If you listen to my podcast, and I hope you do because I have adopted a chimpanzee named Bongo that needs to eat, then you know my mission statement is: “85% of the world is stupid, welcome to the 15%.” As I continue on my journey of life I actually believe I may have underestimated that figure as I am constantly confused on a daily basis. Could someone please explain to me some of the following observations and questions that hound me?
- Why is there a man dressed in a cowboy outfit on my TV that wants to send me a lubed catheter for free?
- Why is it an amazing event that you can prepare your own food? I do it on a daily basis but I have never felt the urge to take a picture of it and post it on Facebook?
- When people say “Back in the day” are they referring to a particular day of the week? A certain decade? I like to think of prehistoric times when man discovered fire and the wheel.
- Why do I look at people that buy lottery tickets and think they don’t “shave down there?”
- Why do car dealers insist on shouting in their commercials yet when you go to their showroom to buy a car they speak at a normal sound level?
- George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were great leaders and icons in our nation’s history but I’m sure they would wonder why we celebrate their birthdays by lowering prices on mattresses.
- Why do atheists say “Bless you” after you sneeze?
- Why does every guy behind the counter at a tire store always have a toothpick in his mouth?
- Does the person in front of me that has twenty six items in their shopping cart at the grocery store’s express lane realize I’m thinking they are a jackass?
- When I go to the dentist does he realize that I am looking to see if he trims his nose hairs?
These are just some of the questions that roar through my mind and perhaps the reason why I need to take pills on a daily basis and never expect to find a Mensa member at the bus station.
My last relationship ended 10-23-11. I told myself that day I was gonna go a year without dating. That time line is now over three years and counting and I really kind of like it. I used to be very co-dependant. I couldn’t even keep up with who I was with or who would be next. I didn’t really “know me” and, quite frankly, I was wasting the time of a lot of really kind and intelligent women. I needed to find out about me. What makes me tick? What are my faults? How can I improve?
I’m an only child. Left the house at 18 and got into radio full-time at 21. I have lived in Wichita, Grand Rapids, Oklahoma City, Kansas City, Cleveland and now West Palm Beach. I say what’s on my mind and not necessarily what people wanna hear. I have a 4 bedroom 2 ½ bath house but have not slept in my bed in over three years. I sleep on the couch and the TV has to be on 24 hours a day. The only other rooms I use are the kitchen and my office that has three computers. I have five televisions in the house. I am a news and sports junkie. The only alcohol I drink anymore is beer and that only happens twice a week at the most. I have a Harley Road King Classic that I have invested 42K on. I don’t own a suit. I think my mother is the greatest woman I have ever met–although she does know how to drive me nuts. As I figure out what to do with the rest of my life I exist in my boxers and my boxers alone.
My psychiatrist tells me I am “the most honest patient he has ever met.” He has been in practice for 28 years. I’m pretty sure that’s a compliment. I’m a Libertarian but I don’t like to argue about politics. Inform yourself about the issues and THEN go and vote. I have zero tolerance for stupid voters…actually you can expand that to “stupid people.” I’m not sure about what religion is “right” but I know there is a Supreme Being. I don’t mind saying “I really don’t like Pat Robertson.” I don’t have any children and am amazed and impressed by those that do and do it well. We all make mistakes but it’s truly the way we ever learn.
So back to why I don’t date…..it has forced me to take a look at myself. I have learned and changed so much in the past three years I only wish I did it sooner….like maybe when I was ten but I was too involved in climbing trees and playing baseball.
I’m not crazy I just lay everything on the table and am brutally honest. I was on a job interview a week ago and the General Manager asked, what I think, is a silly question: “Why do you want this job?” I told the truth “Because right now you are doing it all wrong.”
I have OCD, clinically diagnosed, and that’s no secret to those that know me. I’m an expert at making eggs sunny side up. I have to eat around the yolk because I need to put the entire unbroken yolk in my mouth at once…told ya life with me is a day at the fun house.
I wasn’t blessed with a hairless body and sometimes there is a need to shave portions of my back. Let me tell you there is no way to look cool and attempt to remove these unwanted patches. I swear I’m gonna dislocate my shoulder one of these days.
I floss with dental tape (not floss) at least five times a day and I think the feeling of a Q-Tip with warm water in my ear is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
It bothers me when people on morning TV say “As you head out the door this morning….”—-where else are you gonna vacate your home? Ya gonna rappel down the side of your house from your second story window?
I love the smell of a magic marker. I believe you need to have Glass Plus within reach at all times. I have a King Size bed with a sleep number mattress…..I don’t sleep in my bed. I sleep on the couch and MUST have a TV on 24 hours a day.
I really get pissed when someone is mean to an older person. Old people have knowledge….talk to them…they have many answers we seek.
I have never owned a bathrobe and I never will unless I decide to go after a black belt in karate. When I see televised arm wrestling I assume those that are watching are never gonna be able to split an atom.
I live alone so I spend most of my day in my boxers…..only bad thing about that is Tuesday and Friday nights when I wheel out my garbage….sorry neighbors…just look away.
I could go on…but ya just might think I’m crazy.