wakes up next to a naked super-model.  My mother would say “He has the same problems that you do.”  Hello Mom???  Mom are you listening???  HE DOES NOT!  Life isn’t fair.  Tom is having a great string of luck that has lasted…hmmm….let me see…oh yeah….HIS ENTIRE LIFETIME!!!

Everybody has a bad day at some point.  I’m sure Tom does as well.  Perhaps the Bentley won’t start and he will be forced to drive the Porsche.  Maybe he left his black American Express card in his other three thousand dollar Italian suit and he was forced to use his Citibank card.  Perhaps his servants can’t make it to one of his mansions because of a huge winter snowstorm and Tom has to empty the dishwasher HIMSELF.   Perhaps his nude super-model wife will one day wake up with…..A PIMPLE!!!   You’re right mom….I’m feeling MUCH better now.  🙂