Current Events

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happy-mothers-dayMy mother will be 74 in October.  I moved here to West Palm Beach in 2004 to be on the radio and keep an eye on her.  Somehow the roles have reversed in the past two years since I have not been working and now she sees me as a kid again.  It’s almost as though she relishes in the fact that she can mother me again.  I was always a saver and banked my money.  My biggest fear has always been being broke and homeless.  I honestly believe that if I started working again my mother would think that her purpose in life has been eliminated.   We actually had a conversation the other night about life insurance polices…..mainly mine.  I found out that parents really don’t want to discuss your eventual demise…they morph into an endless dialogue about the medications they are on and how they can’t keep up with technology.

My mother still cuts her own grass, goes to church every Sunday, works full-time and can take a knife and a cucumber and make it into a work of art.  She offers strange words of wisdom:  “Take a shower every morning to wash all the viruses off of you.”   The battery on her cordless phone is going and her solution is to plug-in her old land line.  She says things that I don’t know how to respond to:  “I’m taking the long way home because it’s raining and I can’t see in the dark.”

She refers to her answering machine as a “recorder” and always asks me about relatives that have passed;  “Do you remember Aunt Fran?”  Aunt Fran died 20 years ago…it’s not like Spock gave me the Vulcan mind meld.  I can’t get off the phone without her asking if I washed things I eat.  “Wash those tomatoes…people like to pick through them.”  God help society if there weren’t chickens because eventually the conversation will turn to eggs.  “Everything is good in moderation…you need eggs for protein.  I remember Grandma cutting the head off the chickens and plucking the feathers.  We used to pick our own eggs and now they are two dollars a dozen.”   How do you respond to that?

I plan on throwing up the white flag and saying “Happy Mother’s Day!!!”

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datingI don’t date and I do it by choice.  The last time I was on a date was October 23, 2011.  The world is one big bowl of nuts and I’m not ashamed to admit I’m probably the walnut but I have figured out there are three types of women that I would avoid at all costs.  In no particular order here are the signs:

YOU KNOW THE NAME OF AT LEAST ONE “REAL HOUSEWIFE”:  There is nothing “real” about any of these whack jobs.  Watching this show is like making a visit to the local mental ward to observe the patients to feel good about yourself.  If ya wanna live in fantasy land then dress up like Captain America and go to a comic book convention.

YOU THINK FISH ARE PETS:  Let me break the news to ya Moby Dick….anything you can eat is NOT a pet.  Fish are a meal.  Ya can’t train them and ya can’t pet them.  If you actually believe that you are a pet owner because you have a tank on display in your den then ya might wanna consider cooking some pasta and weaving me a basket.

YOU HAVE  STUFFED ANIMALS ON YOUR BED:  Unless you work at the dime toss booth at the fair and your bedroom is a closet for the prizes you need to be on some sort of medication.  You are an adult so start acting like one.  Do ya scream for mommy when ya have a bad dream and still play with your Lite Brite when Amanda Bynes won’t answer your tweet?  I hope not.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest….I’m going back to posting pictures on facebook of food I’m about to eat and writing various celebrities to ask for autographed pictures.  THAT’S normal!

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KEVIN WARE

You’re not gonna like what you are going to read and I know that already but it’s the truth.  Kevin Ware of Louisville suffered a horrific broken leg in yesterdays college basketball game.  His lower leg broke in half and the bone actually pierced the skin.  People across the country have actually tweeted their monetary support to a man that they don’t even know.  Seriously?  Let’s be honest.  The guy didn’t die…. he broke his freaking leg.  He doesn’t have a life threatening disease and he didn’t lose a loved one.  He broke his leg.

When you walk on a sporting field of any kind under you own free will you understand that you are taking a risk of physical injury.  Don’t get me wrong I wish he didn’t break his leg BUT he knew was putting himself at risk.  His teammates and his coach were visibly upset and some were even crying.  Would they have reacted the same way had they not SEEN the injury?  If Kevin Ware fell down the stairs at his dorm and suffered the same injury would they break down in tears upon hearing the news?  I think not.  They walked away in tears because they had witnessed a HORRIFIC injury and that’s actually kind of selfish.

