I have always said that life starts to get shitty right after ya find out the truth about Santa Claus. From that point on your trust has been shattered. There is no way you will be prepared for the upcoming trials and tribulations of the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Just to make sure you will be on the defensive for the rest of your life you will soon discover birds and bees and a freaking stork have nothing to do with the reason you have become a global footprint on this planet. Let’s get back to that fatal morning of December 1973 when I was in the third grade and Mother summoned me to the kitchen ten minutes before the school bus was to arrive.

Mom seemed to be serious. I went to the kitchen and she told me to sit down. Immediately I began to wonder what I had done wrong. There was no way I was ever going to be properly prepared for what she said next. “I wanted to tell you something before you heard it from Brian Kuhn or someone on the bus,” she said. “You know how ever year at Christmas Santa brings ya gifts? Well that’s actually Mom and Dad. Any questions??” Really??? Any questions??? I have a few. The first one would be “Who are you and what the hell did you just say??” My world was destroyed. Suddenly I questioned everything. All of a sudden the making a wish and blowing out the candles on your birthday cake thing seemed like a bunch of shit to me as well. I was speechless. I was stunned. I could not move and all Mom would say is “Hurry up…..don’t miss the bus.”

I was just eight years old and I felt like a sparring partner of Mike Tyson. I remember being in a daze as I found my way to the bus stop that cold December morning. The bus stopped, I heard the air brakes, the door opened and I climbed aboard. I looked to find my usual seat in the middle of the bus and I locked eyes with Brian Kuhn. For a moment we were one. We said so much without saying anything at all. Finally I exhaled and sat down. After what seemed like an eternity Brian Kuhn finally said “I see your Mother beat me to it.” I paused….smiled…turned towards him and said, “Yes. Yes she did.” It’s never been the same since that cold November morning in 1973. 😪😪😪

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santa

So I’m sitting here thinking about Christmas and my childhood and I wonder if I’m alone on this.  Let’s examine some of the facts of this wonderful story.  Let’s start with the fat guy and the chimney.  Ya ever been on a roof and taken a look at a chimney?  A super model would get stuck in there.  Let’s say this generous man with his sack of goodies manages to make it down the aforementioned chimney.  I sure hope you’re not burning a yuletide log and ya remembered to shut off the alarm.  This will assure a very slow night for the folks at ADT.

So ya leave some cookies and milk.  That’s the last thing he needs.  Do him a favor and move the exercise bike by the tree and leave a few Lipitor pills and a shot of bourbon—it’s freaking cold outside.   So our friend Santa then rock climbs his way back up the chimney to get inside a sleigh that doesn’t have a heater or a seatbelt.  I’m pretty sure that all the shingles that got ripped off during the landing are not covered by your homeowners insurance.

Most of us have been on an airplane and have seen the size of those massive engines that insure a safe take off and a successful flight so of course the same mechanical wonders must be attached to the sleigh, right?  That’s not the case as we are all aware.  This winter mobile is able to take off a fifty foot runway pulled by a bunch of reindeer.  The one leading this parade has a nose that is red.  Anyone that has been on a road knows that’s the brake light so actually Santa flies backwards without a rear view mirror.  Living here in Florida I know that’s at least believable.  I could go about the elves but I don’t need any more hate mail from the Little People of America.  I’ll end my filibuster with a sincere statement for you and your family.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!