confused

If you listen to my podcast, and I hope you do because I have adopted a chimpanzee named Bongo that needs to eat, then you know my mission statement is:  “85% of the world is stupid, welcome to the 15%.”  As I continue on my journey of life I actually believe I may have underestimated that figure as I am constantly confused on a daily basis.  Could someone please explain to me some of the following observations and questions that hound me?

  • Why is there a man dressed in a cowboy outfit on my TV that wants to send me a lubed catheter for free?
  • Why is it an amazing event that you can prepare your own food? I do it on a daily basis but I have never felt the urge to take a picture of it and post it on Facebook?
  • When people say “Back in the day” are they referring to a particular day of the week? A certain decade?  I like to think of prehistoric times when man discovered fire and the wheel.
  • Why do I look at people that buy lottery tickets and think they don’t “shave down there?”
  • Why do car dealers insist on shouting in their commercials yet when you go to their showroom to buy a car they speak at a normal sound level?
  • George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were great leaders and icons in our nation’s history but I’m sure they would wonder why we celebrate their birthdays by lowering prices on mattresses.
  • Why do atheists say “Bless you” after you sneeze?
  • Why does every guy behind the counter at a tire store always have a toothpick in his mouth?
  • Does the person in front of me that has twenty six items in their shopping cart at the grocery store’s express lane realize I’m thinking they are a jackass?
  • When I go to the dentist does he realize that I am looking to see if he trims his nose hairs?

These are just some of the questions that roar through my mind and perhaps the reason why I need to take pills on a daily basis and never expect to find a Mensa member at the bus station.

 

Crazy Car GuyWe all have been through the car buying experience and the competition to get your business is very high.  This is the reason thousands of dollars are spent in your city by local dealerships to convince you to walk inside their showroom.  I have been involved in the media business for many years and I will never understand the car dealer that insists on doing his own commercial because, quite frankly, you look like a goofball.

You know what I am referring to.  On St. Patrick’s Day he dresses like a Leprechaun.  On Christmas he’s in a Santa suit and his brother is dressed as an elf.  On Valentine’s Day he may even dress as Cupid and shoot an “arrow of savings LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!”  That’s another thing they do….they freaking yell at you.  You are not cutting a commercial for Wrestlemania you own a freaking car lot.  Are you gonna scream at me when I walk in the door?  If that’s the case I may as well buy a car from my mother as I walk out of my door with a wet head.

“At (insert car dealership name here)     WE HAVE GONE CRAZY!!”  Really?  Then I would suggest a trip to the psychiatrist to get some proper meds because I don’t want you sitting next to me during a test drive frothing at the mouth with a switchblade in your pants pocket.

And while I’m on a roll let me address the giant inflatable King Kong that some dealerships insist on placing on top of their roof.  First of all King Kong is not real.  Secondly a balloon serves the purpose of putting a smile on the face of a young child so if this is your strategy to attract your target customer I’m quite confident they are not carrying a Mensa card.  That’s my service to the public for today….perhaps tomorrow I’ll address the Chuck Norris Total Gym.