Tooth Fairy

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I have always said that life starts to get shitty right after ya find out the truth about Santa Claus. From that point on your trust has been shattered. There is no way you will be prepared for the upcoming trials and tribulations of the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Just to make sure you will be on the defensive for the rest of your life you will soon discover birds and bees and a freaking stork have nothing to do with the reason you have become a global footprint on this planet. Let’s get back to that fatal morning of December 1973 when I was in the third grade and Mother summoned me to the kitchen ten minutes before the school bus was to arrive.

Mom seemed to be serious. I went to the kitchen and she told me to sit down. Immediately I began to wonder what I had done wrong. There was no way I was ever going to be properly prepared for what she said next. “I wanted to tell you something before you heard it from Brian Kuhn or someone on the bus,” she said. “You know how ever year at Christmas Santa brings ya gifts? Well that’s actually Mom and Dad. Any questions??” Really??? Any questions??? I have a few. The first one would be “Who are you and what the hell did you just say??” My world was destroyed. Suddenly I questioned everything. All of a sudden the making a wish and blowing out the candles on your birthday cake thing seemed like a bunch of shit to me as well. I was speechless. I was stunned. I could not move and all Mom would say is “Hurry up…..don’t miss the bus.”

I was just eight years old and I felt like a sparring partner of Mike Tyson. I remember being in a daze as I found my way to the bus stop that cold December morning. The bus stopped, I heard the air brakes, the door opened and I climbed aboard. I looked to find my usual seat in the middle of the bus and I locked eyes with Brian Kuhn. For a moment we were one. We said so much without saying anything at all. Finally I exhaled and sat down. After what seemed like an eternity Brian Kuhn finally said “I see your Mother beat me to it.” I paused….smiled…turned towards him and said, “Yes. Yes she did.” It’s never been the same since that cold November morning in 1973. 😪😪😪

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I was raised Catholic so Easter was kind of big deal to me as a kid but there are so many things that didn’t make sense to me then and they surely don’t now.  It started on Good Friday when my mother would make me come inside the house between 1-3PM because “that is the time Jesus died.”  With leap years and Daylight Savings Time over the past two thousand years shouldn’t Good Friday actually be before Valentines Day?  How does sitting downstairs silently for two hours on a sunny Friday afternoon give me a higher place in heaven?  I don’t think the secret to everlasting life can be found being quiet and lazy.

Easter Sunday was a big deal.  This is the day that Jesus rose from the dead.  I would think that if this occurred today it would be the main topic on CNN and they would call in Wolf Blitzer for a special Sunday edition of “The Situation Room.”   I can even see Nancy Grace yelling at Jesus, “C’mon!  Do REALLY expect me to believe that you moved that rock all by yourself!!!!!!!

So we have this wonderful man who was without sin and died on the cross for all of us so we can have everlasting life and the way we show our thanks is by hiding hard-boiled eggs inside our house?  I sure hope the Cadbury family is giving thanks to Jesus because he made them millionaires.  What’s with the bunny?  I mean seriously…the Easter Bunny is one step below a clown on my creep-o-meter.  I remember watching rabbits appear at dusk in my backyard as a kid and I would NEVER be able to get within 20 yards of them.  The Easter Bunny is so tall he could play point guard on most NBA teams, he walks on two feet, doesn’t hop, and he likes to hug and shake hands.  Something is not making sense here.  Try bringing the Easter bunny to church with ya one day and see how quickly the cops show up.   Instead of gnawing on a leg of lamb you and your bunny friend will be in a rubber room weaving baskets out of cooked spaghetti.

I hope you and your family have a Happy Easter….that’s all for now…I think the tooth fairy is at my door.