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I ask a lot of questions.  Perhaps because I am confused about a lot of things.  On my weekly podcast we do a segment called “Three Things I don’t understand”   It could easily be twenty as I wander around periodically in my slippers and sweats in Wal-Mart (sadly I fit in).

Here are five things that escaped our editing meeting this week but I believe are worth discussing:

  • AT THE END OF THE DAY: I think it would be lawful to allow people to punch those that say this.  “At the end of the day” I am running to my car and leaving the nuthouse commonly called “work.”  If you have to wait until the “end of the day” to make progress in your business then it’s gonna fail and your manager should be a mime on the streets of New York doing the “caught in a box” routine.

 

  • PEOPLE THAT SAY “ME, PERSONALLY: Isn’t that an oxy-moron?  Like “Holy War?” For once I would like to hear someone say “Me, as my second personality Diana, that chain smokes cigarettes and enjoys a stuffed raccoon as a garnish to my Thanksgiving turkey,” That would put me at ease.

 

  • SUPER VORTEX RADAR: Radar on TV stations is getting out of control.  Get rid of the fancy names and tell me…..follow closely on this….if it will rain or snow.  That’s it.  Job done.  I don’t need a satellite picture because I am not living in the space station.

 

  • RECYCLING: I recycle but I wonder if I am pissing up a drape.   The recycle truck grabs my stuff and then runs away.  Where do they go?  Do they sort all this shit again, turn a crank and kick out a front door of a Prism?  Or do they throw them all in the dump, laugh uncontrollably and exhale second-hand smoke into innocent bystanders.

 

  • ISLAM EXPERTS ON TV:   When I see these people I think one thing:    Who makes a living knowing what bad people may do?  They scare me.  It appears they have some inside information and if they are in training learning to fly it would not surprise me.  One more thing:  Never trust an Islam Expert that doesn’t have a turban on his head, a stick cane, and lives in a cave.   That is not fear, that is credibility.

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im crazyI’m not crazy I just lay everything on the table and am brutally honest.  I was on a job interview a week ago and the General Manager asked, what I think, is a silly question:  “Why do you want this job?”  I told the truth “Because right now you are doing it all wrong.”

I have OCD, clinically diagnosed, and that’s no secret to those that know me.  I’m an expert at making eggs sunny side up.  I have to eat around the yolk because I need to put the entire unbroken yolk in my mouth at once…told ya life with me is a day at the fun house.

I wasn’t blessed with a hairless body and sometimes there is a need to shave portions of my back.  Let me tell you there is no way to look cool and attempt to remove these unwanted patches.  I swear I’m gonna dislocate my shoulder one of these days.

I floss with dental tape (not floss) at least five times a day and I think the feeling of a Q-Tip with warm water in my ear is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

It bothers me when  people on morning TV say “As you head out the door this morning….”—-where else are you gonna vacate your home?  Ya gonna rappel down the side of your house from your second story window?

I love the smell of a magic marker.  I believe you need to have Glass Plus within reach at all times.  I have a King Size bed with a sleep number mattress…..I don’t sleep in my bed.  I sleep on the couch and MUST have a TV on 24 hours a day.

I really get pissed when someone is mean to an older person.  Old people have knowledge….talk to them…they have many answers we seek.

I have never owned a bathrobe and I never will unless I decide to go after a black belt in karate.  When I see televised arm wrestling I assume those that are watching are never gonna be able to split an atom.

I live alone so I spend most of my day in my boxers…..only bad thing about that is Tuesday and Friday nights when I wheel out my garbage….sorry neighbors…just look away.

I could go on…but ya just might think I’m crazy.