Let’s face it.  Dating really sucks.  My New Year’s resolution is NOT to date anyone in 2012.  I have had my fair share of relationships and like you, some good and some bad.  I have, however, obtained a vast amount of experience and knowledge and I’d like to share it with the men.  Ladies feel free to agree or disagree.

1)  HAVE YOU EVER ENTERED A BAR CONTEST OF ANY KIND?  If she says “yes” then fill her with a few more shots and take her home.  Any chick that enters a “Hot Body Contest” or a “Sausage Eating Contest” is not a lady.  But for a $25 bar tab you can have her naked and smacking her head on your ceiling fan.

2)  DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS AND WHERE ARE THEY?  I like the tramp stamp.  Keep in mind that the tramp stamp will eventually follow the rules of gravity and will eventually look like a term paper left in a rainstorm.  If she has the Nike logo on her Venus Mound with the words “Just Do It”, I’d take my twelve condoms back to the drug store and reload.

3)  DO YOU HAVE A 401-K?  This is important.  If she DOESN’T that means she expects a man to provide for her or she plans on pulling a Chaz Bono by getting a sex change to get a better deal at the dry cleaners.  A female with a 401-K is a woman.  A female without probably has a real nice set of boobs.

4)  HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CLOWNS?  A clown is the court jester for the Devil.  If your date wants to go to the circus just to see the clowns know you will one day wake up to her on top of you with a Ginzu ready to carve the dead sea scrolls into your chest.  Now if she likes spider monkeys riding on top of running dogs…..she’s a keeper.

5)  GO THROUGH HER PURSE:  This isn’t a question it’s more of a mission.  Most women take their purses with them when they are going to the bathroom so I would suggest having a friend call the bar/restaurant you are at and having her paged.  Ya have to move fast.  You are looking for prescription bottles.  Xanax and any prescription that RELAXES her is great.  Ya know in the future when you are two hours late without a phone call she won’t flip out on ya.  If ya see Valtrex, ya know there’s “fire in the hole.”  This is not a relationship killer but go back to that same drug store in rule number two and reload again.

Now ya know why I’m a “keeper.”  I have a unique knack of keeping the opposite sex far away from me.  Perhaps that is best for all involved.