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So I’m thinking about this Xmas thing and I was let in on the secret by my Mother ten minutes before the bus was scheduled to pick me up.  I was in the second grade and things really haven’t been the same since.  Society isn’t very honest and most people will tell ya what ya wanna hear.  Suddenly the world was different for me.

It’s really my fault though.  What was I thinking or not thinking?  There’s this guy and for a month he’s at every shopping mall listening to kids ask for things and then they take a picture.  Christmas is coming, send an e-mail, this guy needs some rest.

He flies around the world in a sled pulled by reindeers and lands on the roof of a house to go down the chimney with a sack of gifts.   What the hell is that?  Oh.  Don’t forget to leave some milk and cookies.  So what if he’s lactose intolerant and has gout.

But wait, there’s more.  He can fit all the gifts for all the kids in the world in the back of his sleigh.  I can’t get six bags of mulch in the trunk of my mom’s car.  Did I mention he lives at the North Pole?  My next question is about who makes all these toys.  Santa honestly would say “It’s all my elves.”  Really?  A bunch of midgets, with pointy shoes that have bells on them with a clown hat and a small hammer?  I thought that was how crackers were made.  Santa better not get pulled over on Christmas Eve cuz if he’s gonna tell that story we’ll see him on the police blotter.

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If you listen to my podcast, and I hope you do because I have adopted a chimpanzee named Bongo that needs to eat, then you know my mission statement is:  “85% of the world is stupid, welcome to the 15%.”  As I continue on my journey of life I actually believe I may have underestimated that figure as I am constantly confused on a daily basis.  Could someone please explain to me some of the following observations and questions that hound me?

  • Why is there a man dressed in a cowboy outfit on my TV that wants to send me a lubed catheter for free?
  • Why is it an amazing event that you can prepare your own food? I do it on a daily basis but I have never felt the urge to take a picture of it and post it on Facebook?
  • When people say “Back in the day” are they referring to a particular day of the week? A certain decade?  I like to think of prehistoric times when man discovered fire and the wheel.
  • Why do I look at people that buy lottery tickets and think they don’t “shave down there?”
  • Why do car dealers insist on shouting in their commercials yet when you go to their showroom to buy a car they speak at a normal sound level?
  • George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were great leaders and icons in our nation’s history but I’m sure they would wonder why we celebrate their birthdays by lowering prices on mattresses.
  • Why do atheists say “Bless you” after you sneeze?
  • Why does every guy behind the counter at a tire store always have a toothpick in his mouth?
  • Does the person in front of me that has twenty six items in their shopping cart at the grocery store’s express lane realize I’m thinking they are a jackass?
  • When I go to the dentist does he realize that I am looking to see if he trims his nose hairs?

These are just some of the questions that roar through my mind and perhaps the reason why I need to take pills on a daily basis and never expect to find a Mensa member at the bus station.