As far as these clowns that want to send money to help out a guy they don’t even know here’s a suggestion for ya:  Look around you.  There are many local organizations that can use your help in fighting abuse of animals, domestic violence, hunger, poverty or your favorite cause.  Visit a relative you have not seen lately or take the time to reestablish a connection with a lost friend.  If any of these things would happen then I think Kevin Ware would appreciate that more than anything else.  Kevin Ware broke his leg.  He wasn’t killed by a drunk driver.  Let’s keep this in perspective.

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NECK TATTOO

 

Every day we are confronted with decisions.  Sometimes we make good ones and sometimes we make bad ones.  That’s just the way of life.  I have made MANY mistakes in my time on earth but I can honestly tell you I never woke up and declared “today is the day  will finally get my neck tattoo.”  If I need open heart surgery and Dr. Feelgood has a neck tattoo saying “Delicious” I’m gonna make sure someone else cuts me open.  If I need someone to stand up for me in the court of law I don’t think the guy with “Judge This” on his neck is gonna have any pull with the man in the black robe.

If ya wanna get back in the stupidity line for extra credit then by all means feel free to add a tat on your forehead and maybe a few tear drops beneath your eyes.  See how well that goes over on your interview at a Fortune 500 company.   There are times when these tattoos are actually beneficial.  If I was running a chop shop or was in the market for an arsonist then the guy at the left would be at the top of my list.  Unless you are a porn star then you really should care about what ends up on your face.  I have a lot more to say about this but I’m late for my tongue piercing.

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vicksFor the past four days I have been fighting a pretty bad cold.  Mom has been all over me to “go see a doctor.”  This comes from a woman who is losing sight in her left eye and doesn’t have a primary care physician because “I need one to be close to the house.”  Evidently that means for her to have one living in the spare bedroom but I digress….

The next question from her was “Are you using Vicks?”  If your mother is like my mother than Vicks is the greatest medical invention of all time.  I remember as a child that at the first sign of a sniffle she would reach for that bottle, grab a spatula, and lap that stuff on my chest like she was frosting a cake.  Then she would wrap me up like a mummy, grab a safety-pin to secure the gauze that she had affixed to my person to insure that all that “vapo rub” was absorbed into my entire being.  When I would fart I would automatically clear the room of all bacteria.  She would put so much Vicks on my body that it would affect my taste buds.  I could stick out my tongue and it would glow like ET’s finger.

When I was in my motorcycle accident that resulted in six broken ribs, a broken nose, broken collar-bone, dislocated shoulder and a ruptured sinus cavity the first thing she asked the doctor was “How many times a day does he need Vicks?”  Some may argue that Michael Jordan is the greatest commercial pitchman of all time but I would put my mother and a bottle of Vicks up against anyone.

I’d go on but the UPS man is at my door asking me to sign for a 55 gallon drum of Vicks my mother just sent me.

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presidents day

So today is President’s Day.  How are ya supposed to celebrate it?  I even know that on Arbor Day you are supposed to plant a tree but it doesn’t seem to make any sense to go out and buy a mattress on Presidents Day.  My parents spent a fortune on braces so I don’t have the need for wooden teeth and I don’t think it would be a good idea to go to the theater today and sit in the balcony and wait for a disgruntled actor to pop off a round in my direction.

I could honor Gerald Ford by falling down the stairs but I currently don’t have medical coverage and I can break a bone just by sneezing so that’s not a good idea either.  I could make the Bill Clinton fans happy by grabbing a cigar and throwing an intern under my desk but I live alone and spend most of my free time looking for work so that’s not gonna happen either.

I considered honoring that liar Richard Nixon by walking up to random women here in West Palm Beach and telling them I am a millionaire and a super model in Europe but that would entail me leaving the house and traveling more than my safe haven of three miles.  I think the only thing I really can do is wash my bedding and maybe throw in a few extra dryer sheets.  Happy President’s Day.

 

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ImageGun control to me is the same as idiot control.  There really isn’t a way to control either.  The secret is keeping the guns out of the hands of idiots or avoiding idiots all together.  Neither is a realistic situation because it just won’t happen.  Look at the war on drugs.  We aren’t winning.  We are guarding the borders and prosecuting people for what is already legal in three states.  Where is the logic there?

