I don’t date and I do it by choice. The last time I was on a date was October 23, 2011. The world is one big bowl of nuts and I’m not ashamed to admit I’m probably the walnut but I have figured out there are three types of women that I would avoid at all costs. In no particular order here are the signs:
YOU KNOW THE NAME OF AT LEAST ONE “REAL HOUSEWIFE”: There is nothing “real” about any of these whack jobs. Watching this show is like making a visit to the local mental ward to observe the patients to feel good about yourself. If ya wanna live in fantasy land then dress up like Captain America and go to a comic book convention.
YOU THINK FISH ARE PETS: Let me break the news to ya Moby Dick….anything you can eat is NOT a pet. Fish are a meal. Ya can’t train them and ya can’t pet them. If you actually believe that you are a pet owner because you have a tank on display in your den then ya might wanna consider cooking some pasta and weaving me a basket.
YOU HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS ON YOUR BED: Unless you work at the dime toss booth at the fair and your bedroom is a closet for the prizes you need to be on some sort of medication. You are an adult so start acting like one. Do ya scream for mommy when ya have a bad dream and still play with your Lite Brite when Amanda Bynes won’t answer your tweet? I hope not.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest….I’m going back to posting pictures on facebook of food I’m about to eat and writing various celebrities to ask for autographed pictures. THAT’S normal!
Let’s face it. Dating really sucks. My New Year’s resolution is NOT to date anyone in 2012. I have had my fair share of relationships and like you, some good and some bad. I have, however, obtained a vast amount of experience and knowledge and I’d like to share it with the men. Ladies feel free to agree or disagree.
1) HAVE YOU EVER ENTERED A BAR CONTEST OF ANY KIND? If she says “yes” then fill her with a few more shots and take her home. Any chick that enters a “Hot Body Contest” or a “Sausage Eating Contest” is not a lady. But for a $25 bar tab you can have her naked and smacking her head on your ceiling fan.
2) DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS AND WHERE ARE THEY? I like the tramp stamp. Keep in mind that the tramp stamp will eventually follow the rules of gravity and will eventually look like a term paper left in a rainstorm. If she has the Nike logo on her Venus Mound with the words “Just Do It”, I’d take my twelve condoms back to the drug store and reload.
3) DO YOU HAVE A 401-K? This is important. If she DOESN’T that means she expects a man to provide for her or she plans on pulling a Chaz Bono by getting a sex change to get a better deal at the dry cleaners. A female with a 401-K is a woman. A female without probably has a real nice set of boobs.
4) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CLOWNS? A clown is the court jester for the Devil. If your date wants to go to the circus just to see the clowns know you will one day wake up to her on top of you with a Ginzu ready to carve the dead sea scrolls into your chest. Now if she likes spider monkeys riding on top of running dogs…..she’s a keeper.
5) GO THROUGH HER PURSE: This isn’t a question it’s more of a mission. Most women take their purses with them when they are going to the bathroom so I would suggest having a friend call the bar/restaurant you are at and having her paged. Ya have to move fast. You are looking for prescription bottles. Xanax and any prescription that RELAXES her is great. Ya know in the future when you are two hours late without a phone call she won’t flip out on ya. If ya see Valtrex, ya know there’s “fire in the hole.” This is not a relationship killer but go back to that same drug store in rule number two and reload again.
Now ya know why I’m a “keeper.” I have a unique knack of keeping the opposite sex far away from me. Perhaps that is best for all involved.
I have dated a lot of women and I always make the wrong decision. I stay with the ones I shouldn’t and I screw up the ones I should have stayed with. I’m the first one to admit that I have my issues and I’ll never get that second call back to be on the cover of Men’s Fitness but if there were a prize for dating Looney-Tunes I would be on the top podium, receiving a gold medal, while they played the Star-Spangled Banner.
Think this is just in my head? Here are some of the highlights of the people I have spent time with in the past ten years: One was afraid to leave the house, one threw a soup can at me, one had to sleep with ALL the lights on and hold her baby blanket, one slept with one of my friends, one drank a bottle of wine every night, one had fourteen felony convictions for prescription fraud and tried to frame me with the police, one asked me to stick a beach towel in a co-workers gas tank and set it on fire and one actually thought PEARL HARBOR was in BOSTON!
I am considering an advisory council like they had in Flashdance. Three people sitting at a table and observing what the potential date has to offer. I feel between those three they would be able to find any existing red flags that I am obviously immune to. That’s a great idea if ya look like Brad Pitt but at this point in my life I’m a cross between Michael Chicklas and an ass with eyes. If a female packs my groceries at the supermarket I feel like I have game.
So the logical conclusion for me in 2012 is NO DATING AT ALL. I doubt this becomes a trending topic on Twitter but its something I need to do. On the upside….my right arm should become much bigger.