I have five guns.  I ‘m also a responsible gun owner.  I don’t think it’s correct to penalize the rights of the many for the actions of the few.  If some idiot is gonna break into my home at night I want to at least have a level playing field.  I’m also not a registered marksman so I’m not sure how many shots I’ll need to insure my safety but you can rest assure I won’t stop pulling that trigger until the clip is empty.

Those that favor gun control usually don’t have guns.  I understand why you would be in favor of banning something that doesn’t matter to you.  I feel the same way about cauliflower.  If you put some of that crap on my plate I probably would wait at least five days to eat it.  Instead of taking away from those that obey the law let’s concentrate on stopping those that break the law.

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I don’t understand “comic book people.”  I probably would be a bit concerned about my own mental capacity if I DID but I do wonder what these people are thinking.  Don’t get me wrong I was a HUGE fan of comic books.  I was also EIGHT YEARS OLD at the time.  I loved “Heckle and Jeckle” and “Scrooge McDuck” but eventually I put those comic books aside because I realized ducks don’t wear tiny spectacles and can’t become  freaking millionaires.

Comic book people eventually graduate to reading about super-heroes.  I suppose this is really the only option they have other than playing World of Warcraft and popping accutane.  Life really is an uphill struggle during the adolescent years for the “comic book person.”  Chances are they also wear braces with rubber bands, play the violin in orchestra and at night they have to put on the “head-gear.”  Just picturing this person makes me visualize him having his underwear yanked to the heavens by the captain of the football team during a class change.  So ya have a tough three years in high school.  Get over it.  It’s just a small slice of your lifetime.  Once ya graduate a funny thing happens……..ya get a clean slate!!!!

True “comic book people” screw up this golden opportunity and take the nerd train for a few more stops.  Some will join Revolutionary War recreation groups.  Some will play Dungeons and Dragons and some are beyond help or any type of logical judgement as they will dress up as their favorite super-hero or villain and actually go out in PUBLIC!!  Let me address these Super Nerds right now:  Look….you are NOT a Storm Trooper, Klingon, Chewbacca or one of the Avengers.  You are a freaking adult.  Adults don’t wear masks or capes.  Star Wars, Star Track, Bat-Man, Iron-Man and Wonder Woman NEVER happened.  It’s NOT real so stop making yourself look like a complete clown-ass at the age of thirty-five.  While I’m on a roll may I suggest it’s also time to move out of your parent’s house!

I think I have made my point and have vented enough.  I’m gonna go play Madden on X-Box.  I’m on the team ya know……

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There are a lot of things in this world I don’t understand and no matter how hard I try I don’t think some will ever become clear to me.  The Running of the Bulls is one of those things.  This annual event kicked off today with the first of eight runs with six powerful bulls chasing thousands of people through the streets of Pamplona.  I have never really seen a bull up close but I know he has two sharp horns protruding from his head, he weighs a hell of a lot more than me and I really believe I should stay the hell out of his way at all times.

I should also point out that I am an animal lover.  Maybe not a 100% animal lover because I hate spiders, I’m not fond of snakes and possums are kind of prissy and for their size I think they need a serious attitude adjustment.  Bulls get a bad rap.  No one likes someone who is “bull-headed” and no one is a fan of “bullshit” but what did the bulls do to be teased and tormented like this?  Imagine being caged up with five of your buddies and a bunch of drunken, screaming lunatics are running circles around you down a cobblestone road in the heat of summer.  I don’t know about you but I would be a bit pissed and want to put those horns on my dome to use.

Since they started keeping records in 1924 fifteen people have been gored to death by the bulls.  I wish I could be the coach of these bulls because I think they can do much better than that.  Today six people were injured including a 73 year-old that was gored.   That’s right a 73 year-old.  Usually you stop being a dumb ass when you retire and just piss people off by not knowing how to drive and taking too much time at the post office.

Well there are seven more runs to go and I hope you’ll join me in cheering “Let’s Go Bulls!!!!”